its july already?! 18 days until my birthday!

*Disclaimer: This post is heavy in melancholy, whining, and general feeling sorry for myself. You've been warned.*
 
Happy July! Good Christ, I can't believe its July already.

I wish I could be thinking about this weekend. Thinking about camping, and playing on the lake, in the boat. Thinking about bbqing and drinking and fireworks. But unfortunately I'm not.

All I can think about is that I haven't stayed at the boyfriend's place in almost 3 weeks. That he's slowly but surely pulling away from me, spending less and less time together.

When I finally worked up the courage to ask him if "we" were okay, or if there was anything going on that I needed to be aware of, any issues, he said no. I try to take solace in that. But its just hard to ignore all the non-verbal signs. We still hang out, although not every night like we used to. Maybe 2 times a week. He still texts, but not as much, he still calls, but not as much. Its just weird.

I try to take mom and friend's advice and "busy myself" which is incredibly hard to do when you're unemployed. Not to mention the fact that even when I'm "busy" I have the multi-tasking feminine mind that can obsess about men and be working, or reading, or watching a movie all at the same time. Goddammit. I've always wished for the simplicity (and don't be angry boys, I think its a blessing) of the one track mind that most men seem to have. "I'm working, working working. Working, working, working. Lunch, work work work. Oh wait, its been 3 days, and I haven't called my girlfriend." Well, maybe not quite that bad, but you get the point.

I painted my toenails a festive red for the 4th of July. Decided I hated it cause I messed up too much and now I have one painted foot, and one not painted. Nice.

I actually read ONE WHOLE BOOK the other day, "busying" myself. (Sarah Silverman's Bedwetter. Quiet entertaining actually) I even started another and read nearly half!! I have a serious case of too much time on my hands.

Don't get me wrong. I'm very good at hiding my internal freak outs from the boyfriend. I freak out to mom and friends... asking "what does this mean?" "he said this, how should I respond?" blah blah blah. Honestly I give him a LOT of space, so don't think that I'm crowding him or anything.

I just hope he's going through something that honestly doesn't have anything to do with me. And yet, I think to myself, his actions ARE affecting me, and therefore now concern me. *sigh* I just wish we (men and women) thought more alike. What a joke that we are paired the way we are, in the natural world, being so dissimilar! Funny, and yet sad.

I guess today its just particuarly worse that the last couple of days. Nothing particular has happened between US that would cause something new. As far as I know we're still planning on spending the weekend together.

Soooooo, now I'm busying myself. I got a hair cut today. I don't know if I like it... its a little blunt on the ends... whatever!! At least its all soft and has that "just went to the salon" smell!

 Ignore the bags... I've had a rough week.

If you're still reading, thanks for getting through this with me. I wish my life was always fun and funny, so I could entertain you always!! But this is my blog, and that's just not me.

Word.

200th Post! And an end of an era.

Hey kiddies. NEW LAYOUT!! WOOOOO!

I'm sorry I've been less-than-awesome lately. In an attempt to post something but not being able to think of anything, I've changed my layout. I've been trying so hard to think of something wonderful to post, but my personal life has been basically an internal shit-storm, mostly of my own creation, but nevertheless...

Happy 200th Post to me! I've been thinking about posting for a few days now, but was thinking that my 200th should be something awesome. Amazing. Truly Earth-shattering. But alas, I'm not sure if this will please you or not... but here goes.

The End of an Era:

 My bestest friend in the world is a lovely gal named Ester. We met during my summer abroad in Germany. She was exactly what I needed at that point in my life. A super amazing best friend. Someone who listened, was incredibly wise beyond her years, sweet, caring, and beyond awesome. We were closer than sisters, sharing everything, from future careers, men, what we wanted out of life and growing old. We each knew we'd end up growing old together, in some form or another.

During our time abroad, we shared everything. She an Italian born, Canadian resident, and I an Oregon born, Oregonian. We traveled to every place imaginable, Prague, Paris, Florence, Frankfurt, Wurtzburg, Sienna, Pisa, and Spain. We shared so many amazing travel adventures I wouldn't even know where to begin...

I was having a very difficult time at the end of our study abroad. I was madly in love with a friend of ours, Robert. Rob and I had a whirlwind romance, that lasted for almost 2 years after our time together in Germany. To date, we are still very good friends, but have come to grips with the ups and downs of every day life, and realized what was actually possible out of our relationship. So we are great, great friends. But you know who was there for me for those 2 years of ups and downs? Yup, Ester.

We spent every spare minute emailing each other, facebooking, calling, emailing, emailing, calling, emailing and visiting each other. I went to Canada 3 times visiting herseeing the sights of Toronto. She visited me three times in New York City when I was living there. We were still so close, not letting distance come between us.

