Thursday, April 29

scale be damned!

What the fuck exercise? Seriously? Why have you failed me so?!

For the last 3 weeks I've been working out for about an hour a day (this includes weight training) for about 4 days a week. What is really pissing me off is, for the last fucking week, I've been GAINING a pound a day! I shit you not! I'm so irriated at this, and of course have stopped getting on the scale... but really?! Man oh man, nothing deters you from going to the gymnasium like packing ON pounds when you're trying to be good.
Now I havn't been "super" dieting or anything. My goal honestly is to get healthier, and to fit into my favorite pants, not to necessarily be lighter. Well, I guess I have to work on the diet too, fuckers! Ahhhh well, shoulda known it would come to this.
Basically I've been putting on weight for about a year now. Slowly but surely. The unemployment really didn't help matters either. Sitting on the couch for roughly 6-7 hours a day is horrible for the metabolism. I try to get out, and as I said before, exercise. That's why I spend usually an hour a day, as opposed to the "doctor recommended 30-40 minutes". Whatevs. Stupid metabolism.
I've cut a few things out of my diet entirely (for now):
  • No more french fries until the scale starts to cooperate. NONE! *sigh*
  • No more soda either. This includes diet. I don't need that much sodium or sugar.
  • No eating after 8pm
That's about as far as my "dieting" goes. Except severely increase the intake of fruits and veggies, decreasing the red meat and other obviously fattening foods. (reading labels people!)
I have a few other inspirations to help me. I've been watching Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution on Its CRAZY! I love what he's doing! (In a nutshell, he's a famous chef, who has gone to America's "fattest and unhealthiest" city Huntington West Virginia, and is teaching people how to be healthier, cook for themselves, and make them all around smarter about their food habits) Its really startling to see how little some people know about actual nutrition or how horrendous the school lunch system is. Really check it out!
I also just watched the movie Food Inc.

Wow. Wow. Wow. All I can say is watch it. You'll never look at your food the same way again. Let me prefact this by saysing it isn't full of PETA videos showing cruelty to animals. I didn't have any "look away" moments. Its just extremely inforative about the status of our food industry (meat and vegetable), and how a few large corporations are really the ones in charge of everything. Now, I'm no conspiracy nut or anything, but the basic message I took away was, BUY LOCAL, and ORGANIC. And I may never eat a hamburger again. Add it to your NetFlix queue!

Finally I'm reading a book called "French Women Don't Get Fat."
I actually read a different book from this author, and I didn't realize it was her who wrote this particular book. I've picked up this one at Borders on several occasions, but just never purchased it for one reason or another. But this time I checked it out from the library and am really enjoying it. The author has some great ideas, all from personal experience, about changing the way you think about the way you eat, while still enjoying the things you love. Moderation, moderation. Right? But she includes lots of great little recipes and stories to drive the point home. And really... has anyone seen a fat French woman? Non!
Do you have any other ideas or tips? How do you stay motivated?

Tuesday, April 27

random shit tuesday

<span class=

welcome to random shit tuesday!
Or random tuesday thoughts... an idea borrowed from the unmom.
i know its not as fun as tuesday tunes, but i haven't had any new music revelations in the last week... so sue me.

-- --

I. Can't. Wait. For. Summer!
Good gravy I've got the itch. And the only cream that's going to cure it is sunscreen! We just had 2 days of sunshine, and now... Back to April Showers.
Hurry up May Flowers!
I'm planning a trip to Yosemite with Mr. Man this summer.

Ever been? Any tips or suggestions?

-- --

I really hate Rachel Ray. She's so obnoxious!
I've always thought she seemed really fake.
Then, some friends went to see her show in NyC. They said she was just as fake as I had thought. She didn't come out and chat to the audience at all, and was running around bitching at her production assistants.

LAME! No thanks.

-- --

This weekend I'm going to dog sit for this guy:

I mean seriously... Isn't he the CUTEST?!?
His name is Utley, he's a Puggle (Pug/Beagle) He's INSANELY energetic, but I'm super excited to hang out with this little guy for the whole weekend!!

