Tuesday, February 19

I Do Not Wear a Green Apron

I've been in the coffee business for awhile now. I worked for two years during college, and now that a college graduate, I work at another coffee shop (at least I'm MANAGING this one).

Photo Credit : workinprowess.com

In general, I keep a smile on my face and an upbeat attitude, but after a particularly long day at work, I feel I need to rant and rave about proper coffee etiquette for those of you who need your caffeine fix.

First of all, I'm a pretty fast barista. So please don't tell me that you're in a hurry and I need to make your drink FAST. This will just make me move slower, because, what kind of idiot stops to get coffee when they're running late? Seriously.

Having said that I am super fast, I am human. And do make mistakes on occasion. *gasp!* I know it was my fault, and if you come back I will be more than happy to remake it for you and offer you a second drink. But if you act like a dick that I accidentally gave you drink 16oz instead of the 12oz, then that's just gonna piss me off, and make you look like a douche.

Although appreciated, I don't expect a tip every time, nor do I think it's necessary. I work in a college town, I understand where you're coming from and don't expect you to tip me. But when you rack up a $28 tab, and don't leave a tip, that's just rude. It takes me quite a while to crank those 7 drinks out, just as you ordered, or was illegibly written down on a post-it note from everyone in your office. It's even more rude when your company pays for your tab, and you still don't leave a tip. Would you spend $30 at a restaurant and not leave a tip? You would? Oh, well fuck you then.

We are not Starbucks. You are not at a Starbucks. Our 20oz drinks aren't called a "venti," so when you stroll in asking for a "venti" something, I want to shoot you. You're an idiot.

And on the Starbucks note... I understand that they are a huge corporation and are EVERYWHERE, but please don't realize that all coffee shops are the same as Starbucks. Please know what you're ordering. A Carmel Macchiato is a TRADEMARKED STARBUCKS DRINK. Legally, no one else can offer to make you one. Know that you're ordering a super sugary, caramel and vanilla latte with whipped cream and even more caramel. A true macchiato is a shot of espresso with some foam on top. If you order a caramel macchiato from me, and you're a douche about it, I'll make you a traditional one, and you'll be really, really confused. Do it. I dare you.

I consider myself well-educated. Please don't talk down to me because I am a barista. Don't just assume that everyone working at a coffee shop is an uneducated idiot, or a sorority girl. To be honest, there are four, yes, count them FOUR of us, who hold college degrees at our shop. The economy sucks. Don't treat me like I'm less than you because I'm gainfully employed at a job that just doesn't happen to be what I got my degree in.

SPEAK UP. I feel like the ass when I repeatedly have to ask: "I'm sorry, what did you say?" numerous times because you're too damn quiet. Its gonna be hard to get your Half-Caf- Soy- Mocha with Sugar Free Vanilla drink right, if I can't hear you order it.

Get off the phone when you're ordering food. You know, its a good idea in general to get off your fucking phone when interacting with ANYONE. Its just so rude.

I'm sure you can understand that me temporarily occupying the place behind this cash register does not make me "The Man". Please don't give me any attitude when I have to charge you 50 cents to use your credit card because your order is under seven dollars. Its not MY PERSONAL POLICY. Its the owner's. Feel free to have $1.65 on you if you don't like it. Oh, and we share a parking lot with two different banks, go there, or to the ATM machine. Same thing goes for trying to use a $100 bill at 8 am. No. I don't have $98 in big bills to change for that, surprise, surprise. Take your change in 5s and 1s and like it, or come prepared. (Who gets $100 bills from the bank anyway? Its just stupid).

It's two o'clock in the afternoon, I KNOW you don't have a job because you sit in here drinking coffee after coffee all day sketching in your super "artsy" sketchbook no matter what shift I am working. So don't fucking tap your impatient little toe at me if your shots pull a little fast and I make you a few new ones after adjusting my grind or my method of tamping. Go sit down, sharpen your pencils, and I will bring you your drink. Isn't that amazing? You see, cocksucker, although I may only be "barista-ing", I DO take pride in my work, and I DO want you to enjoy your non-bitter espresso, since I have to see you every single day. You should learn to appreciate that, and get a job so you can understand what it means to strive for better performance even though you make Dick-Balls an hour. It builds character. If you don't like character, there's a Starbucks down the block.

And Vegans, I could explain to you why dairy substitutes do not taste or behave like real dairy does from both a scientific standpoint, and a psychological one. But I will refrain from doing that, because like most professional, kind-hearted people, I admire your restraint, and I respect your choices, dietary and otherwise. So don't complain to me that your soy latte doesn't taste "right." I know it doesn't taste right, you punk-ass, it's made from SOY
And soy beans, although wonderful and nutritious, are not MILK. They are low in fat and oil, unlike milk, which is a complex substance bolstered by copious amounts of fat, and as we all know: fat equals flavor. That soy? It tastes as artificial as it is. Do not order a soy, almond or any other milk substitute cappuccino. If you truly know what a cappuccino is, you will know it contains a lot of foam. And milk substitutes DO NOT FOAM. They may bubble, but they do not make true, silky foam. You need fat and proteins for that, which your substitute milk does not have. Just order a latte, because you look stupid.

Please know, most of these things I never actually say at work, these are just the inner musings of my brain.

In caffeine we trust,

McGriddle Pants

P.S. I may sound like a snob, I assure you I'm not as bad as these girls...