bad movies make doves cry

Heydie Hydie Hodie! I know I'm MIA a LOT recently. And when I finally post, I'm putting my goodies on someone else's page! LAME! I've done a little movie review ditty for our Horrible Movie Blog Ring. Mine's currently residing over at Ginny is Sassy so go check it out! If you still love me *insert guilt here*

And now......... the lovliest of the lovely, my dear Shelly from Shelly Talks has an amazeballs review for you kiddos to enjoy!

Dearly beloved...Readers of McGriddle Pants. We are gathered here today to review this thing called "Purple Rain."

Did you like that intro? It's a play on the opening credits of Purple Rain (in case you haven't watched this movie). If I could describe this movie in one word it would be "montagetastic." I mean, there's a montage just about every ten minutes, and they are amazing! Best 80s montages one could ever hope for! But let's start at the beginning, shall we?

Purple Rain is the story of a struggling singer known as "The Kid" played by Prince. I'm not sure how old he is supposed to be, he looks about 30, but he lives with his parents. His Dad is abusive towards his mother, but in all honesty, she totally deserves the beating. She can't keep up on housework. What kind of woman is that? Well, one night after his performance, The Kid meets a girl named "Appollonia" played by (ironically enough) Appollonia Kotero. --Which brings me to my next comment, all of the characters, except Prince, have the same name in real life. It actually keeps things easier for me, because I'm one of those people who can't remember characters names anyway. Except I don't know any of these actors. Oh well...ANYWAY!

Appollonia and The Kid have a turbulent relationship, but they have a lot of sex that involves rubbing of crotches and Appollonia's boobs. Maybe he's just like his mother? She was never satisfied... Or maybe he's just like his father?! I DON'T KNOW! But I do know he slaps her, and not sexually. Then one night he sees her performing in lingerie (hey it's the 80's) and he thinks he's in love with her again. Only later to see she's drunk. He tells her not to drink, he doesn't like it. Slaps her again...and then they make sexies outside, right then and there.

In the end, Prince has his shining moment, and the montages of all montages. His whole life flashes before our eyes with his deep, meaningful music. And then he becomes a talented artist with lots of ruffly shirts and assless pants that we all know and love.

I hope this review encourages everyone to go and watch this movie. I give it two ruffle shirts and red thongs up. Please be sure to check out my blog Shelly Talks Too Much and read what The REAL Mandy Moore has to say.

blog swap: shittay sports movies!!

Hello my lovelies!

Its that time of month again, for another Horrible Movie Blog Swap!!  

(Does anyone have a clever title for that? NO? Moving on...)

You can see my review of Surf School over here

This month we reviewed sports movies, and the beautiful and talented and hilarious  

Christina @ Christina in Wonderland 

has been good enough to guest post for me. Please enjoy!!

 There comes a time in every person's life when they sit down with their family, or their significant other, or their dog, and they decide to watch a "sports" movie. This could be a football, baseball, Nascar, whatever that fuck kind of movie, but, basically, you're sitting down watching a movie about something you should probably getting your fat ass out there and doing.

And layin' off the potato chips. Just sayin'...

Anyway, that was this month's theme. Sports movies. And lemme tell you, I don't watch many of those bitches, because they are SUPER fucking cheestastic, and I ain't into that.

But I digress.

There was once a time in Christina's life when she was forced to watch this stupid damn race-"horse" movie with a zebra.

That movie was called, Racing Stripes.

Now, I don't want to ruin this movie or the "ending" or whatever for anyone who may want to watch it just to say they watched it, but, basically my review takes at least one thing into account.

You can get maybe five genuine laughs from the movie, on a good day, and that's if you find the particular humor funny. Other than that, you'll mostly be laughing at the atrocious vocal acting, shitty premise, and Hayden Panettiere's lousy ass fake country accent. Of which I should know, because I have the misfortune of possessing a legit southern accent. Fuck yeah...

As if a movie about a zebra who thinks he can be a race horse is bad enough... they give you horrible CGI flies, one voiced by the ever annoying David Spade, that just make you want to grab the nearest flyswatter, or just knock your TV over onto the floor.

And the premise? Dear God the premise! It's ridiculous, even for a family movie. There is NO WAY that a zebra could ever be good enough to race against thoroughbred race horses. It's a *cute* concept, but it's ridiculous, and doesn't lend itself to good dialogue or plot. The training sequences are boring, and the story is so outdone in every other "zero to hero" racing movie that it's blatantly pathetic.

To add insult to injury, the animals fucking talk...