-- --

Looking for something fun to do? I just found this site through Facebook of all places.
My local Oregon site is

Almost all the major cities have one. I cruised around the Portland site and found so many fun cool things to do and try. I'm even excited to check out a Murder Mystery dinner theater. How fun!
-- --

Ever been out at the bar when guys (or gals) are harassing you? Never getting the hint, but being persistent? Now we have the answer...
The Rejection Hotline
Funniest Website EVAHHH! Do it! Go there, find your state, dial the number.
You won't be disappointed. And be sure to memorize your local number!!

Monday, April 26

working on my fitness

McGriddle Pants on going to the gym...

After having belonged to many gyms, I'm used to the grunting/heaving/sighing weird noises coming from the weight lifting area. Who can forget the Jersey Shore like "WHAAAAAT!?" dude from My New Haircut. However, I am not okay with the moaning noises coming from that area last week. I swear to ba-Jesus that it sounded like someone was having sex. Uuggghhhhh. Uuugggghhhhhhhhhhhh. Ahhhhhhhh. Uuughhhh. Gross! Stop that shit!

You there! 6' tall, stick-figure super model look alike, 20 year old girl!! Ya you, in skin tight pants and top. Get out of the gym! If I wanted to feel bad about myself I'd sit at home and watch America's Next Top Model. I don't need to see this shit at the gym. Go home and eat a bag of Doritos!

Never, ever go to the gym when the trainer is doing his own work out. It will make you really feel like complete shit about yourself and your own work out. He was balancing, and stretching, and lifting all over the place. Then he gets on the tread mill next to me and starts jogging backwards. I seriously couldn't help but secretly hope that he trips and falls. Showoff.

WHY IS THE FOOD NETWORK ALWAYS ON?! Seriously. When trying to be good with your diet, and on minute 47 pounding away on the treadmill, why oh why is Paula Dean on the TV making some fatty, buttery deep-fried dish y'all?


In the mean time I'm enjoying my new black Columbia fleece pants that I picked up from the outlet mall at the beach. As my friend Adri says, they "reek of unemployment!" I love it.

Mr. Man and myself catching up on some Dexter. I love that too.

Friday, April 23

Diablo Pizza

HOTTEST pizza ever!

Buffalo wing sauce instead of pizza sauce, mozzarella cheese, chicken and jalapenos! Holy mother f*cking Hottt and SPICEY!

Drank 3 glasses of water and 2 beers while eating HALF of the pizza... couldn't do the other half.

White Flag!

Wednesday, April 21

such a loudmouth

In case you haven't watched any golf, or seen the Golf Channel show Being John Daly then you may not know about this awesome clothing company, Loudmouth Golf.

I really really really really really want some of these pants.

Fucking Amazing.

Please enjoy this almost wordless Wednesday

John Daly in action

I think he needs those 3-D glasses to get the full effect of that suit

I wanna golf with these guys!!

The Norwegian Curling team also liked the pants
for their Winter Olympics uniforms...

Too bad they're $90 a pair!!

I think its time to go to the fabric store...

Tuesday, April 20

great expectations

On a more serious note…

I need to preface this post with the fact that I’ve been very unsuccessful in love. I’m an extremely battered and wounded soldier. Indeed Love is a Battlefield.

I've dated my share of losers. Gun enthusiasts fanatics, republicans (gasp!), unemployed, unambitious, uneducated, and even one 19 year-old (last year *hangs head in shame*). Guys with kids. With ex-wives (never fun), ex-fianc├ęs, and once one with a girlfriend (that I did not know about!!). Not to mention the guys who just seemed to find joy in playing emotional roulette with my heart.

Recently Mr. Man and I had our 3 month anniversary. I know that the “honeymoon phase” ends sometime, but I didn’t really think that it would be this soon. Here’s my basic dilemma I had, in a nutshell… (and no, he doesn’t read this blog)

He basically just stopped showing me almost ANY affection. I’m a fairly affectionate person, holding hands, kissing, etc, but it doesn’t have to be in public or anything, but alone at home is another story. I talked to him about it, and he said that's "just how he is" and that everything was “fine.” But it still just felt off, and being the over analyzer that I am, I couldn’t stop thinking about that there was seriously something he wasn’t telling me, or if he's just stressed and going through a rough time, or if things were getting "old" because we're getting really comfortable together, or if we're spending too much time together…

But during the last two weeks I had really been thinking about my relationship and relationships in general. I consider this to be my first real adult relationship. I’m trying very hard to be open and honest, so he sees the real me (as scary as that can be) and truly open with my feelings, which is incredibly difficult for me.

