I'm finally DONE shopping! Thanks goodness for internet shopping and expedited shipping!! My Holiday giving was nearly thwarted by my lack of unemployment fundage. Long story short, I've borrowed money from my mom to get everyone gifts, until I get paid next week. Yayyyyyy for debt! At least my mom doesn't charge me interest. But I do feel a tremendous amount of guilt for being a non-self sufficient adult. But that's neither here nor there.
My post today is about STOCKING STUFFERS! I came up with some pretty kick-ass relatively cheap ones, and wanted to share. I'm such a giver!! They're also great for last minute gift ideas for anyone you may have forgotten!
Walmart $2.40
I laughed OUT LOUD when I saw this.
Sears $6.50
Baggie holder. Great for freezing left overs, soups & sauces.
Target $4.50
Cups and balls, its the gift that keeps on giving!
Walgreens $6
Even Santa knows that hangovers are no joke.
Walmart - Pack of 4 for $9 (easy to split into FOUR gifts!)
Almost everyman appreciates BBQ sauce, and beer.
Target $6
Silicone brush works great for marinating, basting, brushing butter on corn or bread. Its AWESOME!
Target $2.50
Slinky's are awesome for any age!
I just gave one for a gift exchange and everyone was fighting over it!
Walmart $1 each!
Who doesn't love cuttie little rubber duckies! Great for holiday bathroom decor!
So last year, Budweiser came out with an AMAZING product. Yes, that's right, "fan cans."
me and all my Bud Light Beaver Can awesomeness
Yes, this was the best invention of my entire life. Seriously.
Anywhoodle...
This year, Budweiser has decided to "not make" this can for fans. Or this is what I was told. I think its brilliant, amazing, and the awesomest thing ever. HOWEVER, after searching diligently for weeks, nay months, I have not found any. Something about encouraging "binge drinking" was what I read on the Internet.
Nay...
My roomie hears that a store in town is selling "fan cans" so I immediately drive there. Oh no. Yeah, that's right. Oregon cans. ALL OREGON CANS. Fucking GREEN AND YELLOW cans of pure BULLSHIT. No Oregon State, black and orange beautifulness. Whores. It was all I could do to not freak out on the poor clerk at the store. She told me that "Budweiser has chosen not to support Oregon State. They only support University of Oregon."
Um.......... excuse me?!?!?!?!?!?!
I stomped out of that store so fast.
Now, please keep in mind, I am a DIE HARD Bud Light drinker. For the last 12 years!! And now... I have vowed to FIND ANOTHER!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fucking Fucker. I'll show you "not supporting" my team.
Commence "taste test 2010"!!!!!
FUCK YOU BUD LIGHT!! I don't need you!!!!! I'll find another!!!!!!!!!
The winners!!!!!!!!!! Kinda mad that Bud and Bud Light are in the running.... but what ever.....
The losers!!!!!!!!
Lesson Learned: Almost EVERY SINGLE BEER tasted exactly the same as all the other beers. Seriously. Except for the losers. I swear!!!!!!! I could drink anything from our starting batch and never complain.
Please note that
Budweiser
Bud Light
Coors
Coors Light
Busch Light
Miller Light
Keystone Light
ALL TASTE THE EXACT SAMEEEEEEEEEE.
And I know my beers. And I know my football.
Oh well. It was super fun anyway! :)
And I'll be composing a STRONGLY worded letter to my local Budweiser distributor about my anger. I will be petitioning them. And telling them about their LOSS as a great customer!! I'll keep you updated!!
Well I was totally going to write a blog today about stuff that Ihate. You know... going on and on about Jay Leno, Nirvana, socks with sandals, people who say "you're welcome" before you get a chance to say "thank you"... But then I thought, no. McGriddle Pants, you need to be more positive! So as I started working on it, I took a break and read a couple of other bolgs. Low and behold... Miss Salt did a blog today about her favorite stuff now too! Its like we're connected on some psychic level. It was a sign from heaven! The clouds departed and a ray of light shown down with the chorus of angels signing "Aaaaaahhhhhh!" Meant to be.
Just be warned, when the mood strikes me again, I'll more than likely be finishing up the blog of hatred too. Cause I hate a lot of stuff.
