Monday, May 31

i was told there'd be cake

You have to do more -- go to college, pick a major, get a boyfriend, a job, an interesting scar, a dream house, an educated position on the death penalty. Suddenly you had more mail, more keys, more passwords, more toiletries. And all for less praise. People are less quick to applaud as you grow older. Life starts out with everyone clapping when you take a poo and goes downhill from there. If you stop and think about it, it's a miracle t hat we get out of bed every day and brush our teeth and remember to buy toothpaste. We all deserve to be congratulated but sadly that would mean there's no one left to do the congratulating.

Oh-- and Happy Memorial Day!

Sunday, May 30

The 7 Not-Quite-As-Deadly-As-The-Original Deadly Sins


Everyone has heard of the Seven Deadly Sins: 
 
 come on, we've all seen the movie SE7EN

Although not as fatal as the Seven Deadly Sins, which lead to eternal damnation, these Seven Not-So-Deadly Sins tick off the Lord in a big way.

Committing one just may guarantee you a stint in purgatory. Or at least an eternity of wandering through a Wal-Mart in Nebraska. In July.

These seven sins according to McGriddle Pants are:


1. SLOPPINESS -- Heaven is immaculate. A hoarders may make for great "reality" tv shows, but it just doesn't go over well with the Big Man upstairs.


2. DULLNESS -- Boring others to death by telling the same corny jokes again and again can be more excruciating than shooting them.


3. PHONINESS -- Putting on a bogus British accent when you merely vacationed in England for two weeks angers the Lord.


4. RUDENESS -- Even if the person you're talking to is only a "lowly" waitress, be polite jackass.


5. COWARDICE -- If you're the type who stands by watching when bullies are beating up some nerd, your "goodness" is useless.


6. IGNORANCE -- It really irks God when someone prays to Him using poor grammar.


7. BLIND OBEDIENCE -- In some cases, being too much of a "yes" man, like Adolf Eichmann, can land you in Hell forever. 

 

Friday, May 28

i love summer

Sneezing from the pollen,
The chain caught my shoestring,
Hit the center bar on my bicycle,
And almost lost my bearings.

I love Summer,
Good Old Summer time,
I've got sunburn on the soles of my feet,
Lotta sand where the sun don't shine.

Sunburned at the Beach,
In pain the whole darn night,
so much skin peeled of my back,
you could make set a Samsonite.

I love Summer,
Good Old Summer time,
I've got sunburn on the soles of my feet,
Lotta sand where the sun don't shine.

Puttin on a cold wet bathing suit,
Mosquitoes, Bees, and Tetanus shots in the derrière,
Something crawling in the foot of my sleeping bag,
Flaming marshmallows in my hair
Drop N' Roll.

Caught a baseball with my face,
Potato salad in the sun,
Salmonella steps up to the plate Listeria get the run.


I love Summer,
Good Old Summer time,
I've sun burn in the back of my throat,
And sand behind my eye.



lyrics of I Love Summer by Heywood Banks

Thursday, May 27

a penny saved is a penny earned... in blood

If you save a penny every single day for thirty years you will have enough pennies to literally bury your worst enemy alive in copper. 

If he has allergies to copper, his death will be exceptionally painful, causing word of your savagery and thriftiness to spread throughout the lands. 

Otherwise it will be a moderately painful death, which isn't too shabby when you consider the price. 



Tuesday, May 25

random shit tuesday


So excited! This upcoming weekend is Memorial Day weekend,
and its LADIES CAMPING WEEKEND!!
Myself, mom, my cousin and my friend will all be heading down to our family's cabin in Southern Oregon. The weather is not scheduled to cooperate, but we're excited nonetheless. I love our little cabin in the woods. It used to be my grandfather's (he built it way back in the day) it has power, but no running water and an outhouse!! Its so rustic and fun. The best part about the weekend isn't going to be the morning champagne and bloody marys, the afternoon fishing with cheap beer, the evening bottles (yes, bottleSS) of wine, or the row boat, or the outhouse, but its the fun, crazy lady time!!
Going to pick up the fishing license and beer tomorrow!!

I am soooooooooo tired of the FB posts regarding people's family, or their kids, or how much they love their spouses. I mean... WE GET IT! Otherwise you wouldn't be married to/dating/living with them. These are actual posts from a friend of mine. They may seem sweet, but once a day, it gets annoying!
Not to dock family life or being married... its just that we don't need to see it all day every day. I always think that being entertaining and funny is what the FB status is for...
here's my last 4:
I'm just sayin... which would YOU rather read??

