I'm proud of you, Storm Trooper

Holy crap balls, I'm alive!

I've been such a major suck on my blog of late, and yet I've been quite productive in the real worlds. I have even only been checking my facebook every 2 days or so *GASP!*

The job has been keeping me busy, and am trying to gather up some material for some tales from the work place. Mostly I'm still learning the ropes and learning the hierarchy of the restaurant biz. You know, some servers think they are so much better than we, the mere host staff, and even higher than the lowly bussers. Which I think is total bullshit. On a high note, my manager said this to me the other day, "We're working on getting you started serving, so just be patient. But I think you'd make a much better manager" To which I said, I would definitely be down with that. But anywhoodle.

My BFF came to visit me from Arizona for 2 1/2 weeks and I was literally sober for 2 whole days. TWO WHOLE DAYS in the last 17 days. I'm in a MAJOR detox right now. Well, today was actually the "hangover" period, in which I ate everything in the house for most of the day. I feel like I'm going to explode. I also napped for 4 hours. So tomorrow will begin the health cleanse. My liver will thank me for it.

Oh-- and we took pictures

the beach! still sober here..

"hurry up beer man"

"nipple"

let's just call this one "Oakshire Brewing Sample Night"

Ankle failure. Twice. Yes, we're drinking in a dugout. At 1 am.

"Portlandia"

Wenatchee

He wanted to call this one "Gaga" because 'Judas' came on for the millionth time.

Oh yeah, and his shirt says "You discussed me"

Bought at the Portland Saturday Market. Funniest shit ever.

lonelydinosaur.com

The pitcher actually had "PBR Only" written on it.
Why? Cause it taints everything it touches.

Lots of ridiculousness occurred.

'Judas' was in our heads constantly for the first week. I loves me some Gaga, but sweet Jesus, you can only sing it so many times. That and Adele's Rolling in the Deep.

Somehow we ended up watching a Real Housewives of New York City and became strangely addicted. What a SHITSHOW! Oh that Ramona... I want to kill her. And her Pinot Grigio!!! But I digress...

I also nearly broke my ankle again. Remember when I wrenched it during the Rise Against concert? Well basically it happened again. TWICE.We had spent most of the evening out drinking (surprise, surprise). The sky was perfectly clear and my friend wanted to "go look at the moon". So we picked up a six-er of tall cans of Miller Lite and headed to the park. For some reason the ball park lights were all on, at 1 am. So I proceeded to prance around the bases while holding my beer. No failure there, and actually you'd think that would have been the most likely place for ankle failure. Oh no.

We're sitting in the duggout and realized we needed to TAKE PICTURES!! So I ran off to the car to get the camera. Wait, no I froliced off. Sort of a skipping-jogging-frolicking action. The duggout is dirt, then transitions to sand, which then transitions to the grass throughout the rest of the park. Well, once I hit the sand... BAM! I ate shit. I laughed and laughed and rolled around grabbing my ankle. Biffing it is pretty funny, especially when you're wasted. But I was fine, so I made it to the car, and then headed back.

LITERALLY... in the exact same spot I ate shit. AGAIN. AGAIN!!! What the crap!? This time my stuff went flying. Camera. Beer. Keys. Hat. All strewn about. Again I was laughing so hard, but this time the tears came with it. My friends came running over and were trying to help me up asking if I was alright. (this part is hazy for me, so I'm going off what my friends relayed to me afterward) I guess I yelled "NO TALKING!!" because I was laughing so hard and it hurt SO BAD. Then they tried to help me up and I yelled "NO TOUCHING!!" At this point I was on my knees, laughing and laughing and crying and laughing, trying to figure out if I'd broken my ankle and if I could walk on it. Meanwhile my friends stood there histerically laughing at me.

I hobbled back to the duggout and managed to figure out that I didn't actually break it. I'm sure I tore some stuff up in there something fierce though, because two weeks later it still hurts. It was swollen huge for a week, and its more or less back to normal size. But it still hurts, especially in the monring when its stiff, or when I step weird.

We also went to Portland, went to a gay bar and got capital "T" Trashed, went to Powell's the world's largest used book store, to the Saturday Market. Then do the beach, and this last weekend, up to Leavenworth Washington for some awesome rafting action. We nearly froze to death, but that's a story that's really not as funny when retold, however we were crying/laughing in the back of the pickup when it was pouring POURING down rain. I just kept saying "This is a memory of a lifetime!!" I'm such a dork.

