ups and downs, highs and lows

Man am I ever tired of feeling like shit. Not physically, emotionally.

This weekend was fantastic. Just what the doctor ordered. Sunshine and snow and lots of good company. (See yesterday's post)

However today, I feel like crappola again. I received a call from my old job, the one I reapplied for, is passing on me. They didn't even tell me what their reasons are... just that they won't be taking back.  yay.

So I've had a bowl of ice cream and I'm sitting here wrapped in my blanket on the couch. I'm going to have a few beers later on with my friend.

I really had a good feeling about this one. I've had several people tell me that it wasn't meant to be, and that something else is coming up. Though its still hard to not feel like a loser. I just wish I knew why?

The good news is that I don't have to move. Although I was kind of looking forward to that. But I don't have to relocate, make new friends, go through that whole rigga-ma-role. And I don't have to deal with anything crazy with Mr. Man just yet (moving in together or moving across the country together or breaking up). Also I have several people interested in buying my car, so I'm hoping that will be taken care of soon. Who knows, maybe I'll have to live on that money while I continue to look for work.

Until then, I'm trying to be optimistic about the interview I had last Thursday...

Happy thoughts!

an update, some self-loathing and a little freaking out

My unemployment runs out in 3 weeks.

3 weeks!!

And I've been applying for jobs. Lots of jobs. Jobs I'm qualified to do. Jobs I'd be good at. Jobs I want to do..

In the mean time, I've gotten no calls. NONE.

So I'm really really really really starting to freak out. Like crying, hyperventilating, pacing, having-to-take-deep-breaths-and-drink-peppermint-tea-to-calm-the-fuck-down freaking out.

I'm starting to not spend any money and starting to sell my shit on line, just in case. I have no idea when more money will come in again. I will probably qualify for a "new" claim, but that will only be $150 a week, which honestly is pennies. And doesn't even cover my loan (which is co-signed by my mom and the only credit bill I'm current on), power bill and car insurance. This isn't counting cell phone, internet and heat.

So I'm starting to look for ANY kind of work. Like part-time, waitressing, whatthefuckever I can find. I applied at Staples as a cashier. I applied at Home Depot. I'm going to have to start showing up at coffee shops, restaurants and bars asking if they're hiring. Ugghhh. I hate to do that. They hate it when people do that. I have a college degree, and I can't find a job. Its so ridiculous!!! I feel like such a loser, loser, McLoser Pants.

As you know I re-applied for my old job. They called me last week to confirm that I was mobile. Of course I'm mobile! Yes!! A few days ago I emailed a current employee, who also quit and came back, about her experience. She said it took quite a while, from June to September, before she actually came back. I've also emailed old co-workers and supervisors to let them know I'm trying to come back. They all said they'd put a good word in for me. So it sounds like things sound like they're moving along, but slowly. And I still have to survive either way.

And to top it all off -- I had to replace my radiator this weekend. Luckily Mr. Man found one online for only $75 and installed it for me. SCORE! But, while he was "in there" he heard and saw some stuff that needs to be addressed soon. Like, will have to take-the-entire-motor-out to fix it, problem. And should-have-been-done-yesterday urgent. Great. I asked him if it would be worth it to fix it, or just sell my car and not have to deal with it. He said it'd probably be best to sell it. *sigh*

Well that's it. Life is pretty shitty now.

So today, I'm going to get a pedicure, a gift from Mr. Man for VDay. Then wash my car, and take some pictures to put it up on Craigslist. And finally, read my book club book (two days to finish) in the sunshine! Its actually sunny today. 45 degrees, but still sunny! I'm hoping a dose of vitamin D will make me feel better and perk up my spirits.

Happy thoughts!

its july already?! 18 days until my birthday!

*Disclaimer: This post is heavy in melancholy, whining, and general feeling sorry for myself. You've been warned.*
 
Happy July! Good Christ, I can't believe its July already.

I wish I could be thinking about this weekend. Thinking about camping, and playing on the lake, in the boat. Thinking about bbqing and drinking and fireworks. But unfortunately I'm not.