Here's some random things I hate:
  1. Dancing with the stars
  2. Treadmills
  3. Shannon from Lost
  4. Creationists
  5. The Octo-Mom
  6. People who text when you're trying to talk to them
  7. When it takes 8 days for my debit purchases to go through
  8. Yellowjackets and Wasps
  9. People who don't recycle
  10. That being intelligent and educated is suddenly considered "un-American"
The other day I was driving, with the window down, sunglasses on. I somehow, randomly shut one eye and noticed things looked weird. Then I was doing the whole "Camera One. Camera Two. Camera One. Camera Two" thing, and noticed that one eye was seeing a totally different hue than the other.
right eye




left eye

I mean... subtle... but freaked me out!!! My friend tried to tell me it happens to her when she has the window rolled down. That it "dries out her contacts." I told her I don't wear contacts. And I asked her if she was totally making that up or if there was any scientific backing to her conclusion. She admitted she was pretty much winging it. Its gone now, but I wonder what was the culprit? Early on-set-color-blindness? I dunno. Perhaps time for an eye exam?


That's it for me folks! I'm OUT!
Wanna play along?


Monday, May 24

so, they're all dead? WTF

Its Monday, and I'm not doing much besides laundry, trying to find motivation to go to the gym, catching up on my blog reading, unpacking, and still trying to figure out WTF happened on Lost.

*sigh*

I don't want to talk about it.

Other than that, I don't have too much to say, other than I've done a little work on my blog today, but not much work on a post.




I'm toying around with buttons for
Wordless Wednesday,
but couldn't decide on one...

I'd love your thoughts...
















And a new signature. I feel so official!!
Hasta!

Sunday, May 23

this isn't my first rodeo


Howdy pard'ners!

Had a fun filled, action packed super-rific weekend here! Most of the festivities circled around my cousin's 40th birthday party, in which I was "volunteered" to help cook/chop/mince/dice/grate and blend... among other things. The weather however decided not to cooperate, so our Mexican Fiesta themed party was moved into the horse arena. After that, things went very smoothly, and a good time was had by all. I think my cousin raked in about 5 gallons of whiskey as gifts, let alone the other beers and birthday cards.

We had traditional margaritas for the party, but I picked up a new booze recipe for you. Its great for people on the go! (HA!) Let me introduce you to

Rodeo Margaritas















4 Coronas
1 cup tequila
2 quarts limeade
Mix well, serve over ice.

TaaaaaDaaaa! Gotta say, this one's not bad!

My cousin calls this their tailgating drink.

Now I'm off to finish up the weekend with some chili, cornbread, bud lights and 5 1/2 hours (YES!) of LOST tonight!

And some good news! I've finally hit 40 followers! Thank you to you all!!!
Our lucky contestant to be our 40th customer is Island Gal who has a pretty cool blog of her own. You should go check her out! Congrats to you and Thanks for following Island Gal!!

Catch you on the flipside!

Saturday, May 22

who wants guacamole?!

The guacamole is made with love.
Each batch has a little bit of me in it...
...beacuse I've cut myself on this stupid sharp tomato knife,
and am now bleeding...
Shhhhhhhh! :)

Was that a haiku?

Thursday, May 20

loves me a questionnaire


This shit is real yo! I can't even believe people like this actually exist. Terrifying. In case you didn't know "FWB" is code for Friends With Benefits (though I've had them before, I had to look up the acronym.)

I mean, seriously… a dating profile with a questionnaire? On Craig's List no less?Fuck that noise. It’s also kind of hilarious when these lists get out of hand… like the length of your questionnaire. And also, I think it’s safe to say that you should never, ever, EVER use the question, “Are you ‘ball friendly’?"

Also, maybe you should learn how to spell questionnaire.

Position Available:FWB – 30 (Minneapolis)

Postion Open: FWB

Start Date: Immediately

About The Employer: Tall, dark and handsome. 30 y.o.

Due to the inconsistency and frustrating nature of the Minneapolis dating scene, the position of FWB is now open. All interested female applicants are encouraged to copy and paste the questionaire below and submit their answers via email.

Compensation: Paid in orgasms and other related fulfillment. The more you work, the more you can earn!

Other Benefits: Cuddles, laughs, ice water

***************begin questionaire*************************
Age:

Ethnicity:

Location:

Height:

Weight:

Hair Color:

Eye Color:

Please list your Fuck Buddy experience(s) below:

Please describe your genital grooming habits:

What is your availability (ie.. 1x per week, 2x per week…etc):

Please answer the following questions regarding ORAL SEX:

Do you enjoy performing fellatio?

Please describe your fellatio skills, on a scale of 1 to 10:

Please complete the following % question:
When performing fellatio, I employ __% mouth , __% tongue , __% hand(s)

Are you ‘ball friendly’?