So there ya go.

I'm really going to try to update more often, at least once a week. The guilt is killing me. And I miss my bloggy buddies! I'll also admit that I haven't read ANY blogs in as much as two months. But I'm spending my cough time today catching up. I may not comment on everything I love, but I'll try to send some love your way so you know I was actually there catching up!

Peace out my homies! Miss and love you!!

i'm like martha freaking stewart over here!

Herrrrrrrowww! (in best Kim Jong Il voice)

I hope you are all enjoying what is the wettest and rainiest of springs. I can not wait until the sunshine comes!

I have so much to tell you, but honestly, I don't even know where to start, or how to make it entertaining. So for now I'll show you some crafty things I've been up to in my quest to give up laziness for lent.

I totally painted this awesome tree on a door in my hallway. Its a weird vestibule like area with 5 doors and no wall space. So since I can't hang any pictures, I painted one! This is the door that goes to the upstairs, which is shut 99% of the time. I just used cheap acrylic paint from Wal-Mart and cut a few sponges. There's 3 different colors of green and one solid brown line for the stem. I think it turned out really well! And honestly took me about 10 minutes to do.

My aunt who used to live here, was the owner of a frame shop, which is on the property. So I've been using some of the old materials and framing some pictures of my own. The frame and glass were already cut, with some stupid picture inside. I've tried to teach myself how to use the mat cutter, since there's a million sheets of mats in various colors and sizes just sitting there. Not bad if I do say so myself! Its a picture I took at a market in Florence, Italy, and is now hanging in my kitchen! YAY ME!

HELLOOOOOO DOLLAR STORE CRAFTS! I used some wood glue and chopsticks to make a trivet. Awesomeness!

It hangs on the wall when its not in use. Me likey.

HOW Effing Cute is this?!?

My secret? They're Starbucks glasses. You know, those premade frappucino things. I enjoy vanilla.

I peeled the stickers off, washed them out, and spray painted them white. Then I found some rub-on letters at the craft store and put "milk" in differing languages on them. I still want to do one that says MILCH (german) and LATTE (Italian).

They make super cute flower vases. I'm holding some (deadish) daffodils. Need to go pick some new ones!!

And a fun story for you...

I went to a concert on Monday night. It was Bad Religion and Rise Against, pretty punk/hard rock. Anyway, I was jumping around and dancing about in the mosh pit, and some guy totally knocked me down and I twisted my ankle all the hell. Nothing makes you feel old like injuring yourself in the pit. SERIOUSLY!?

Now its all bruised and swollen and pretty gross looking. I'm currently icing and elevating as I type this. But its pretty awesome gimping around work and having people ask me what happened. I can't stop myself from giggling and the ridiculousness of it.

I ooze Awesome from every pore.

I'M SORRY I CAN'T HEAR YOU

One of these days I'm going to realize the value of watching a concert from the balcony and coming home without two days of ringing ears. One of these days I'm going to realize I'm too old to go charging across the pit and fight my way through the crush to set up shop at the rail, four feet from the band. Yesterday was not that day. 

I love you Bad Religion. Thanks again for another great show! (and thanks to Ben for the great quote above, stolen from his facebook page, hahaa!)

These guys may be nearly 40, but they still know how to rock

 Photobooth at a bar after the show? 

Um... YES PLEASE!

truly truly truly OUTRAGEOUS!

Howdy Ho! This weekend was fun filled, peppered with some disappointment. Yes, my beavers were on College Game day, and were beaten by the Smurf Turf players of #3 Boise State. We put up a valiant effort, but they were just too much for us. So now we start conference play 1-2. Boo
.

The awesome part of the weekend was the, like totally rad 80's party Mr. Man and I went to Friday night. There are no words really, just some awesome pictures.

Flashdance!

Slash

Magnum P.I. with minimal chest hair

Hope you all had a great weekend!!

when beavers attack!!

Man, I'm a major fail at the last couple of Random Shit Tuesdays... And today's a wednesday and look at all these words!  But I really wanted to get out some stuff from this weekend, now that I'm a little more coherent and more energized.

Friday was super awesome, setting up camp and starting up our boozey weekend with a blast. A couple of my old friends came out for some CLC's (coors light cans) and some bonfire action.