So I often wonder, do I actually know HOW to be in a relationship? I'm sure many of you have thought the same thing; what is normal? Is THIS normal? Honestly almost all my ideas about relationships are either from my own personal dysfunctional ones that didn't work out, from the movies and TV. shows, or from watching other couples. And I know that with other couples (including my parents) you never know what’s actually going on INSIDE the relationship; you only see what’s in public. Behind closed doors they could really be miserable and fight all the time.

The question I’d been pondering is it or is it worth sacrificing ONE thing (In my case, affection) to have someone who truly cares about you? Whom is essentially the “whole package” less minus one thing. And I’m not talking about “settling” but rather a compromise.

LUCKILY I spoke to another one of my recently married and very happy in her relationship friends about this situation, and she started nodding. She asked me if we had recently had any talks about being “serious” or “long term”, and I said yes. She basically told me that her husband is exactly the same way. But that he is honestly just that way. Her husband had been seriously hurt in previous relationships (just as my Mr. Man has) he’s just become much less affectionate, but that it doesn’t change anything about how he feels about her. She has to ask for kisses and has to grab his hand if she wants it held. She said it did take some getting used to, but she knows he cares about her by what he does for her and what he says.

Well needless to say I have felt SO MUCH BETTER since I’ve talked to her. And honestly since we spoke, things have been better much between me and Mr. Man. Now of course a lot has to do with my own state of mind. Being in a better mental place, simply makes me happier, which of course he feeds off, and is happier himself (not having to wonder why I’m upset)

Now, I know its early in this relationship, and that anything can happen. But since day one I’ve known that this really great guy. Someone to laugh with and have fun with. One that could truly be my partner for life. I guess I can safely say, that I am perfectly happy not having someone who is 100% exactly what I thought my partner would be like. And maybe that's a good thing. :)

Love does not consist in gazing at each other,
but in looking outward together in the same direction

Monday, April 19

does a bear shit in the woods?

I know, I know, I've been a bad blog friend this last few days. Sometimes when life feels like its going to shit, its just hard to sit down and put it into words. Or to be funny. Or to not teach idiot drivers "lessons" with my car. Bit I digress... More on that later. For now its

Monday Minute

Its a Monday tradition over at the DDoR to sit back, relax, and take a Monday Minute. This is my first MM, so please enjoy!

1 - Ever take a shit in the woods?
Get ready for some TMI here. Its a tradition in my friend circle to have "River Parties" down at my parents house. Our property is less than a 1/4 mile from a shallow, slow moving part of the Santiam River, surrounded by lovely birch trees and the perfect spot for tubing, drinking and bonfiring. Well lets just say, that when you start drinking at noon, you may need to use the non-existent outdoor facilities at one time or another. And hypothetically speaking I may have used the non-existent facilities. Paper towels have many, many uses. The worst part is seeing it later, in the morning. Spotting the paper towels through the shrubs and hearing someone yell "Who took a dump over there?!?"

Embarrassment is so much easier to hide in the dark.

2 - If you won $1,000, what's the first thing you would do with it besides give Ian a cut?
Remember when $100 was a lot of money? Or even $500? Good Lord, now $1000 wouldn't even make a dent! *sigh* Beer money. Vacation money. Maybe pay some to my mom (whom I currently owe over $3000... Whooray for financial independence!)

3 - What's your favorite phrase?

The Inspirational ~
"Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step." (Martin Luther King Jr.)

The Amusing ~
"Boring is a choice; Mild salsa and pleated khakis don't buy themselves."

and The Ever Impressive ~
"There's no shower strong enough to wash the douche-bag from your soul."

4 - Fill in the blank - the world would be a better place if ______ left the planet.
Fear-mongering, ignorance-pandering and down right LYING politicians and "political analists" such as Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin.