Long story short, my dear Ester met a man. Or so I "heard."  She had basically dropped off the face of the earth for nearly 13 months. A few short emails here, short phone calls there, and she was now engaged. Oh, did I mention that she had been engaged for a week?!? Yeah. Thanks for the update "friend." We chatted about him, her, them and upcoming plans. I was truly happy for them, but was sad I wasn't her "first" call. We were best friends... right?!

Cut to now. Yeah. Another 6 months. She's texted me once to tell me when she's set the date for. July 31st. Also the same date as another friend of mine's wedding. I asked her what she needed me to do for the wedding... the basic who/what/when/where I'd need to be to help. She never responded.

Its now 5 weeks out from her wedding. I'm beginning to think I'm not even invited to the wedding, let alone be in the wedding. My  mom tries to tell me I've done nothing wrong. She's made her choice. I've emailed and emailed and emailed, and called and texted and called. All with no response.  Its so incredibly hard to not take this personally. What did I do? Did I not do? I cry at least once a week over the whole thing.

So this week, in an attempt at closure... I've bought a wedding present and sent it away. Some really cute salad tongs, that are hand made in Oregon. The card said "Wish I could be there for your big day" blah blah blah, since now its way too close for me to pop for a plane ticket to Toronto. I really wish them both happiness, but it is extremely bitter sweet. I wish I could be there. I miss my friend so much you'll never know.

I'm done. I will never forget about my friend, but I'm done. I may still cry every night, especially the night of her wedding. My little Ester. It breaks my heart to not be there for her. For her to not want me to be there for her. I guess we all make our choices in life. I just wish they didn't all have to hurt so much.


Such is my life. Fun times, no? So that was then, and this is now. I just wish I knew, why? But I'll probably never know why. I guess I can hope, back in my heart of hearts, that she someday comes back to me. But I'm not going to hold my breath. I will hold her in my heart forever. Maybe someday, when we're old and gray, widows, we'll find each other, and maybe end our lives together by the sea shore in Spain. And maybe not. A girl can dream, can't she?

wordless wednesday [lelove edition]

Diablo Pizza

HOTTEST pizza ever!

Buffalo wing sauce instead of pizza sauce, mozzarella cheese, chicken and jalapenos! Holy mother f*cking Hottt and SPICEY!

Drank 3 glasses of water and 2 beers while eating HALF of the pizza... couldn't do the other half.

White Flag!

great expectations

On a more serious note…

I need to preface this post with the fact that I’ve been very unsuccessful in love. I’m an extremely battered and wounded soldier. Indeed Love is a Battlefield.

I've dated my share of losers. Gun enthusiasts fanatics, republicans (gasp!), unemployed, unambitious, uneducated, and even one 19 year-old (last year *hangs head in shame*). Guys with kids. With ex-wives (never fun), ex-fiancés, and once one with a girlfriend (that I did not know about!!). Not to mention the guys who just seemed to find joy in playing emotional roulette with my heart.

Recently Mr. Man and I had our 3 month anniversary. I know that the “honeymoon phase” ends sometime, but I didn’t really think that it would be this soon. Here’s my basic dilemma I had, in a nutshell… (and no, he doesn’t read this blog)

He basically just stopped showing me almost ANY affection. I’m a fairly affectionate person, holding hands, kissing, etc, but it doesn’t have to be in public or anything, but alone at home is another story. I talked to him about it, and he said that's "just how he is" and that everything was “fine.” But it still just felt off, and being the over analyzer that I am, I couldn’t stop thinking about that there was seriously something he wasn’t telling me, or if he's just stressed and going through a rough time, or if things were getting "old" because we're getting really comfortable together, or if we're spending too much time together…

But during the last two weeks I had really been thinking about my relationship and relationships in general. I consider this to be my first real adult relationship. I’m trying very hard to be open and honest, so he sees the real me (as scary as that can be) and truly open with my feelings, which is incredibly difficult for me.

So I often wonder, do I actually know HOW to be in a relationship? I'm sure many of you have thought the same thing; what is normal? Is THIS normal? Honestly almost all my ideas about relationships are either from my own personal dysfunctional ones that didn't work out, from the movies and TV. shows, or from watching other couples. And I know that with other couples (including my parents) you never know what’s actually going on INSIDE the relationship; you only see what’s in public. Behind closed doors they could really be miserable and fight all the time.

The question I’d been pondering is it or is it worth sacrificing ONE thing (In my case, affection) to have someone who truly cares about you? Whom is essentially the “whole package” less minus one thing. And I’m not talking about “settling” but rather a compromise.

