Monday, August 30

raging river weekend

Great freaking weekend indeed! Holy crap! I can't even begin to say how much fun we had! Mostly I'll be relaying my adventure to you through  pictures, because honestly, they do speak 1,000 words.

Our adventure began in Maupin, OR, a huge mecca for rafting adventures. Its great to know river guides and people who own their own gear, so this weekend basically cost us about $40 each. Awesome I know!! We (after 2 hours) found a place to camp, and I was finally able to crack my first beer at 3pm on Friday. I was hoping for a noon-time starting, but it didn't happen, c'est la vie.

Saturday morning bright an early we got up and got geared up. We headed down to the launch site and then proceeded to wait and wait and wait, since there were a ton of other boats waiting to launch. But once we got going, it was amazing!! Mr. Man and I were in a boat with my friend's brother T*, joined by two other boats, 11 people in all.

A beautiful day on the Deschutes!
During a slow part of the river, T* let me steer our boat. I am an excellent guide! Forward Paddle Bitches!!!

Dominating this guide thing... a new calling?!

Box Car, Class III rapids

 Oak Springs, Class IV rapids
Of course of all the pics Oak Springs looks like no big deal, however here's a video (not mine) that shows you how bad ass it is! Oak Springs Video

  Wapinitia, Class III
Saturday night the boys decided last minute to head into Washington to raft the White Salmon River (on the way home, and only 40 minutes out of our way). Its a totally different river and more technically difficult. The best way to describe it is to say the Deschutes (in the high desert) has larger falls with more "downtime" and the White Salmon (in the woods) is consistantly rough, narrower and tougher to maneuver. Both were insanely awesome but in totally different ways. I didn't get any pics of us on the White Salmon... however there is a Class V rapid that was "voluntary" for us, and only a brave 4 volunteered, Mr. Man included. Heres some pics of the boys on the Husum Falls.



... GONE!!

And he's OKAY!!
Hahahaa, yeah, they didn't quite make it. There's video on facebook, which I of course can't download to show you kids here. But here's a video of some other crazies who actually made it!

Oh... and the best part?
My super awesome rafting booties!!

Thursday, August 26

best. movie. ever.

There are few words that can describe the movie I watched the other day. While browsing through my NetFlix online available movies, I came across this goddie in the "Gory Horror" section. At a whopping 68 minutes long, clad with what looks like an entire porn star cast (and with the expected acting skills to boot), and with its first boobie shot at exactly 0h0m into the film, is probably one of the funniest fucking movies I have ever seen.

And I've seen a LOT of movies.

The basic plot:
A homicidal turkey axes off college kids during Thanksgiving break.

I know, right?! Talk about a recipe for ultimate awesomeness!!

Let me get this out first so you understand what exactly what you are getting yourself into. This movie is stupid as hell so you need a sense of humor to enjoy it and that’s exactly what I did. It was a boring Tuesday evening so we decided "how could we not watch this movie?" and pressed play. The next thing I knew my sides were hurting from laughing so hard, and since its barely an hour long, we went to the store, bought more beer, and watched it again. 

The turkey is pretty "gangsta" for the most part, even saying "Nice tits bitch" after he offed the topless puritan in the woods after the very first Thanksgiving. Theres also another great scene when the turkey went to some chick’s house looking for her, and her Dad answers the door dressed up as a turkey for his annual costume party. They sit there at the dinner table sipping coffee while chatting and the turkey has on these black Groucho Marx eyeglasses. Finally the turkey has had it and adds daddy to the victims list. I mean, really? HAHAA!

However I have to say that my favorite scene during the movie is when the turkey is hitchhiking and an unsuspecting driver picks him up.

Then the driver opens the door and asks "Gas, Grass, or Ass?" The turkey basically implys he has no cash or weed, so he'll be providing sexual services to the driver, how I have no idea. The driver unzips his pants, like he's excited (?) to get head from a turkey. [Think it couldn't get any worse? Oh no, the scene goes on.] It is at this point that the turkey pulls out a shotgun (riiiight) from under his feathers and sticks it in the guys face, and then, fingerless as he may be, manages to pull the trigger and shoot the guy in the face. Oh yeah, then he steals his car and drives off.


No. I mean seriously.

no, seriously!

I must insist that you all watch it immediately, or buy it from I guess the unrated one is 1h26 minutes, so somehow they squeak out an twenty minutes of deleted scenes.

I'm ordering my copy right now!

Tuesday, August 24

i love camping! *or* its 430 am... why does it sound like i'm in a mexican restaurant?!

Holy shit balls. Sorry I've been MIA for nearly a week. I just got back from a fun filled weekend of camping and have I got some crazy shit to share.