5 - How do you take your coffee or tea?
I like my coffee like I like my women. Covered in bees!!

Friday, April 16

mom to the rescue

There's a mother fucking snake in my house!!
Not on the plane! IN MY HOUSE!!
I am sick and tired of all these mother fucking snakes in my mother fucking house!!

10:37 AM

10:43 AM Denise: OMG.
HMM. stand up on something?
me: Its under the stove
Denise: well, stop typing
me: scared the SHIT out of me
im watching the stove
Denise: i cant even imagine.
me: its in there
i called my landlord
Denise: oh good
me: she's like "oh its harmless"
"it'll leave"
Denise: LOL
me: i'm like I WANT IT OUT NOW
she's like "oh i dont know what i can do"
are you fucking shitting me?!?
Denise: key is to find out where it came from so you can patch that whole
call pest control?
me: i was like how the fuck did it get in here?
Denise: a whole
me: i live in the country, they're everywhere
Denise: a vent
me: OUTSIDE everywhere
Denise: my sister had one a few years ago in NC
10:45 AM me: ive never had one in my house before
Denise: came in throguh the stove vent
me: wow
fucking nuts
Denise: or air conditiong - i dont remember
me: i just talked to my friend about living with her this morning too
there's a snake in my apartment!!!!!
i have to move.
Denise: good thing it is still early so you dont have to sleep with it.
i wouldn't sleep
10:46 AM Denise: roommate might be nice.
10:47 AM me: i can't believe my landlord isn't even going to come over and help
she was like "you sound upset"
i was like OBVIOUSLY
10:48 AM Denise: LMAO. sorry, i cant believe she would react like that.
me: yeah
Denise: i didnt sleep in my apt for days when i found a HUGE FURRY CATEPILLLER (10 years ago)
me: hahahahaa
Denise: it was HUGE, and maybe it wasnt a catepiller. idk
10:49 AM i would call pest control
they can bait it out or move the stove out or soemthing. then give the LL your bill
10:51 AM me: its coming out
i opened the door
Denise: oh smart. good thinking.
10:57 AM Denise: did it go out????
me: no, back under the stove
fuck. fuck. fuck
11:33 AM me: my mom's coming over
11:34 AM Denise: oh nice. smart, she will know what to do

Mom came over, and we COULDN'T FIND IT! Good Lord. We searched around, found a gap under the cabinets, that he probably got out, near the pipe for the sink. I hope he has a good life.

Sunday, April 11

so afraid of old age

"We are so arrogant, aren't we? So afraid of age.

We do everything we can to prevent it.

We don't realize what a privilege it is to grow old with someone.

Someone who doesn't drive you to commit murder.

Doesn't humiliate you beyond repair."
from "P.S. I Love You"

Friday, April 9

drink the whole bottle

The Scene: The kitchen.

Me getting a beer from the fridge.

My friend is putting ice into a glass. A bottle of Captain's rum and a 2 litre of coke are on the counter.

My friend's 11 year-old dauhgter walks in.

- - -

Child: "What are you doing?"

Adult: "Putting ice in the glass"

Child: "Why?"

Adult: "Beacuse I want to mix these two together in the glass with ice"

Child: "I would just drink it out of the bottle!"

*all in the room pause... and then burst into laughter*

Tuesday, April 6

tuesday tunes: guilty pleasures edition

And I ain't talking about this Streisand/Barry Gibb monstrosity.

Today I'm combining Tuesday Tunes with Guilty Pleasures. Here are my iPod guilty pleasures!

Don't judge me people.
  • Miley Cirus "Party in the USA"
  • Wham! "Careless Whisper"
  • The entire Sound of Music soundtrack with movie cast
  • Neil Diamond, The Christmas Album
  • Snow "Informer"
  • Prince, Purple Rain
  • Usher "Yeah"
  • Ace of Base, The Sign (yeah, the WHOLE album)
  • Billy Squire "The Stroke"
  • all songs Lady GaGa
  • Fresh Prince aka Will Smith "Nightmare on My Street"
  • Will Smith "Wild, Wild West"
  • Avril Lavigne "I'm With You"
  • Ray Parker Jr. "Ghostbusters"
  • Nelly "Getting Hot in Here"
  • Toto "Africa" (any song that includes the word "Serengeti" in its lyrics is awesome)
  • Tom Jones "Its Not Unusual"
  • many, many, too many KISS albums

Was Poison's "Nothing But A Good Time" playing as I wrote this post?