Do you enjoy receiving cunnilingus?:

Do you enjoy mutual fellatio/cunnilingus, otherwise referred to as ‘69′?

Please answer the following questions regarding VAGINAL SEX:
Please list the following positions in order of preference:
1) missionary
2) girl on top
3) doggie style
4) reverse cowgirl
5) spoon
(feel free to supplement this list with unlisted positions)

What is your preferred method/location of receiving male ejaculate? :

Please answer the following questions regarding ANAL SEX:

Do you partake in activities in and around your anus?: (If yes, please list these activities)

What is the desired frequency of these activites (ie..twice per month…etc):

What is your preferred position when engaged in anal intercourse (if applicable):

Please answer the following with TRUE or FALSE:
1) I do not consider an 7″ cock to constitute a hostile work environment:

2) I do not bring boyfriends, stalking ex-boyfriends or other assorted dramas to my place of employment:

3) I do not have any sexually transmitted diseases: (must answer true)

4) I do not object to swallowing:

5) I understand that every effort will be made to induce orgasm(s) for my enjoyment, but do not expect a guarantee of one (or more) if I am having a stressfull day or experiencing any other complication that would inhibit said orgasm:

6) I understand that my ‘fuck buddy’ will continue to date in the traditional manner, and is free to engage is sexual activity with due notice, but most likely will not during my time of ‘employment’:

7) I understand that while words such as ‘employment’ have been used in this questionaire that there is absolutely no financial compensation for this position:

8 ) I believe that the only thing better than a tall, handsome fuck buddy is a tall, handsome fuck buddy with a sense of humor:

9) I understand that interviews for qualified candidates will begin on Friday and that if given an appointment time I may be asked to perform fellatio:

10) I understand that I may say no to the request for fellatio listed above, without damaging my prospects for this position:

11) I understand that if contacted, a picture will be required:

12) I understand that my answers will be held in the strictest confidence:

13) I understand that this ad is real, if not a bit silly and the product of work boredom:

14) Position may led to LTR which is ok with me

**********end questionaire********************************


 can't read it? you know the drill! click on it! 


Tuesday, May 18

random shit tuesday

Its Tuesday again! And what does that mean?


Random shit from my pretty little brian! Several of these things come from Starbucks. Perhaps I'm spending too much time there? Nah! Maybe just weird stuff just happens to me, and I just happen to always be at Starbucks. Any more, and I'll have to start a whole new segment of my blog called "Shit at Starbucks." Well, maybe not quite that, cause that sounds kinda gross.

Onward and Upward!

I'm at starbucks waiting in line. Of course its like 4pm and the old folks who come in at this time always want decaf. Well they don't brew decaf after like noon, cause NO ONE DRINKS IT. Come on old people, you can handle it. You go to bed at 8 and get up at 430am for heavens sake! Maybe you should try living a normal persons schedule! Anyway... this guy in front of me is wearing some kind of old-man vest that looks like a fisherman's vest. I think "Hey there old timer! Going fishin'?" Then he turns and I see something like this:
Okay, that's not really what I saw, but I got tired of searching for "pocket full of pens" or "too many pens" on Google images. Anyway, his front pocket had at LEAST 9 pens in it. AND he had a glasses case clipped to his jacket that ALSO had another 7 or 8 pens. All I could think was, "Heaven forbid you get caught without a writing utensil!!" To each his own... i guess.
 
And again speaking of starbucks... 

Everytime I'm there I steal something like 3 Splendas.
Or a honey packet. 
 Have you seen how expensive this shit is? I mean, COME ON. I just want a packet for my morning tea. And its just sitting there! Free! The way I figure it, I'm entitled. I'm spending $4 for some stupid ass coffee, I'm allowed some Splenda. Or honey.

The song "That's Amore" has officially been ruined for me by the Olive Garden. Every time I hear it, I think of the O.G. Those dirty, dirty bastards. (Yes, that's what its called, the "O.G.")

What is the correct way to "cite" photos on your blog? I've seen so many different ways of doing it. Some people put a link to where they got it and hyperlink the word "source". Other's just put something like "via bing" or "via google" under the photo (this honestly seems like a cop-out since I think everyone finds their images from Goggle images) Is there an MLA handbook for the internet? What is the standard? Are we all just "winging it?"  
(Of course after I type this I went to eHow and found an article)

LOST!!
Seriously! FINALLY! Uggghhh. This is the show. The show of shows. I love this stupid, infuriating, intriguing, piece of crap show SO MUCH. It makes me so mad. Every episode. We answer one question and raise 590,528 more! I have to say, I'm so glad its going to be over. Like pulling the plug after a long cancer battle. Only two episodes left! Hurry up and end already!! PLEASE! And don't piss me off! (although I'm sure they will). On a side note, I just saw an interview with Matthew Fox from lost and he and his family are moving to Oregon! Crazy!
Maybe I'll bump into him at Whole Foods.