Our first evening (after 4 beers or so) had us discussing the new year of middle-schooldom with my friend's daughter, E (no, not ecstacy you dorks, its an initial, cause she's ten, and there's lots of pervy stalkers out there in cyperspace, moving on.) She had lots of random questions, including some that involved her very first "monthly visitor" and what to expect during that extravaganza. Then somehow in the conversation she said something about babies, and where they come from. Granted, I figured at her age someone would have had the Birds and the Bees discussion with her, but I guess she never asked.

Anyawkwardconversation, we asked her if she knew the "process" of baby making. She asked (and I swear I'm not making this up) "Does it have to do with drinking beer?" Insert, [stiffled bursts of laughter], a [quietly uttered "well sometimes"] and [crazy glances back and forth], here. Well, no time like the present than now to have "the talk."

It went well, and she asked a lot of questions, which were answered pretty honestly. Including "how do I get boys to like me?" to which I answered "Honey, its been 32 years, and I still  have no idea."

Before I tell you my next tale of excitement, please enjoy some pictures.

marking the campsite, just in case you didn't recognize my jeep

after trying to use the coffee pot in the cigarette lighter, and thus blowing a fuse, we resorted to a more "rustic" way of making coffee

the result of flippy-floppy wear, instead hikers

So Saturday night we were playing with the fire and listening to my "VH1's 100 Greatest Rock Songs of All Time" playlist. The kids down the road (and seriously, I don't think any of them were of legal drinking age) were having a pretty serious party. We thought, eh, its Saturday night, we'll let them have their fun. Several times throughout the evening I had to turn up our music, because their much farther away, yet ridiculously loud and insane rap music was way too loud. We couldn't even hear ours over the sound of theirs.

Once it got dark, it didn't get any quieter. We were chatting and once we heard a guy yell "Hey! Don't go that way, there's a HUGE drop off over there!" Oh how I would have laughed if I had heard screams of falling and horror. Giggled like a school girl I would have. Then around midnight I distinctly heard "Hey! Who wants hamburgers!" And an enthusiastic group responded with a cheer in the affirmative. We went to bed shortly after the hamburger incident, even though the music was still pretty loud. I was really tired though from a fun filled Friday night, so I didn't think falling asleep would be too terribly difficult.

Sleep came and I was in and out for several hours. I had no idea what time it was because we had no service, so my phone had been off since Friday morning. As is my usual occourance during camping, I woke up having to pee, with a ridiculous amount of urgency. After lying there for about 10 seconds, I realized there was some extremely loud MARIACHI music coming from the partiers camp site. I got up to pee, pretty much right next to the tent because I sure as shit aren't going to stumble across the campsite for a more appropriate place. Once back in the tent I whispered to myself, Man that shit's loud! Without missing a beat my friend said, "Yeah, its fucking insane." as if she had been up for hours. When I laid down, her daughter woke up and that's when she lost it.

She looked for her shoes, and stomped out of the tent. At this point the music had turned to a solo baladier, serenading campers for at least a half mile, as it echoed across the lake. She went to her car and checked the time. "ITS FOUR-THIRTY IN THE GOD DAMN MORNING!" "Fuck!" I said, in agreement. She stomped down the road, and upon coming to their campsite she saw 4 Mexican boys (seirously, probably 18 years old) sitting around the fire. There were at least 16 cars there, and every table was covered in empty booze bottles.  


I giggle to myself in the tent  


"No! We're camping!"


"No! I don't have to do what you say!"  

She looks at him, pointing. Looks at the car. Then studies the license plate, and turns back to him, still pointing, "FINE! THIS IS ON YOU THEN!"

And she turned and stomped down the road.  About half way back to our site the music turned off. Yes! She returned to the tent enraged. Of course we could still hear them talking for another hour, but no music. I was too worried about retribution to sleep, and she was to fucking pissed off. We agreed to wake up at dawn and set off our car alarms and wake those little shits up. Finally, what must have been about 5:30 am, when the initial shock wore off, and I no longer feared of a drive-by, I fell asleep.

And yes, at 7:30, you can bet your ass, the silence of the wilderness was shattered by two car alarms going off in unison. Revenge is so sweet.

And now, more pics.

big sticks and fire!
uh oh, Spaghettio's!
little slice of heaven, in a can
 Small child camping with us was beginning to get annoying. "I'm bored. I don't want to read." So we told her to play in the woods across the street. She went across into the woods for about 15 minutes. She came up and said "Mom! I found something in the woods! Its made of wood! I says something crapper on it!"

We shot each other quizzical glances and headed across the street, camera in hand. And this my dear friends is what we found...

Disgusting isn't it folks? I swear to God this is not doctored, and is EXACTLY how we found it, TP and all! If there hadn't been poop on the ground, I probably would have fallen down laughing!

*For those of you who don't know, I guess you tip it over, and use the long sticks as handles, and use the "facilities" like a piramid. And you sit on the foil so the words become upright and readable. Don't worry, I didn't know how it worked either. Mr. Man figured it out.

You're welcome!!