Yes, yes it was.

What are your guilty pleasures??

Monday, April 5

lemosas and boozey eggs

Spring has sprung!

My soon-to-be beautiful Nasturtiums have sprouted! So have my snap peas and cilantro! Yipee!!

I hope everyone had a great Easter! Mine was filled with ham and potatoes and lemon tarts and ridiculous adult easter egg hunts. Get your mind out of the gutter you pervs!! It was just an easter egg hunt with grown-up treats! Such as... candy (of course), lottery tickets, CASH MONEY, and mini booze bottles. Yeahhhh! And of course, INDOORS since it was raining cats and dogs yesterday.

Oh! And how could I forget these little beauties:

photo courtesy of The Food Network

Champagne and Lemonade! Or as my brother called them, "Lemosas"

Hooray for Jesus!

Friday, April 2

good hot tub friday time machine!

my today:

sleep in!










new blogs of note

antsy pants

quarter life chronicle

perfect compilation tape

salt says...

night notes on napkins

the sarcastic lab rat

the brewery

words of wisdom:

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws. Only catapults.


Everything is pocket sized. . . if your ass is big enough

Thursday, April 1

movie madness: throwback edition

Remember those movies from your childhood that you just loved? We all have them.

I've just recently started watching some retro movies, mostly because I'm unemployed, only have basic cable, and zero interest in day-time television.

Well my blog world friends, Be Warned!!... those amazing movies from the past just may be the biggest pieces of crap if you watch them now. What once was a stylized, amazing piece of cinematic awesomeness, can now be a shittily-edited, mind-numbingly bad special effects mixed in with a touch of really, really bad acting. And that's not even talking about the dialogue, clothing or hairstyles, which in my opinion can actually add value to the movie if they're bad enough.

Here's a list of a few hits and misses that I've just recently seen again (for the first time).


Maximum Overdrive
This movie basically defines how awesome bad acting can be. Get ready as murderous vehicles come to life after Earth passes through the tail of a comet. It's up to Emilio Estevez and his gang to destroy the machines and save mankind. Amazingly cheesy.


Reality Bites

Ethan Hawke really is a giant douchecannon in this movie. Why in the hell did Winona get with him in the end? Cause we like 'bad boys'? NO. Not a particularly bad movie. Regrettably, not an especially good one either. Watch Singles instead, you won't be disappointed. Better soundtrack too.



This movie is so insane that they're doing a remake this year! Honestly the last time I watched this, I was pretty drunk. And I vaguely remember getting a little stoned too. But fear not!! I've seen this beauty at least 5 times in my life and it never disappoints. Basically, the government is genetically engineering pirahna's to be freshwater fish, and when 2 young kids who get naked therefore they die hikers stumble upon the operation, they take a swim in the pools, then accidently drain them, and then the flesh eating devils are on the loose (who is surprised by this plot point) The flesh-eaters are then heading downstream to the local camp!! NOOOOOOO! Its basically the best movie ever made.


Fire Starter
Mullets, eye patches, Heather Locklear's hair and 2 people on the run from the government. Extremely mediocre. Blah.


Road House
Shirtless Swayze, roundhouse kicks, lots of big hair and mullets, just an all around awesome movie. Swayze is "the best" bouncer/bar manager ever, and is recruited to "clean up" the Double Deuce (great name!) bar which has gotten out of control. If you have the right company, you'll enjoy the Road House drinking game!


Drop Dead Fred

One word. Boringgggggggggg. And really not that funny. A young girl's imaginary friend reappears in her adult life during her divorce. Phoebe Cates didn't go very far after Fast Times at Ridgemont High. I think its supposed to be more of a kids movie, aka your 12 year-old will like it.

Do you have any other suggestions or reviews??