And to wrap up Random Shit Friday...
My friend send me this on FB. I've never really liked the song, but have since downloaded it and added it to my workout mix, cause now I picture this video in my head when it plays... and I laugh. This one's for you CB!


Do you wanna Random up Some Shit Tuesday too? Grab the code!!

Monday, May 17

love to love you

Well I was totally going to write a blog today about stuff that I hate. You know... going on and on about Jay Leno, Nirvana, socks with sandals, people who say "you're welcome" before you get a chance to say "thank you"... But then I thought, no. McGriddle Pants, you need to be more positive! So as I started working on it, I took a break and read a couple of other bolgs. Low and behold... Miss Salt did a blog today about her favorite stuff now too! Its like we're connected on some psychic level. It was a sign from heaven! The clouds departed and a ray of light shown down with the chorus of angels signing "Aaaaaahhhhhh!" Meant to be.

Just be warned, when the mood strikes me again, I'll more than likely be finishing up the blog of hatred too. Cause I hate a lot of stuff.

1. Jasmine Tea

















I'm so into loose leaf teas right now too. I have a cute little tea diffuser that sits in my tea cup and just LOVE it. And its driving me nuts that I'm having such a hard time finding the stuff! I don't want loose leaf in a bag, just LOOSE! ANywhoodle, I found some at Whole Foods the hippie store. Surprise surprise, found some! In bulk even! Now, don't get me wrong, I absolute love Whole Foods! But come on... its totally a hippie store. Wow, I've gotten really of track. Where was I? Oh yes! Jasmine tea. I first had this jasmine tea when Mr. Man and I went to this cute little Japanese restaurant for VDay. Its so sweet and floral and so yum yum yummy!Give it a try! And if you love tea, I guarantee you won't be disappointed!

2. Designing Women















For serious. I've always loved these sassy gals. I love Julia's rants and pseudo-freak outs about worthy causes and just the over all happy feeling of the show. Cheesey yes, hokey plot lines directed at raising awareness of the occasional social commentary of the day (domestic abuse, homelessness, homosexuality). Honestly they're the reason that I've always wanted to visit Hot-tlanta. (Then of course I met Mr. Peacock, and have someone to visit when I go there! Shout out buddy!) I was so excited to see that NetFlix had the first 4 seasons available, and of course added the other 3 seasons, that aren't even on DVD yet, to my queue. And why they hell is it pronounced "que"? there's two more letters in the word! shouldn't it be Que-ey? Que-ew? Good gravy, I've derailed that train of thought too!

3. Zombies
Again inspired by Salt I'm prompted to tell of my love of zombies. Of all the horror movies in circulation, zombie movies are my be-all end-all favorite. Brains, staggering walks, crazy flesh ripping... you name it! To create a list within a list here's my top fav's
  1. 28 days later (Great, great movie)
  2. Night of the Living  Dead (the 1990 version with Candyman) "They're coming to get you Barbara!"
  3. Dawn of the Dead (the new one with the crazy Kenyan-like sprinting zombies)
  4. Zombieland (LOVE the funny zombie movie! Don't forget the Double Tap!)
  5. Shaun of the Dead (Probably the most realistic way the zombie attack will happen) 
  6. Dead Snow (come on...how can Nazi Zombies not be the best movie ever?!)
  7. Resident Evil (As kicking Mila Jovovich, yeahhh! The sequels however were lackluster)
I guess we can say I love the zombs. So much in fact that my friend made me this lovely card...

















How awesome is this?

4. Burt's Bees Coconut Foot Creme

















Product Placement! Hahahaa, no I'm not getting paid for this... I wish! I love this stuff! Not only does it smell yummy and remind me of summer (Coconut always does that to me. That and Hawaiian Tropic sunscreens. Can you say Piña Colada?)  but this stuff works great too! Smooths and gets rid of any yucky signs of "winter feet". Just rub it on and put on some socks before bed. Or like me... put it on with socks while watching day-time tv and blogging. Ahhhh unemployment. I will also occasionally put some on my elbows to fight "old lady elbows".

5. Cute Springtime Nail colors!












Sally Hansen's VIP PINK!

What I don't love?
















VIP Pink, spilled on the carpet... Booooooo!

(Please don't judge my dirty carpet, I'm currently moving!)

What are you loving right now?