LUCKILY I spoke to another one of my recently married and very happy in her relationship friends about this situation, and she started nodding. She asked me if we had recently had any talks about being “serious” or “long term”, and I said yes. She basically told me that her husband is exactly the same way. But that he is honestly just that way. Her husband had been seriously hurt in previous relationships (just as my Mr. Man has) he’s just become much less affectionate, but that it doesn’t change anything about how he feels about her. She has to ask for kisses and has to grab his hand if she wants it held. She said it did take some getting used to, but she knows he cares about her by what he does for her and what he says.

Well needless to say I have felt SO MUCH BETTER since I’ve talked to her. And honestly since we spoke, things have been better much between me and Mr. Man. Now of course a lot has to do with my own state of mind. Being in a better mental place, simply makes me happier, which of course he feeds off, and is happier himself (not having to wonder why I’m upset)

Now, I know its early in this relationship, and that anything can happen. But since day one I’ve known that this really great guy. Someone to laugh with and have fun with. One that could truly be my partner for life. I guess I can safely say, that I am perfectly happy not having someone who is 100% exactly what I thought my partner would be like. And maybe that's a good thing. :)

Love does not consist in gazing at each other,
but in looking outward together in the same direction

so afraid of old age

"We are so arrogant, aren't we? So afraid of age.

We do everything we can to prevent it.

We don't realize what a privilege it is to grow old with someone.

Someone who doesn't drive you to commit murder.

Doesn't humiliate you beyond repair."

from "P.S. I Love You"

6WS

Date 5 tonight!
Happy... Smiling... Smitten! ♥



I know, I know, makes you wanna vomit, right?!
Sorry kiddies, but I can't wipe the smile off my face!!

love & other burning sensations

its funny how emotions can sneak up on you. it doesn't take much. a song, or a story, or even talking about pizza.

I'll be the first to admit that my love life has never been a strong suit of mine. But I'd always thought that my friendships were something I could always depend on. Always there, no matter what. I guess I always think that way because that's the kind of friend I am.

But here I am, in this situation. I've slowly lost friends to their love lives before. Its never something you get used to, and no matter how many times it happens, and you always hope its the last.

I lost my best friend Travis to a jealous girlfriend/now wife who at some point decided that she hated me, and that Travis and I should never really hang out a gain. Granted, I can still see Trav when I visit him at work, but we all know its not the same.

My best friend Ben disappeared when he started dating his lady friend/now fiancee Tara. Don't get me wrong, there's no animosity there on either side, but he's still pretty much disappeared from my life.

And now to make matters worse Travis and Ben are now basically best friends. Friends because of ME. And now they're better friends with eachother than either of them are with me. And of course their ladies are becoming fast best friends. I'm happy for them and their friendship, but it still stings, a lot.

And now my best friend Ester has done the same thing. Disappeared. Gone. I've called and emailed and basically stalked her, only to find out she had gotten engaged. ENGAGED!! Thanks for telling me right when it happened supposed best friend. I mean... really??!?

What is it about being a couple the makes you think you can never spend time with single friends? I don't get it. I never thought I'd be here, friends lost to coupledom. But here I am, still here, still single. Why do I have to be punished for not settling for someone or not settling down (not that any of my friends are settling, but they are settling down.) I just wish I understood this phenomenon.

And the worst thing of all, in my opinion, is that my former best friends now have children, and their children don't even know me. That point really, really hurts.

I've come to the point of, how hard do I have to try to keep this relationship together? I call, try to make plans and we'll sometimes hang out. But almost NEVER to they call me to make plans. "Are you coming over? Want to go see a movie?" Nope. Its always the safe-zone of the bar and karaoke, where its easy to talk to me in passing and not spend too much time with me. And as the lady friends gossip with each other never speaking to me. The giant elephant in the room we all try not to talk about. Sometimes I feel like the elephant. So yeah, that's great fun. I love spending time with my friends, but its just not the same.

Sometimes I wonder if its something I've done. Have I chosen bad friends for them to desert me like this? Is this a choice I've made? Have a done something wrong for them to leave my life? Am I just supposed to be settled down now? Do I attempt to mend this somewhat broken friendships? or just move on since they aren't putting as much in as I am? at what point do you just give up?

workin for the weekend

i have such a huge work crush its not even funny.

Its been so long since I've had an actual crush! I feel giddy like a school girl. All butterflied in my stomach and everything. I just can't stop grinning! Ahhhhhhhh, i'm a nerd.

Anyways, I have a date this friday! :) yipeeeee