Tuesday, August 17

random shizz tuesday

Serenity Now!! Insanity Later...

Telling stories for me, sometimes involves weaving an intricate web from the seemingly mundane details from my life. This is one of those stories.

My friend Leslie is getting a job in Hawaii! She just graduated with her Master's in Child Psychology (or something to that affect) from Syracuse. So, why Hawaii I asked? "Because I never want to see snow again." Pretty honest answer, especially if you've ever spent a winter in upstate New York. Anycoolnews, she wants me to come and visit!!
2003 Leslie was studying abroad in England, and I was the ONLY ONE of her friends to come and visit. Anytime someone travels/lives/visits somewhere foreign I'm always the first one on the plane. Hellooo! Free place to stay?! When can I come?! Helllllssssyyeeeeeeeahhhhhh! So obviously, we're compatable traveling buddies.(and if anyone has done any intensive traveling, you know that NOT everyone is a good traveler!!)
*End Flashback*
So she wants me to come like Sept/Oct/Novish. The best part? Alaskan Airlines has airfares from Sept 15 to Nov 15 for $160 EACH WAY!!

I'll be there faster than you can say

My mom also offered to pay for half the trip. Why? Cause she's going to Greece for a month in September, and I've been giving her grief about not letting me go with her. Its a "ladies" trip, that her and her friends have been planning for years. The only child allowed to go is fifty something years old. DAMMIT! But I'll take that $160 worth of guilt.

Also my friend Eric is moving to London in October. He's doing what I've always thought about doing. He bought a one way ticket to London. He's taking a backpack, 3 grand, and his wits and moving there. He's hoping to find a job there at a pub or restaurant or some jazz. He's going to live the ultimate travelers dream! Good luck Eric!! I'm so jealous!
There will (of course) be a trip to visit him as well! So excited for him!!

Yesterday I totally bought Golden Girls Season 6 at Target for $15!
I love you Target. And these gals. And since we don't have cable anymore, I don't have access to *whispering* "Lifetime, Television for Women" and the endless GGs reruns.
Seriously Maude, why won't you smile?
 Thank you for a being a friend, ladies.
Stay Golden.

My little hoppies are growing like crazy! I'm so excited! I think they smell so good! Just like beer! Although, Mr. Man thinks they smell like marijuana. Hmmm... where is his brain? teehee. Does anyone know of any recipes (besides brewing beer, don't worry I'll be on that too folks) that uses hops? I only found 2 recipes online that sounded good. One is for a rub for porkchops, and the other for cooking barley and quinoa with hops. Both sound good, but I'm gonna have a shit-ton of hops left over!
aren't they precious?

Keep it real folks!
I'm off to the dentist for a cleaning.
Paying OUT OF POCKET cause that's how the unemployed roll.
I figure its cheaper than getting cavities and paying for fillings. Those little fuckers are expensive!!

Monday, August 16

will & grace

The first time I met my Will I knew we'd be BFF's.

We were working together at Hollywood Video (my 4th tenure there). We had an initial introduction, but my manager quickly left and we were together for the evening. We didn't talk too much at first, just general video store chit chat.

Later in the evening, I was out on the floor straightening. Out of nowhere,  Will came running up and scared the SHIT out of me.

Will: "Hey! Do you ever wear pea coats?"

Me: "Umm, sometimes." (I thinks, where the fuck is this going?)

Will:" You should get one in Burgundy!! It would look great on you!"

And then he ran off. I was left standing there, dumbfounded. And then I thought to myself, "Hmmmm... What a weirdo! I love him!!"

Drinking before work. Oh yeah.
The first time I met my Grace we were working at that shit-tastic job of mine, at Hollywood Video. My retarded boss Travis was leaving (as usual) early, and barely said two words to either of us as he ran out the door. She said something totally bitchy about Travis and I thought, "Wow! She's so bitchy! We are sooo going to be best friends."

On our way to drink after work. Oh yeah.
And now my bestest is coming for a visit!

"Hey, lets get some Wine Coolers!!"
FINALLY!! Its been 14 months since he moved his ass to Arizona, and almost 10 months since I've seen him!!!

Yes, that is indeed a women's shirt.
He's my Will Truman and I'm his Grace Adler (literally he's in my phone as Will Truman) Me, the sassy red head (strawberry blonde, whatevs) and he, the witty and hilarious gay man (although not an attorney, he's incredibly smart)

It literally took us 37 times to get a good pic. And there's still a thumb in the shot.

And he'll be here Labor Day Weekend!!
I Can't wait!!

Saturday, August 14

i'll run away with you

Today I was angry with my life,

and angry with my boyfriend.

So I ran away to the beach with my book for the day.

Although, its hard to not think about your boyfriend when the protagonist's boyfriend in your book has the same name as your fella. (Damn you Jen Lancaster!)

Here some of the pictures of my adventure.