Thursday, December 31

Happy New Years!

Live from Mt. Bachelor!

stay safe! have fun!

Wednesday, December 30

4 wheel what?

Okay. I understand 4 low and 4 full time (basically all wheel drive, up to but no more than 55MPH).

Can anyone tell me under what conditions you use 4Part time?

I just drove over the pass and have no idea what its for... HELP!

Tuesday, December 29

mystery speaker

This was a note left in the guest bedroom after my cousin left.

He's 13.

I'm pretty sure collin is "colon".

Sunday, December 27


Ohhhh man I love the Lonely Island. They're ri-frickin-diculous!

pass the alka seltzer

Ohhhhh Holiday Insanity!!

I literally spent all day yesterday in my pajamas. ALL DAY. No shower. I rolled out of bed (off the couch as per relatives had invaded my bedroom) and after the fam left I retired to the recliner with laptop and tv at the ready for a day of nothingness. And what a successful day I had!! I ate so many left overs on a 3-4 hour intervals. I'm pretty sure I've gained 10 pounds in the last week. And now that its all over and I feel this weight of stress had been lifted only to be replaced with sort of boredom also know as reality. As Bacon is My Lover so elequently put it "that so-full-it-hurts-to-move feeling makes your depression even worse. I barely feel like moving much less putting together words into coherent thoughts for people to read." Amen sista.

But all in all we had a great holiday. My cousin brought her two kids over on Wednesday and we had lots of catching up to do, over many many bottles of wine. Everyday was greeted with a mild hangover and food to be made and then eaten and more relatives to visit. Christmas eve we had her mother over for clam chowder dinner. I thought the kids were going to get slapped for constantly nagging "can we open one present now?" "what about NOW?" "NOW!!?!" Oh to be a kid again. We let them open ONE gift on christmas eve and they spend half the day finding the perfect one to open. And of course they had to wait until after dinner.

Christmas Day was awesome, again with a mild hangover, which was easily lifted by the corking of the champange. The other two bottles flowed very quickly. Mmmmmmm. Then the rest of the gang came over, and with a house of 14 people we ate. and ate. and ate. (a ham AND a turkey AND 15 pounds of potatoes) and drank. and drank. and drank (4 bottles of champagne, 10 of wine, and a few quarts of eggnog)!!! Oh such good times! We followed dinner with rounds of board games, Apples to Apples is still my favorite ever, but we also gave Pictionary Man a whirl as well as Taboo. Man do the kids love being in charge of the buzzer for Taboo. Love it a little too much actually. Ughhhhh. I really think the highlight of the evening was how many penises were drawn on that pictionary man. How else do you draw the clue of "shaft"??

Which of course was followed up by my lovely Boxing Day activities, mentioned above.

Whew! Its nice to be back to normal, but a little sad too. Mom and I finally have the house put back together, and the silver is almost all polished and put away. Today we're going to watch It's Complicated. I love that Meryl Streep!!

Saturday, December 26

Thursday, December 24

the best way to spread christmas cheer, is singing loud for all to hear

I'm sufficiently hungover today, and yet I can't wait to make a fresh batch of eggnog!

The gifts are nestled safely under the tree, and are being eyeballed by the kids (who are not allowed to touch or shake them although several have been weighted, or marbles added to the box to throw off their sneaky snooping efforts!) Now stop reading my blog and go make some cookies, or watch A Christmas Story, or make conversation with your Uncle Bob!

Merry Christmas!

even Moto is feeling festive

Monday, December 21

a year in review, according to the "Book"

A fancy review of all my status updates from the Fb from the last year, all purdy like. There were some pretty funny ones. And a lot of depressing ones. I tried to pick the highlights for your amusement. Thanks to FaceBook for keeping such good records...

(click on the picture to see it larger)

Friday, December 18

the frugal gourmet

Ya, thats right. Thats a box of wine carcass. It has been gutted and is being squeezed to the last drop. My mom, the eternal frugal gourmet. :)

Thursday, December 17

love liberates

I'm wrap wrap wrapping my presents, listening to SNL's greatest Christmas moments, featuring "Martha Stewart's Home for the Holidays, Topless Special" giggling to myself, and I still can't get the events of this afternoon out of my head.

I was in the checkout line at Target, waiting for a financially challenged, govermentaly assisted, twenty years past over the hill lady to write her check for her 2 cases of toilet paper. After the ink finally dried and she was able to tear the check out, and exchanged it for the receipt and started to leave. The sales girl smiled and said "Merry Christmas!" and the woman said "Oh, I'm so glad you said that! Merry Christmas! None of this Happy Holidays rubbish." To which the girl replied, "Oh I don't say that. I ONLY say Merry Christmas!" (said with an overabundance of disdain).