1. Jasmine Tea
I'm so into loose leaf teas right now too. I have a cute little tea diffuser that sits in my tea cup and just LOVE it. And its driving me nuts that I'm having such a hard time finding the stuff! I don't want loose leaf in a bag, just LOOSE! ANywhoodle, I found some at Whole Foods the hippie store. Surprise surprise, found some! In bulk even! Now, don't get me wrong, I absolute love Whole Foods! But come on... its totally a hippie store. Wow, I've gotten really of track. Where was I? Oh yes! Jasmine tea. I first had this jasmine tea when Mr. Man and I went to this cute little Japanese restaurant for VDay. Its so sweet and floral and so yum yum yummy!Give it a try! And if you love tea, I guarantee you won't be disappointed!
2. Designing Women
For serious. I've always loved these sassy gals. I love Julia's rants and pseudo-freak outs about worthy causes and just the over all happy feeling of the show. Cheesey yes, hokey plot lines directed at raising awareness of the occasional social commentary of the day (domestic abuse, homelessness, homosexuality). Honestly they're the reason that I've always wanted to visit Hot-tlanta. (Then of course I met Mr. Peacock, and have someone to visit when I go there! Shout out buddy!) I was so excited to see that NetFlix had the first 4 seasons available, and of course added the other 3 seasons, that aren't even on DVD yet, to my queue. And why they hell is it pronounced "que"? there's two more letters in the word! shouldn't it be Que-ey? Que-ew? Good gravy, I've derailed that train of thought too!
3. Zombies
Again inspired by Salt I'm prompted to tell of my love of zombies. Of all the horror movies in circulation, zombie movies are my be-all end-all favorite. Brains, staggering walks, crazy flesh ripping... you name it! To create a list within a list here's my top fav's
28 days later (Great, great movie)
Night of the Living Dead (the 1990 version with Candyman) "They're coming to get you Barbara!"
Dawn of the Dead (the new one with the crazy Kenyan-like sprinting zombies)
Zombieland (LOVE the funny zombie movie! Don't forget the Double Tap!)
Shaun of the Dead (Probably the most realistic way the zombie attack will happen)
Dead Snow (come on...how can Nazi Zombies not be the best movie ever?!)
Resident Evil (As kicking Mila Jovovich, yeahhh! The sequels however were lackluster)
I guess we can say I love the zombs. So much in fact that my friend made me this lovely card...
How awesome is this?
4. Burt's Bees Coconut Foot Creme
Product Placement! Hahahaa, no I'm not getting paid for this... I wish! I love this stuff! Not only does it smell yummy and remind me of summer (Coconut always does that to me. That and Hawaiian Tropic sunscreens. Can you say Piña Colada?)but this stuff works great too! Smooths and gets rid of any yucky signs of "winter feet". Just rub it on and put on some socks before bed. Or like me... put it on with socks while watching day-time tv and blogging. Ahhhh unemployment. I will also occasionally put some on my elbows to fight "old lady elbows".
5. Cute Springtime Nail colors!
Sally Hansen's VIP PINK!
What I don't love?
VIP Pink, spilled on the carpet... Booooooo!
(Please don't judge my dirty carpet, I'm currently moving!)
Please read, and commit to memory, THE Drinking Rules. Remember these.
1. If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably during happy hour.
2. Always toast before doing a shot.
3. Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer a toast.
4. Change your toast at least once a month.
5. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.
6. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.
7. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.
8. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-
dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails.
9. Get the bartender's attention with eye contact and a smile.
10. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.
11. Unacceptable things to say after doing a shot: Great, now I'm going to get drunk. I hate shots. It's coming back up.
12. Never, ever tell a bartender he made your drink too strong.
13. If he makes it too weak, order a double next time. He'll get the message.
14. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.
15. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.
16. If she buys you a drink, she likes you.
17. If someone offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade your liquor preference.
18. Always have a corkscrew in your house.
19. If you don't have a corkscrew, push the cork down into the bottle with a pen.
20. Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever be known as the guy who drinks girly drinks.
21. Our parents were better drinkers than we are.
22. Never talk to someone in the restroom unless you're doing the same thing—urinating, waiting in line or washing your hands.
23. Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the bathroom. Men do not.
24. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence.
25. It is only permissible to shout 'woo-hoo!' if you are doing a shot with four or more people.
26. If there is a DJ, you can request a song only once per night. If he doesn't play it within half an hour, do not approach him again. If he does play it, do not approach him again.
27. Learn how to make a rose out of a bar napkin. You'll be surprised how well it works.
28. If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to drink in a bar. Go to the liquor store.
29. If you owe someone twenty dollars or less, you may pay them back in beer.
30. Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink.