They talk and they don't even say anything funny. Or enlightening. The worst part of that? THERE'S SO MANY QUALITY ACTORS, like Dustin Hoffman and Whoopi Goldberg, but their vocal performances fall tragically short of entertaining. Actually, they don't even get NEAR that mark. They're bland and lifeless.

And someone needs to kill the rooster voiced by Jeff Foxworthy. Just because the fucking movie basically takes place in a fucking redneck setting, doesn't mean you have to CAST JEFF FUCKING FOXWORTHY IN EVERY FUCKING THING BECAUSE HE IS NOT FUCKING FUNNY! GOD DAMN!

*ahem*

But... Hayden is super adorable, and at least she went on to do better shit after this, like Heroes, and, uh...

Yeah, no, basically there was Heroes...

RomCom movie review blog swap!

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

shitty movies, and how to avoid them

After having worked at a video store for more than 10+ years, I believe I have what it takes to weed out a bad movie. I can beat all my friends at SceneIt! I can usually spot the good ones and the bad ones instantly, sometimes just from the poster. However sometimes even my own movie taste gets shanked. Hard. A few examples from last year alone were The Other Guys, Couples Retreat, Funny People, The Box, Skyline, Copout...

As you can see its possible for these producers to fool and reel in even the most critical of all movie-goers. However, I'm still surprised at how some people think "That's gonna be so gooooood!"  and I just shake my head. Follow these easy steps and you too can save your hard earned cash, or precious time, for a good movie

1. Avoid PG-13 rated Action or Horror. Seriously. I learned this trick from my brother. No blood? No swearing? No violence? Call me old-fashioned, but I need a couple of well placed "FUCK!"s in my movies. Think Traitor, Armageddon, or Drag Me To Hell. All of these could have been much better given an 'R' rating. Plus there'll be fewer annoying teenagers at the theater with you, talking, texting, seat hopping, and being... well... teenagers. **Please note: this rule does not necessarily apply to comedies Sci-Fi of suspense type movies.**
2. Sequels in which none of the original characters return. This seems so obvious to me, but again, some people are fooled. There's a reason those actors aren't coming back. Cause the new script sucks. ie. Fast & Furious: Tokyo Drift.
3. Sequels where there are no unanswered questions from the first movie (or two). ie. Little Fockers.
4. Anything straight to video, with the exception of Indie films. These are usually not straight to video, but unless you live in New York, LA or Chicago, you may have missed their theatrical release. Its usually best to go off of recommendations for indie flicks though. Cause there's a lot of shit running around on the IFC channel.
5. Anything that sounds vaguely similar, or even with the exact same name as something coming out in the theater. When I was working at the video store this crap happened ALL. THE. TIME. Don't be fooled by movies like this...
   

   

   No Jake Busey was NOT in the Tom Cruise version

   ... and...

   

   Look kids! Transformers is out! Or is it?

   The World's Dumbest Man did a whole blog on crap like this.
6. Avoid any movie coming out in January or February. Don't believe me? Go ahead and watch No Strings Attached, The Rite, or The Eagle and tell me I'm wrong. If it were any good, studios would have rushed this movie out for the Christmas movie rush, and to make them eligible for the 2010 Oscars.
7. If you've seen the trailer 398 times and its still a month away from release. I'm looking right at you Green Hornet. There is a small chance that the producers are really proud of their cinematic piece of work. But more than likely they're trying to make up for the fact that its getting crap reviews.
8. Finally, check Rotten Tomatoes. I love this site because they take ALL reviews and average them. They're almost always right on. I meant they rated Season of the Witch (another January release, the alarms should already be ringing in your head) 5%.

Have fun, keep expectations low (then you're never disappointed) and see you at the movies!!

best. movie. ever.

There are few words that can describe the movie I watched the other day. While browsing through my NetFlix online available movies, I came across this goddie in the "Gory Horror" section. At a whopping 68 minutes long, clad with what looks like an entire porn star cast (and with the expected acting skills to boot), and with its first boobie shot at exactly 0h0m into the film, is probably one of the funniest fucking movies I have ever seen.

And I've seen a LOT of movies.

The basic plot:

A homicidal turkey axes off college kids during Thanksgiving break.

I know, right?! Talk about a recipe for ultimate awesomeness!!

Let me get this out first so you understand what exactly what you are getting yourself into. This movie is stupid as hell so you need a sense of humor to enjoy it and that’s exactly what I did. It was a boring Tuesday evening so we decided "how could we not watch this movie?" and pressed play. The next thing I knew my sides were hurting from laughing so hard, and since its barely an hour long, we went to the store, bought more beer, and watched it again. 