Oh. My. God. It was all I could do to keep my mouth shut. Howwww I wanted to slap them both. Or at least unload on them. But I asked myself, "What would Jesus do?" Hahahaa, no, but really? Their conversation offended me more than any Happy Holidays could have ever offended them. Really? Are you so full of yourself, so disrespectful to others, that you're proud to be closed minded?

I'm not terribly religious. However, I do believe in a higher power, and I do believe that the teachings of Jesus are a wonderful thing. The actual teachings of Jesus. Principles such as forgiveness, caring, compassion, empathy and love. Not of superiority, exclusivity, arrogance or contempt. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm all for saying, Merry Christmas, or Happy Holidays, or Happy Kwanzaa, or Happy Hanukkah, or whatever tickles your fancy. As long as you mean it from the heart with all sincerity, it don't care what you say to me. I understand the meaning that is untended, not reading literally into your words. "Oh, she said Merry Christmas, she must mean Fuck You Jews!" Right. Does anyone actually think that? I doubt it. But again saying "Happy Holidays" doesn't mean "Suck it Jesus!" *Sigh* Am I making sense here? Just the fact that she was talking about she on purpose says "Merry Christmas" instead of anything else seemed just so rude. Why are we talking about it? Really? It seems the same to me as saying "Good Night!" or "Eat it you stupid retail whore, get out of my store, my shift is almost over, Fuck you very much for coming in 5 minutes before we closed, asshole!" Oh--sorry, 10 years of retail coming out of me.

But I digress... Why can't we just embrace the good things about each other and forget about the bad things? Why do we need to focus on our differences? You're different, you must be bad, and therefore, I will shun you and all of your beliefs. We have so much to learn about each other, I just can't wrap my head around intolerance. Its just insane!!

My favorite author Paulo Coelho said it best in his book The Fifth Mountain:
"Do you see the Mountain? From whichever side you look, it appears different, though it is the same mountain. Thus it is with all of creation: many faces of the same God."
And now, on a lighter note, my stocking stuffer recommendation for anyone on your Christmas list, for young AND old...

TALLBOYS!!! They fit so neatly into any stocking (and help fill it up so you don't have to get so much of that fattening candy. Ewwwwww. ;D

Wednesday, December 16

district 9

I just finished watching an AMAZING movie.

District 9. Seriously. Amazing. I can't get it out of my brain how great it was. It doesn't matter if you're not a sci-fi fan, or a lover of alien movies, its just A GREAT MOVIE!! WOW!! Its a fantastic commentary on compassion, or lack thereof, that is capable by we humans. It really shows the good, the bad and the ugly. But don't worry, it won't leave you feeling void of all hope (which I thought was going to happen, and in the first 15 minutes I was already rooting for the aliens to just blow up the whole Earth). But keep watching, and you will be mindblown! Good. Very very good.

Check out the trailer: District 9

Luckily I have "connections" at the video store and got to watch it today. For the rest of humanity (or those of you who actually pay money to rent your videos legitimately) it is available on Tuesday!!

Tuesday, December 15

snuggle up

Isn't she the cutest old dog around? She can barely get on the bed anymore cause her knees are so bad. I just couldn't resist snapping this picture this morning. Fast asleep at the crack of eleven thirty am!

Monday, December 14

ch- ch- ch- chia!

Item numero dos that I don't want for Christmas. President head chia pets. And only $18.95!!! What a bargain! Washington? Check. Lincoln? Check. Obama? Check. And of course lady liberty herself.

Oh-- and I walked by my not-so-dream present of the last supper. I got the price wrong. Its FOUR HUNDRED EIGHTY FUCKING DOLLARS!

run run as fast as you can..

93 cookies! 2 pounds of powdered sugar.. 4 shades of food coloring.. 2 bottles of sprinkles.. 5 mugs of eggnog with bourbon.. One glass of red wine.. One bratwust with mustard.. And a partridge in a pear tree!!

Saturday, December 12

its the gift that keeps on giving

Number one on the list of things I don't want for Christmas...

this (ever so lovely) 2x4' stained glass rendering of the last supper. For the low, low price of $480. Don't get me wrong, I do feel like a better Christian looking at it, and probably would be a better one for owning it. But I think someone else is truly deserving of this great work of *cough* art.

Do people actually buy this stuff? Wait-- No-- I take that back... of course they do. Probably the same people who buy Princess Diana memorabilia or those weird President Obama commemorative plates.

I'm thinking of buying myself a massage. Now THAT'S the gift that keeps on giving.

Friday, December 11

my unconquerable soul


Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

~William Ernest Henley
I love those last two lines. I am the master of my fate. I am the captain of my soul. Ever since I saw the Invictus Movie trailer I've been digging the poem. And the movie as well. And now of course I'm digging this:

It is numero uno on my Christmas list.