All I can think about is that I haven't stayed at the boyfriend's place in almost 3 weeks. That he's slowly but surely pulling away from me, spending less and less time together.

When I finally worked up the courage to ask him if "we" were okay, or if there was anything going on that I needed to be aware of, any issues, he said no. I try to take solace in that. But its just hard to ignore all the non-verbal signs. We still hang out, although not every night like we used to. Maybe 2 times a week. He still texts, but not as much, he still calls, but not as much. Its just weird.

I try to take mom and friend's advice and "busy myself" which is incredibly hard to do when you're unemployed. Not to mention the fact that even when I'm "busy" I have the multi-tasking feminine mind that can obsess about men and be working, or reading, or watching a movie all at the same time. Goddammit. I've always wished for the simplicity (and don't be angry boys, I think its a blessing) of the one track mind that most men seem to have. "I'm working, working working. Working, working, working. Lunch, work work work. Oh wait, its been 3 days, and I haven't called my girlfriend." Well, maybe not quite that bad, but you get the point.

I painted my toenails a festive red for the 4th of July. Decided I hated it cause I messed up too much and now I have one painted foot, and one not painted. Nice.

I actually read ONE WHOLE BOOK the other day, "busying" myself. (Sarah Silverman's Bedwetter. Quiet entertaining actually) I even started another and read nearly half!! I have a serious case of too much time on my hands.

Don't get me wrong. I'm very good at hiding my internal freak outs from the boyfriend. I freak out to mom and friends... asking "what does this mean?" "he said this, how should I respond?" blah blah blah. Honestly I give him a LOT of space, so don't think that I'm crowding him or anything.

I just hope he's going through something that honestly doesn't have anything to do with me. And yet, I think to myself, his actions ARE affecting me, and therefore now concern me. *sigh* I just wish we (men and women) thought more alike. What a joke that we are paired the way we are, in the natural world, being so dissimilar! Funny, and yet sad.

I guess today its just particuarly worse that the last couple of days. Nothing particular has happened between US that would cause something new. As far as I know we're still planning on spending the weekend together.

Soooooo, now I'm busying myself. I got a hair cut today. I don't know if I like it... its a little blunt on the ends... whatever!! At least its all soft and has that "just went to the salon" smell!

 Ignore the bags... I've had a rough week.

If you're still reading, thanks for getting through this with me. I wish my life was always fun and funny, so I could entertain you always!! But this is my blog, and that's just not me.

Word.

someone's got a case of the Mondays

I gotta be honest, lately I've been feeling very introspective, melancholy and got a raging case of wanderlust. Do they make a cream for that? No? Anyways. I was reading through some journals from the summer I studied abroad and laughing and reminiscing. Most of this has been brought on by the World Cup, since I studied abroad IN GERMANY when the World Cup was last there. And that my BFF (presumably past tense) is getting married, whom I met in Germany, and I haven't spoken to in months.

So in absence of anything truly funny or witty, please enjoy some lessons learned from some of my past travels.

• Airports have turned into malls.
• Duke rowdies and New York Yankee nuts seem like churchgoers compared to soccer fans.
• The lower the latitude, the crazier the driving.
• Large drip coffee? Free refill? Still a foreign concept.
• Open doors are often widest from the people with the least.
• ATMs are the world's currency. And the US dollar will often suffice. I've paid for gas in the Czech Republic, tolls in Italy and t-shirts in Poland with American greenbacks. Next time I'm in North Dakota I'll try to give Russian rubles to a gas station attendant.
• I thought my to-visit list would shrink once I'd visited other countries. Only to find it's grown exponentially.

Big win for Deutchland yesterday. Close tie for Italia today. Should be a good game for Brasil tomorrow. Can't wait for the first round games to be over, its been kinda boring. And for those stupid swarm sounding horns to be out-lawed. (And yes, I'm pompus like that, spelling countries like THEY spell them, at least during the World Cup)