Things you don't need to take a picture of

http://theoatmeal.com/comics/photos

I'm guilty of 4 of 7 of these. But I'm not going to tell you which ones.

I said, "GOOD DAY SIR!!"

Hold on to your butts, this is a good one.

So last year, Budweiser came out with an AMAZING product. Yes, that's right, "fan cans."

me and all my Bud Light Beaver Can awesomeness

Yes, this was the best invention of my entire life. Seriously.

Anywhoodle...

This year,  Budweiser has decided to "not make" this can for fans. Or this is what I was told. I think its brilliant, amazing, and the awesomest thing ever. HOWEVER, after searching diligently for weeks, nay months, I have not found any. Something about encouraging "binge drinking" was what I read on the Internet.

Nay...

My roomie hears that a store in town is selling "fan cans" so I immediately drive there. Oh no. Yeah, that's right. Oregon cans. ALL OREGON CANS. Fucking GREEN AND YELLOW cans of pure BULLSHIT. No Oregon State, black and orange beautifulness. Whores. It was all I could do to not freak out on the poor clerk at the store. She told me that "Budweiser has chosen not to support Oregon State. They only support University of Oregon."

Um.......... excuse me?!?!?!?!?!?!

I stomped out of that store so fast.

Now, please keep in mind, I am a DIE HARD Bud Light drinker. For the last 12 years!! And now... I have vowed to FIND ANOTHER!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fucking Fucker. I'll show you "not supporting" my team.

Commence "taste test 2010"!!!!!

FUCK YOU BUD LIGHT!! I don't need you!!!!!  I'll find another!!!!!!!!!

The winners!!!!!!!!!! Kinda mad that Bud and Bud Light are in the running.... but what ever.....

 The losers!!!!!!!!

Lesson Learned: Almost EVERY SINGLE BEER tasted exactly the same as all the other beers. Seriously. Except for the losers. I swear!!!!!!! I could drink anything from our starting batch and never complain.

Please note that
Budweiser
Bud Light
Coors
Coors Light
Busch Light
Miller Light
Keystone Light

ALL TASTE THE EXACT SAMEEEEEEEEEE. 

And I know my beers. And I know my football.
Oh well. It was super fun anyway! :)

And I'll be composing a STRONGLY worded letter to my local Budweiser distributor about my anger. I will be petitioning them. And telling them about their LOSS as a great customer!! I'll keep you updated!!

With love, and GO BEAVERS

speechless wednesday

Not quite speechless per se, but I'm left baffled.
Here's the scenario. Rush hour, 5pm, Tuesday July 20.

via Google Maps. Awesome illustration via Paint. I'm a whiz with technology.

Me: Driving along, getting into the turning lane.

Hippie: Being stupid and hippie-like, not looking, probably blaming the Republicans for his stupid long hair, and expecting the world to revolve around his rusty-electric-moped-driving universe.

Sure the Focus has stopped to let him turn left across 3 lanes of traffic, but did I? NO! Didn't even see him...
and BAM! 
"X" marks the flattened hippie spot.

Well, not really flattened. Impacted, yes. Shot forward about 12 feet, yes. Flattened not so much.

He surprisingly jumped right up, and immediately began blaming me for hitting him. He proclaimed he was "being cautious" and that "he was signaling". Even though he forgot the part where I had the RIGHT-OF-WAY. I handed him his shoe, and waited for the cops to come.

THANK GOD he didn't appear to be injured. Just a scrape on his hand, although I'm sure he'll be hella sore and bruised up tomorrow. I would have been horrified and irrevocably scarred if I had seriously injured him in any way, even if it was his fucking fault.

Hippie ruins perfectly good plastic bumper.

Hippie Mobile, totally rusted out, now missing a fender. Which I'm pretty sure was previously being held on by a bungee cord anyway.

And after 6 hours at work, cause NO ONE would come in and cover my shift... I finally got to go to the hospital to get checked out, after my head was POUNDING, my neck was STIFF and my back was ACHING. (no I swear I'm not a whiny baby)

Hells yes, I was flashing people in my gown.

Vicodin. Hello old friend.

The fucking best part?! His electric moped is NOT REQUIRED to have insurance on it. So he darts into traffic, basically as a "bicycle", and causes a traffic accident.  
HE DAMAGED MY CAR, and my damn insurance has to pick up the bill.  
MY NECK HURTS and I have to put in a claim.