You have officially been dugged.

Thursday, December 10

outta the road junior

Maybe its just me, but I hate school zones.

Forgive me if you have children and are truly offended by these words. But I've yet to get grace this world with a mini-me, so let me rant.

How does this make sense? The entire school yard is surrounded by fencing. Chain link fencing. And sometimes theres some sort of barb wire at the top, so i'm sure these little monsters aren't getting out that easily. So whyyy is it that we have to drive TWENTY FUCKING MPH when we pass the school? Not only do they have to hop the damn fence to get into the street, but shouldn't we be, I don't know say, teaching our kids to not play in the road?

Hey tommy. Cars are fast. And heavy. You are not that fast. You will lose. Get out of the street.

Pretty simple wouldn't you say?

The thing that makes me the most irritated is when the school zone isn't ever NEAR the school. Its something like four blocks away, but heaven forbid Jr. wants to use a cross walk on the way home and if you're in the same zip code from 8am to 4pm you have to SLAM on your breaks just in case you see a youngster.

Maybe we should be weeding out the stupid and slow anyway. Perhaps deepen up the gene pool a bit? Ya, watch out, I'm gunning for your kids. OUT OF THE ROAD!! BEEP! BEEP!

And don't get me started on these signs. It literally makes me want to speed up. Literally.

baby it's cold outside

HOOOOOOOLY CRAP! 9 is a bit "chilly". seriously folks.

But why is it that all winter, my fellow Oregonians complain about the rain, and the dreary, and the cold, and the fog and the gray? Then suddenly, its 20 degrees (or tonight's low of 9) but SUNNY, BRIGHT FUCKING SUNNY and everyone complains?

My facebook today had 8 status updates regarding complaints about the weather. Now don't get me wrong. Its FUCKING COLD. However, once you get past oh say, 20 degrees it all feels the same. -5, 0, 10, 15... (back me up Christie? its what -8 in Fairbanks?) Yesterday I went to the woods to get a tree and in town it was 28, and up in the mountains it was 18. It felt the same, if not warmer in the woods. So my point is, cold is cold. But once it gets to be what I deem as OH SHIT ITS FUCKING COLD out, any colder is just over kill. (Take THAT mother nature, in yo face!)

Anyway, I like the sunshine. Keep the cold a'comin. Me Likey!

Tuesday, December 8

o tannenbaum

Sometimes I'm just lazy. L.A.Z.Y. This usually involves showertime. I'm honestly not a huge sweater (no, I don't mean the wool kind). And sometimes I just don't feel like taking a shower.

The main reason I don't want to take a shower, is because it takes "too long" in my weird opinion. I feel its just easier to get dressed, run a brush through my hair and then be on with my day. What's really funny is that I only take about 15 minutes from shower to finished. What's even funnier is, I honestly think I take LONGER to get ready when I don't shower.

Extra/fresh deoderant. Change all my clothes down to my scibbies. Brush my hair. Attempt to fix my hair from the attrocities that my sleep patterns have inflicted upon it. Lotion. Reapply makeup. I've never actually timed myself, but I just realised today I think it takes me longer. Ohhhhhhh me.

I hope you enjoyed Tuesday's Randomness.

Now onto activities!!

Today I finally decided to try to pry myself out of this anti-holiday funk I've been in. Thanksgiving is officially over, the pumpkins are starting to rot. The civil war has passed as well, which I think was a big hold-up for my Christmas Cheer delay. So today mom and I went to get our Christmas Tree.

Mom and I bundled up, since its been a balmy 25 for the last week, and for december in oregon that's FRIGGIN FREEZIN. "We were kicking off our fun old fashion family Christmas by heading out into the country in the old front-wheel drive sleigh to embrace the frosty majesty of the winter landscape and select that most important of Christmas symbols." No, not one of the stupid ties with the santa clauses on it either. A Tree.

My friend had just gone up the previous weekend and told us about a great spot off Moose Creek Drive, off logging road 720 (shout out to my Cascadia peops). Well after 2 hours of driving, we decided that one of the two hundred "cute little guys" that we had driven by would do the job just nicely, we turned around.

Mom's had some troubles with her knee lately, so I treked off up the path with my saw in hand and walked about 19 feet and cut down the first tree I saw. (patience was wearing a wee bit thin at this point). I nominated this one to be my brother's and hiked up another 10 feet and whacked down the next one. And by "whacked" I mean I sawed on that bastard for nearly twenty minutes. Once complete we strapped those bad boys on board and headed home.

And of course, the genius that I am, I was sure that the tree we picked out would be perfect. It looked like the perfect size in the woods. Next to all the other 15 foot trees. HAHAAA! So after I did a measuirng of our mere 9 ft ceilings I practiced my lumberjacking skills once again to perform major truck reduction surgery. Another 20 minutes of sawing, steadying, adjusting, tree falling, readjusting, trimming branches, readjusting, and voilĂ ! She was ready!!