31. If you have been roommates with someone more than six months, you may drink all their beer, even if it's hidden, as long as you leave them one.
32. You can have a shot of their hard liquor only if the cap has been cracked and the bottle goes for less than $25.
33. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.
34. If you bring Old Milwaukee to a party, you must drink at least two cans before you start drinking the imported beer in the fridge.
35. Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it was all good times every jackass would be doing it.
36. If you ever feel depressed, get out a bartender's guide and browse through all the drinks you've never tried.
37. Try one new drink each week.
38. If you are the bar's sole customer, you are obliged to make small talk with the bartender until he stops acknowledging you. Then you're off the hook. The same goes for him.
39. Never tip with coins that have touched you. If your change is $1.50, you can tell the barmaid to keep the change, but once she has handed it to you, you cannot give it back. To a bartender or cocktail waitress, small change has no value.
40. If you have ever told a bartender, "Hey, it all spends the same," then you are a cheap ass.
41. Anyone on stage or behind a bar is fifty percent better looking.
42. You can tell how hard a drinker someone is by how close they keep their drink to their mouth.
43. A bar is a college, not a nursery. If you spill a beer, clean it up. If you break a glass, wait for a staff member to clean it up, then blame it on someone else.
44. Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say it.
45.It's okay to drink alone.
46. After three drinks, you will forget a woman's name two seconds after she tells you. The rest of the night you will call her "baby" or "darling".
47. Nothing screams 'nancy boy' louder than swirling an oversized brandy snifter.
48. Men don't drink from straws. Unless you're doing a Mind or Face Eraser.
49. If you do a shot, finish it. If you don't plan to finish it, don't accept it.
50. Never brood in a dance bar. Never dance in a dive bar.
51. Never play more than three songs by the same artist in a row.
52. Your songs will come on as you're leaving the bar.
53. Never yell out jukebox selections to someone you don't know.
54. Never lie in a bar. You may, however, grossly exaggerate and lean.
55. If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.
56. Screaming, "Someone buy me a drink!" has never worked.
57. For every drink, there is a five percent better chance you will get in a fight. There is also a three percent better chance you will lose the fight.
58. Fighting an extremely drunk person when you are sober is hilarious.
59. If you are broke and a friend is "sporting you", you must laugh at all his jokes and play wingman when he makes his move.
60. If you are broke and a friend is "making sport of you", you may steal any drink he leaves unattended.
61. Never rest your head on a table or bar top. It is the equivalent of voluntarily putting your head on a chopping block.
62. If you are trading rounds with a friend and he asks if you're ready for another, always say yes. Once you fall out of sync you will end up buying more drinks than him.
63. If you're going to hit on a member of the bar staff, make sure you tip well before and after, regardless of her response.
64. The people with the most money are rarely the best tippers.
65. Before you die, single-handedly make one decent martini.
66. Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, "I'm an idiot."
67. Never ask a bartender "what's good tonight?" They do not fly in the scotch fresh from the coast every morning.
68. If there is a line for drinks, get your goddamn drink and step the hell away from the bar.
69. If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.
70. The patrons at your local bar are your extended family, your fathers and mothers, your brothers and sisters. Except you get to sleep with these sisters. And if you're really drunk, the mothers.
71. It's acceptable, traditional in fact, to disappear during a night of hard drinking. You will appear mysterious and your friends will understand. If they even notice.
72. Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you're hammered and they're sober. It's akin to a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time you're wrong and either way you're going to come off as a jackass.
73. If you bring booze to a party, you must drink it or leave it.
74. If you hesitate more than three seconds after the bartender looks at you, you do not deserve a drink.
75. Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic, tequila makes you felonious.
76. The greatest thing a drunkard can do is buy a round of drinks for a packed bar.
77. Never preface a conversation with a bartender with "I know this is going to be a hassle, but . . ."
78. When you're in a bar and drunk, your boss is just another guy begging for a fat lip. Unless he's buying.
79. If you are 86'd, do not return for at least three months. To come back sooner makes it appear no other bar wants you.
80. Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has the right of way.
81. If you're going to drink on the job, drink vodka. It's the no-tell liquor.
82. There's nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if you're supposed to be at work.
83. The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call.
84. A flask engraved with a personal message is one of the best gifts you can ever give. And make sure there's something in it.
85. On the intimacy scale, sharing a quiet drink is between a handshake and a kiss.
86. You will forget every one of these rules by your fifth drink.
Ya... that's right... its 10am and I'm drinking already. Cheers, and Happy Friday my dear readers!