Fair? FUCK NO. I should sue him in small claims court for any and all damages I have out of pocket. Not that I give a rats ass about my bumper scratches, but I should fix it just so he has to pay for it. Grrrrrrrrr!

What a wonderful world. Happy fucking Wednesday. Me and my Vicodin are going to bed now. Hmmmph!

loves me a questionnaire

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wearing some green up in here!

"There are only two kinds of people in the world, The Irish and those who wish they were."

God isn't that the truth. I get so sick of people claiming to be Irish on St. Patrick's day. We all know those these douchebags. They're everywhere. And they really seem to crawl out of the woodwork mid-March.

I'm sorry, but unless you have an Irish accent, or parents with an Irish accent, you're fucking American. Do you have a passport from Ireland? No? Then shutthefuckup. Good Lord.

I mean, I'm all for having pride in your heritage. I'm Dutch, Scotch (Scot? Whatever. Scotch just sounds cooler.) and German. But I sure as shit don't go running around in late September (check it, that's when Oktoberfest actually is) yelling how German I am, and kicking up my heels and doing a polka jig in my lederhosen. NO. My great-grandmother was German. That makes me about 1/8th German, and not enough to run around with the German flag on my back. It just makes me love beer. I'm pretty sure its in my genes. But I digress...

Take a look around today and tonight. Listen to the morons. According to the general population, about 86.49% of America claims to be "Irish." Too bad I have to listen to douchebags all day. And no, I don't believe that you always drink Guiness. Drink a fifth of Bushmills,* and we'll talk.

Now don't get me wrong. I LOVE St. Patrick's day. I mean, any reason to drink more beer than usual, green or no, is a great day in my opinion. And bars like to make the beer cheaper on St. Paddy's day. So more power to you Ireland! I just hate all these assholes who are all "I'm Irish" on this, such a potentially great day.

I have no clue where I found this article, and honestly it was several years ago, so I'm sorry I'm not citing the source. My bad. If anyone finds it, let me know, and I'll cite it as the IAPEC requires. (the Internet Anti-Plagarism Enforcement Committee. Yes I made that up)

Please let me clear up a few blatantly wrong ideas people seem to have about Paddy's day.

Firstly, the next time I meet someone who says that people in Ireland don’t celebrate Paddy’s day in Ireland, I am going to punch them in the face. How people ever got that misguided idea, I don't know.

Almost as bad is the idea that it is celebrated ’better’ in the U.S. Paddy’s day here is fun, no doubt, but at the end of the day all it is is people wearing green and getting drunk. In Ireland it is a national holiday, so no one works or goes to school. It is much more of a family holiday with every little town having a parade to celebrate. It is also a true cultural event with numerous ceili (singing and dancing festivals) and sporting events taking place. Of course there is a wild night of drinking after, but drinking isn't as central to the holiday as it is in the US.

It is PaDDy's day, not PaTTy's day - I cannot stress enough that seeing it written PaTTy's day makes most real Irish people physically ill.

And as for all the fighting about where Saint Patrick came from etc, historians aren’t even sure if the guy existed for definite, so everyone needs to relax on that score!

*Here's a little fun fact, that you can bring up at your next dinner party... or kegger.

Just as all champagne is sparkling wine, but not all sparkling wine is champagne, all scotch is whisky, but not all whiskey is scotch.

Scotch whisky, aka Scotch, is whisky distilled (from Rye) in Scotland, and spelled without an "e".

Bourbon (distilled from corn) is whiskey, only made in Kentucky (law states that bourbon has to come from Kentucky).

i'm the man in the box

texting... the weekend... and my other random thoughts...

I'm currently having a text conversation with a friend of mine. I normally don't mind having entire conversations in a text message. It happens a lot, especially when either party is at work or doing other things. However I have a few gripes about texting in general, and mostly directed at this friend, who would never even think of reading this blog, but I just feel it needs to be said.

1. For the love of God, use punctuation.
You don't have to be totally grammatically correct, but a little something goes a long ways in interpreting what the fuck you are trying to say. Last week he sent me this:

"oh makes more sense now what restaurant sounds fun"

I mean sweet Jesus, I had to read that 6 times, out loud, before I realized there were 3 sentences in there. And what makes things worse is this friend does this all the time. So you can understand my frustration when I have to decypher what he's saying. Texting is supposed to expedite communication, not slow it down and piss me the fuck off.