The funniest part of all, was after the tree was ready and watered and lights strung, I noticed she started leaning. A little more. A little more. And a little more. Ever so subtle. Cheeky monkey.

So to fix this problem without starting entirely over, we affixed some fishing line from the tree to the buffet. How ingenious of me!

I'm like maguyver!

Saturday, December 5

at least YOU got gas!

today's blog is a tossup between an ridiculously funny story, and my 2009 Christmas Letter.
No? Why so quiet?
Okay, survey says, we'll go with the funny story.

So yesterday I go to get some gas. Pull up to the Chevron station, park, roll down the window. The guy comes up, looks a little scruffy, has some weird red stuff on his lip but I don't think much of it. I hand him my credit card, tell him to fill it. He does his thing, and hands me back my card. Its freeeeezing outside so I roll my window back up and wait. After about a minute I notice that there's no hose in my car. I'm just sitting there. I turn the key to engage the engine and my gas gauge stays at a quarter of a tank, where I was when I first rolled in.

Now I'm pretty hung over and thinking, "okaaay, no gas. weird. what's going on? where is the guy? was I declined? what's happening?"

I roll my window down and continue to look around, bewildered. Then the guy comes back and asks "What can I do for you?"


Me: I just gave you my card, you took it, and gave it back. But you didn't put any gas in.
Him: If I took your card, I know I gave it back.
Me: No, no, no that's not it. I have my card here (holding it in my hand). You just didn't put any gas in. I just need gas.
Him: Oh well I didn't take your card if you didn't get any gas
I just need you to fill it with regular (handing card over again)
Him: Okay, no problem. (comes back gives me my card, walks off)

Okay, at this point I'm totally confused, replaying the conversation in my head over and over. Then I look back to my tank, and THERE'S STILL NO FUCKING HOSE IN MY CAR.

Now I'm really starting to lose my shit. No hose. Looking for the guy. No hose. Looking for the guy. What the fu-- What is ha-- Am I insane? What-- I-- No hose-- Credit card-- No gas-- Crazy -- I-- Wha--

THENNNN he comes back! "How can I help you?"

Now I am blowing my gourd. Whaaaat is going on. Seriously. I make ANOTHER attempt at getting gas. Tell him he just helped me, and that I needed gas. I am really about to have an aneurysm. I think there's no fucking way this is happening. WHAT THE SHIT?!???!?

Again, takes card, returns card, then walks off. NO HOSE. NO GAS.

Then all of a sudden a fireman walks up to him and puts his hand on his back. This is right in front of my hood. He pats him softly and motions to his mouth. Perhaps the red stuff was blood? The EMT seems to think so. He then walks Super Joe Gas Attendant off to the hospital or the loony bin or whatever.

I am somewhat soothed by this operation and decide to get the fuck out of there. I don't know if they guy fell and hit his head, or is just crazy in general. My fragile hungover mind can't handle anymore shenanigans. I jump out hit the "cancel" button 39 times and close up my gas tank. I'll be getting my gas from elsewhere.

Tuesday, December 1

going mental

My life isn't always what I expect or want, so I have a tendency to read funny books. David Sedaris couldn't write books fast enough for me. Why can't he be more like Stephen King and crank a book out 3 times a year? Ahhhhh well.

I just finished this book and highly recommend it. I love reading how people's lives are more messed up than mine. And how they are able to laugh at it. Which helps me realize that nobody's life is all sunshine and roses, even if that's how they portray it.

Here's a couple funny tidbits from the book I wanted to share...
Irritated by my mother's ridicule,I rip open a package of Oreos that she's attempted to hide behind t he lettuce. I keep count while I eat them, and after knocking off an entire row, I don't trust myself to stop and throw t he remainder in the garbage. I even spray the leftover cookies with Lemon Pledge to avoid the temptation of retrieving them from the trash later on.

Seriously, who hasn't been there?!?

His lipless mouth, turned up at the corners, projected to the eye of the beholder either an aura of judgmental calm or of creepy mischievousness.

And my personal favorite, which rings all too true...

Part of the problem is that everyone ... wants a guy which a good sense of humor, but also wants a guy with "no emotional baggage," as if you could have one without the other. Let's be clear: if a guy's witty, he's got a Samsonite filled with issues. And i f he's a laugh riot, he's got a steamer trunk with decals of where he's been -- depression, suicide, addiction. Humor doesn't just come with baggage; its the matching cosmetics case that completes the set.

Everyone run to Borders and buy this book. It was buy one get one 50% off when I was there.

OH, and to my faithful reader(s) I've fixed the comment problem. I think you should be able to comment with no probs now.

Happy December!!