The turkey is pretty "gangsta" for the most part, even saying "Nice tits bitch" after he offed the topless puritan in the woods after the very first Thanksgiving. Theres also another great scene when the turkey went to some chick’s house looking for her, and her Dad answers the door dressed up as a turkey for his annual costume party. They sit there at the dinner table sipping coffee while chatting and the turkey has on these black Groucho Marx eyeglasses. Finally the turkey has had it and adds daddy to the victims list. I mean, really? HAHAA!

However I have to say that my favorite scene during the movie is when the turkey is hitchhiking and an unsuspecting driver picks him up.

seriously?

Then the driver opens the door and asks "Gas, Grass, or Ass?" The turkey basically implys he has no cash or weed, so he'll be providing sexual services to the driver, how I have no idea. The driver unzips his pants, like he's excited (?) to get head from a turkey. [Think it couldn't get any worse? Oh no, the scene goes on.] It is at this point that the turkey pulls out a shotgun (riiiight) from under his feathers and sticks it in the guys face, and then, fingerless as he may be, manages to pull the trigger and shoot the guy in the face. Oh yeah, then he steals his car and drives off.

Seriously.

No. I mean seriously.

no, seriously!

I must insist that you all watch it immediately, or buy it from Amazon.com. I guess the unrated one is 1h26 minutes, so somehow they squeak out an twenty minutes of deleted scenes.

I'm ordering my copy right now!

this may be the greatest test of my patience... ever.

That's right folks.

Tonight, for almost EIGHT SOLID HOURS, I will be Twilight-ified!

Not that I need patience for brooding vampires, hot cars, bare-chested jail bait and whiney emo-esque song montages... But  no, I will be in the theater with squealing, ill-mannered, unsupervised, no-school-tomorrow, talking-so-loud-so-EVERYONE-can-hear-me, tweens. *le sigh*

Don't get me wrong, I'm super excited about watching the new movie. Got my tix last weekend in fact! And our theater, which is a BRILLIANT thing to do, it showing the first two movies before hand, starting at 6:30 (me thinks). And then the midnight show of Eclipse at, well, midnight.

I just don't know if I can handle idiotic teenagers for that long. Sans alcohol even. Hmmmm... And that's a long time to be sitting in the theater too! I'm gonna have to sneak in some Clif bars or Arby's or some shit.

MMmmmm... Beef... and cheese... and sparkley vampires... YUM!


*Sorry no random shit tuesday today... just too excited! To get your fill go here!*

scale be damned!

What the fuck exercise? Seriously? Why have you failed me so?!

For the last 3 weeks I've been working out for about an hour a day (this includes weight training) for about 4 days a week. What is really pissing me off is, for the last fucking week, I've been GAINING a pound a day! I shit you not! I'm so irriated at this, and of course have stopped getting on the scale... but really?! Man oh man, nothing deters you from going to the gymnasium like packing ON pounds when you're trying to be good.

Now I havn't been "super" dieting or anything. My goal honestly is to get healthier, and to fit into my favorite pants, not to necessarily be lighter. Well, I guess I have to work on the diet too, fuckers! Ahhhh well, shoulda known it would come to this.

Basically I've been putting on weight for about a year now. Slowly but surely. The unemployment really didn't help matters either. Sitting on the couch for roughly 6-7 hours a day is horrible for the metabolism. I try to get out, and as I said before, exercise. That's why I spend usually an hour a day, as opposed to the "doctor recommended 30-40 minutes". Whatevs. Stupid metabolism.

I've cut a few things out of my diet entirely (for now):

• No more french fries until the scale starts to cooperate. NONE! *sigh*
• No more soda either. This includes diet. I don't need that much sodium or sugar.
• No eating after 8pm

That's about as far as my "dieting" goes. Except severely increase the intake of fruits and veggies, decreasing the red meat and other obviously fattening foods. (reading labels people!)

I have a few other inspirations to help me. I've been watching Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution on abc.com. Its CRAZY! I love what he's doing! (In a nutshell, he's a famous chef, who has gone to America's "fattest and unhealthiest" city Huntington West Virginia, and is teaching people how to be healthier, cook for themselves, and make them all around smarter about their food habits) Its really startling to see how little some people know about actual nutrition or how horrendous the school lunch system is. Really check it out!

I also just watched the movie Food Inc.