*note. One of the things I absolutely love about Mr. Man is that he uses complete senences. With punctuation. And big words. No abbreviation. THANK YOU!!

2. If I don't answer you right away it means I'm doing something.
I mean, really. This is not hard concept to grasp. I was texting, got in the shower, and stepped away from the conversation for 15 minutes. When I get out I get a text saying, "Hello? What happened to you?" I'm so sorry I didn't feel the need to tell you I was going to "brb" from a fucking text conversation. We're not IMing here jackass. I believe my exact response was "I was in the shower. Calm the fuck down."

Okay, this isn't really on a texting note, but still from the same conversation...

Just because you haven't heard of something doesn't mean its not cool. I mean, some jackass yesterday said "Who is The Who?" at the Superbowl halftime show. I nearly punched the guy.

You haven't heard of improv? I'm sorry you live such a sheltered life never leave the small college town you live in. Improv is awesome. Sometimes it isn't delivered awesomely, and isn't as funny as other times, but the concept itself is awesome. Please don't make fun of me or my friends cause you're an imbocile.

Mr. Man is starting in a dart league with some of his friends and I'm going to watch. Just because you haven't heard of a dart league doesn't mean they don't exist. And your sarcasm really isn't welcome when you mock the fact that just because YOU haven't heard of it, means its dumb.

Such superirority is really an annoying characteristic. Just because you feel that you're above hanging out in bars, and because you think having more than 3 beers on a weeknight is excessive, and because you aren't a "fan" of bars doesn't mean you need to look down upon those of us who don't feel that way. I'm sorry I love beer. I'm sorry my friends and I like to go out and have fun. I'm sorry we like to get rowdy, even on a school night. FOR SHAME! Wait... I take that back. I'M NOT SORRY!!!

BAH!

okay, rant over now.

Brother's wedding was AWESOME! So much fun. Really small, at a park town. About 20 close friends and family there. Then we went out for pizza and cupcakes. Its so my brother to do something like that. It was great fun! Mr. Man went with me, which was great since he was really excited to meet my family. Its really refreshing to meet someone who doesn't seem to be allergic to getting to know your family.

The Bride and Groom


The Fam
I'm either doing the robot,
or attempting to hide my brother's gut


Baby Bro and Me
shocking!


Myself and Mr. Man
not an awesome pic,
but you can see a profile view of his cuteness :)

Also this weekend Mr. Man and myself went with some friends to an Alice and Chains concert. I have to say, those guys can still rock! Their new front man does a great job with songs too. I was really impressed over all. Before we went I was thinking... Hmmm... I think I know maybe 4 Alice and Chains songs? But it turns out I remember at least 10 of them. Great show, and great times! But I'm going to think twice about seeing a show at a venue that doesn't serve alcohol. I mean... WTF?!?

This week I am housesitting/dogsitting for Baby Brother and his Mrs. Its nice to have a break from the 'rents house, and have a space of "my own" even if its for 3 days!

uber sexy, or not

Attention males:

I don't care how fat you are, how in shape you are, or how badly you want to lose weight. Please, I beg of you... DO NOT DRINK MICHELOB ULTRA. Its ridiculous! You look like a girl! Its the most unmasculine drink you can have. Here's a break down:

Michelob Ultra = 73 calories=this guy:


You have other options, which depending on what you'd like your image to be...
Whiskey = 64 calories
Bud Light = 110 calories

Just know that women judge you by what you drink. And how well you tip. But that's a whole other story all together.

twouble with twitters

this is what i think of Twitter.
Rubbish!
I have the facebook feed... what else could i ask for?

i want chicken... i want liver... meow-mix meow-mix please de-li-ver

okay people, this time i think we've gone TOO FAR!

Appetizers? For cats?!? REALLY??!?!?
Since when do cats need food, before their food?

"Yes Bob, Fluffy has had a rough day and she really needs to unwind before the main course with some White Meat Chicken & Flaked Tuna and a glass of chablis."

Barf. What's really sad is that there are morons out there who are going to buy this. Not even realizing that its just regular cat food in a different package. And now they're gonna feed their cats TWICE and then be confused why their favorite feline is gaining weight.

Where's my appetizer in a can?
Where are my chicken wings? Mozzarella sticks? Bloomin' Onion in a can?
Life can be so unfair.