Thursday, May 20

loves me a questionnaire

This shit is real yo! I can't even believe people like this actually exist. Terrifying. In case you didn't know "FWB" is code for Friends With Benefits (though I've had them before, I had to look up the acronym.)

I mean, seriously… a dating profile with a questionnaire? On Craig's List no less?Fuck that noise. It’s also kind of hilarious when these lists get out of hand… like the length of your questionnaire. And also, I think it’s safe to say that you should never, ever, EVER use the question, “Are you ‘ball friendly’?"

Also, maybe you should learn how to spell questionnaire.

Position Available:FWB – 30 (Minneapolis)

Postion Open: FWB

Start Date: Immediately

About The Employer: Tall, dark and handsome. 30 y.o.

Due to the inconsistency and frustrating nature of the Minneapolis dating scene, the position of FWB is now open. All interested female applicants are encouraged to copy and paste the questionaire below and submit their answers via email.

Compensation: Paid in orgasms and other related fulfillment. The more you work, the more you can earn!

Other Benefits: Cuddles, laughs, ice water

***************begin questionaire*************************





Hair Color:

Eye Color:

Please list your Fuck Buddy experience(s) below:

Please describe your genital grooming habits:

What is your availability (ie.. 1x per week, 2x per week…etc):

Please answer the following questions regarding ORAL SEX:

Do you enjoy performing fellatio?

Please describe your fellatio skills, on a scale of 1 to 10:

Please complete the following % question:
When performing fellatio, I employ __% mouth , __% tongue , __% hand(s)

Are you ‘ball friendly’?

Do you enjoy receiving cunnilingus?:

Do you enjoy mutual fellatio/cunnilingus, otherwise referred to as ‘69′?

Please answer the following questions regarding VAGINAL SEX:
Please list the following positions in order of preference:
1) missionary
2) girl on top
3) doggie style
4) reverse cowgirl
5) spoon
(feel free to supplement this list with unlisted positions)

What is your preferred method/location of receiving male ejaculate? :

Please answer the following questions regarding ANAL SEX:

Do you partake in activities in and around your anus?: (If yes, please list these activities)

What is the desired frequency of these activites (ie..twice per month…etc):

What is your preferred position when engaged in anal intercourse (if applicable):

Please answer the following with TRUE or FALSE:
1) I do not consider an 7″ cock to constitute a hostile work environment:

2) I do not bring boyfriends, stalking ex-boyfriends or other assorted dramas to my place of employment:

3) I do not have any sexually transmitted diseases: (must answer true)

4) I do not object to swallowing:

5) I understand that every effort will be made to induce orgasm(s) for my enjoyment, but do not expect a guarantee of one (or more) if I am having a stressfull day or experiencing any other complication that would inhibit said orgasm:

6) I understand that my ‘fuck buddy’ will continue to date in the traditional manner, and is free to engage is sexual activity with due notice, but most likely will not during my time of ‘employment’:

7) I understand that while words such as ‘employment’ have been used in this questionaire that there is absolutely no financial compensation for this position:

8 ) I believe that the only thing better than a tall, handsome fuck buddy is a tall, handsome fuck buddy with a sense of humor:

9) I understand that interviews for qualified candidates will begin on Friday and that if given an appointment time I may be asked to perform fellatio:

10) I understand that I may say no to the request for fellatio listed above, without damaging my prospects for this position:

11) I understand that if contacted, a picture will be required:

12) I understand that my answers will be held in the strictest confidence:

13) I understand that this ad is real, if not a bit silly and the product of work boredom:

14) Position may led to LTR which is ok with me

**********end questionaire********************************

 can't read it? you know the drill! click on it! 


One Pea said...

Oh. My. God.
For real? No...
Really? It can't be...
It is? Fuck me.
Shit! Did I just inadvertently apply?
Fuck me. Damn! I did it again.

(FYI- The word verification of the day is... spersema. Now I KNOW I just accidentally answered at least three questions

MrsCaptKerk said...

This made me blush.

badheadday said...

Reason #2 to stay away from Minneapolis? This guy.

Salt said...

Benefits: Ice water!?

Hell to the yeah! I'm going to have to divorce my husband and move up there STAT!

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

So, how did you answer those questions? ;o)

employment questionnaire said...

Hello,See sample questionnaires here:
employment questionnaire

Anonymous said...

Good thing I am not involved in the dating scene...who would want a guy like me when there are guys like that out there..YEAH RIGHT. That is sick and very depressing.

denise said...

HAHAHA That was the funniest thing I've read in a while. I want to contact him just to see if he received any responses. Loved it.

Rich said...

At this point, an item like this should stun, or at the very least surprise all of us. Yet it doesn't. I spent time in Minnesota, and yes, i could easily see all of the mouth breathers that dwell there doing this. Sad, sad little man.

aladdinsane12 said...

Shit! I new my boyfriend was up to something when I saw him on Craigslist! One chick even called and asked if she needed references!

Wicked Shawn said...

Okay, he really should have made it clear that it was supposed to be humorous far closer to the top. I was first laughing AT him, then when I got to the bottom, I realized I was laughing with him. I wish we knew how many answered him!

Stacie's Madness said...

oh for the love of pete.

That Ain't Kosher said...

Wow. I want to marry this guy and have eleven million of his babies. This is what I'm going to show my Jewish mother when she bugs me about why I'm single.

Your blog is utterly amazing. I'm a follower.