Wow. Wow. Wow. All I can say is watch it. You'll never look at your food the same way again. Let me prefact this by saysing it isn't full of PETA videos showing cruelty to animals. I didn't have any "look away" moments. Its just extremely inforative about the status of our food industry (meat and vegetable), and how a few large corporations are really the ones in charge of everything. Now, I'm no conspiracy nut or anything, but the basic message I took away was, BUY LOCAL, and ORGANIC. And I may never eat a hamburger again. Add it to your NetFlix queue!

Finally I'm reading a book called "French Women Don't Get Fat."

I actually read a different book from this author, and I didn't realize it was her who wrote this particular book. I've picked up this one at Borders on several occasions, but just never purchased it for one reason or another. But this time I checked it out from the library and am really enjoying it. The author has some great ideas, all from personal experience, about changing the way you think about the way you eat, while still enjoying the things you love. Moderation, moderation. Right? But she includes lots of great little recipes and stories to drive the point home. And really... has anyone seen a fat French woman? Non!

Do you have any other ideas or tips? How do you stay motivated?

movie madness: throwback edition

Remember those movies from your childhood that you just loved? We all have them.

I've just recently started watching some retro movies, mostly because I'm unemployed, only have basic cable, and zero interest in day-time television.

Well my blog world friends, Be Warned!!... those amazing movies from the past just may be the biggest pieces of crap if you watch them now. What once was a stylized, amazing piece of cinematic awesomeness, can now be a shittily-edited, mind-numbingly bad special effects mixed in with a touch of really, really bad acting. And that's not even talking about the dialogue, clothing or hairstyles, which in my opinion can actually add value to the movie if they're bad enough.

Here's a list of a few hits and misses that I've just recently seen again (for the first time).

HIT:

Maximum Overdrive
This movie basically defines how awesome bad acting can be. Get ready as murderous vehicles come to life after Earth passes through the tail of a comet. It's up to Emilio Estevez and his gang to destroy the machines and save mankind. Amazingly cheesy.

MISS:

Reality Bites

Ethan Hawke really is a giant douchecannon in this movie. Why in the hell did Winona get with him in the end? Cause we like 'bad boys'? NO. Not a particularly bad movie. Regrettably, not an especially good one either. Watch Singles instead, you won't be disappointed. Better soundtrack too.

HIT:

Piranha

This movie is so insane that they're doing a remake this year! Honestly the last time I watched this, I was pretty drunk. And I vaguely remember getting a little stoned too. But fear not!! I've seen this beauty at least 5 times in my life and it never disappoints. Basically, the government is genetically engineering pirahna's to be freshwater fish, and when 2 young kids who get naked therefore they die hikers stumble upon the operation, they take a swim in the pools, then accidently drain them, and then the flesh eating devils are on the loose (who is surprised by this plot point) The flesh-eaters are then heading downstream to the local camp!! NOOOOOOO! Its basically the best movie ever made.

MISS:

Fire Starter
Mullets, eye patches, Heather Locklear's hair and 2 people on the run from the government. Extremely mediocre. Blah.

HIT:

Road House
Shirtless Swayze, roundhouse kicks, lots of big hair and mullets, just an all around awesome movie. Swayze is "the best" bouncer/bar manager ever, and is recruited to "clean up" the Double Deuce (great name!) bar which has gotten out of control. If you have the right company, you'll enjoy the Road House drinking game!

MISS:

Drop Dead Fred

One word. Boringgggggggggg. And really not that funny. A young girl's imaginary friend reappears in her adult life during her divorce. Phoebe Cates didn't go very far after Fast Times at Ridgemont High. I think its supposed to be more of a kids movie, aka your 12 year-old will like it.

Do you have any other suggestions or reviews??

district 9

I just finished watching an AMAZING movie.


District 9. Seriously. Amazing. I can't get it out of my brain how great it was. It doesn't matter if you're not a sci-fi fan, or a lover of alien movies, its just A GREAT MOVIE!! WOW!! Its a fantastic commentary on compassion, or lack thereof, that is capable by we humans. It really shows the good, the bad and the ugly. But don't worry, it won't leave you feeling void of all hope (which I thought was going to happen, and in the first 15 minutes I was already rooting for the aliens to just blow up the whole Earth). But keep watching, and you will be mindblown! Good. Very very good.

Check out the trailer: District 9

Luckily I have "connections" at the video store and got to watch it today. For the rest of humanity (or those of you who actually pay money to rent your videos legitimately) it is available on Tuesday!!