Saturday we woke up and had a bit of a slow start (due  to the CLC's and BLC's). Luckily we didn't have a floating start time until noon-thirty. Once we got  all situated we headed to the boat ramp. Mr. Man met us down there in his kayak. The cooler was so full, we could barely put one seven pound bag of ice in there. There were nine of us on the Raft-Like-Boat, which by the way has a 700 pound capacity... whoops!! And after this weekend has earned its own "like" page on facebook.

Saturday was pretty much a huge success. We had so much fun on the river, some more than others. One friend literally couldn't get out of the water (slippery rocks and all) without help. Then refused to sit down, so it took three of us to push him into the chair. That was pretty hilarious. And he of course passed out 3 seconds later. And my Will Truman also had too much apple pie, so we played a little prank on him...

we called him whiskers for about an hour

But honestly our second float on Sunday had the best BEST story of the weekend was the beaver story. (Even better than when I was in the water, drunk, pulling the raft-like-boat along because the current was too slow, and Journey's "Dont Stop Believin' " came on the radio [water-proof shower radio, bitches!] and we all started singing along. Then I shouted "I think this one of the best moments of my life!!"  I know, right?!

Ok, back to The Beaver Story.

Floating along we saw a beaver swimming along about 20 yards off. Mr. Man was in the water for a pee-break when we spotted him. So Mr. Man decided to head on over to Old Man Beaver (that's his name now). Old Man Beaver was just chugging along going real slow.

His indian name is "Swims with Beavers"

Then Old Man beaver decided to make a left turn and started swimming right for us!! I shit you not. Closer. Closer. And closer still. We were all laughing and freaking out and then really freaking out once the beaver NEARLY FUCKING BOARDED US!! Like a foot away. I had images of him crawling aboard and causing mass carnage amongst we raft-like-boaters!! Old Man Beaver had to be blind, or deaf, or both, cause we were causing a hell of a ruckus. My roomie sort of "swooshed" him away with the oar, without hitting him in the face. He changed directions and swam ahead of us towards the other shore. Meanwhile Mr. Man is swimming after the beaver with a fucking oar!! I was freaking the fuck out. I was yelling, NO! PLEASE NO! DON'T CHASE THE BEAVER! Seriously. I was having issues. Everyone was laughing at me, cause I was freaking out. I mean, I wasn't really afraid of the beaver, I just didn't know if they're as aggressive as nutria, or rats, or whatever the fuck else is prone to attacking, biting, and giving people rabies.

So other than that, our trip was uneventful. Seriously LONG, and COLD but uneventful (we hadn't floated that trip before, so didn't know exactly how long it would take).

We had many, many, MANY awesome conversations over the weekend too, most of which I can't remember... but here's what I can remember (and yes, most of these will make no sense to those not actually involved in the conversation)

Oh, and did I mention that my friend Adri surprised me with a visit on Saturday night?! It was super awesome. And she brought an awesome present:

yeah, like we needed MORE booze. yup, we're drunks.

who wants guacamole?!

The guacamole is made with love.
Each batch has a little bit of me in it...
...beacuse I've cut myself on this stupid sharp tomato knife,
and am now bleeding...
Shhhhhhhh! :)

Was that a haiku?

master of ka-rah-te!

Indeed, I ooze awesomeness from every pore! But we all knew that, right?!

Thanks to Annabelle for this prestigious award! Thank you Thank you Thank you!! And honestly, it pretty much sums me up.
Karate? Check!
Friendship? Double check!
Make sure you check out her blog too, I'll Tell You Anyway . Go now! Go! GO!

Okay... I'm not sure how this acceptance speech is supposed to work, so I'm going to make it up as I go. Here's 5 super-duper awesome blogs  I read daily, for you to stalk enjoy as well.

Meghan @ The Perfect Compilation Tape
Sofia  @ The Brewery
She Don't Make False Claims
April @ One Blonde Girl 
and last, but definitely not least, the fabulously foul-mouthed
Ashley @ One Crazy Brunette Chick

And to double your pleasure, double your fun, I'm going to answer one of those survey thingeys my cousin sent me last week, so you can all get to know me a little better, and see how awesome I really am. *blushes with modesty*

1. Do you like Blue Cheese dressing?
hells-to-the-YES! What else would I dip my hot wings in?

2. Have you ever smoked a cigarette?
Once... I was really drunk, and thought it was weed. Like I said... I was really drunk!

3. Do you own a gun?
I'll bust a cap in your ass!! No, not so much.

4. What flavor Kool-Aid was your favorite? 
Black cherry!

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?
No! Why would I? I'm a specimen of perfect health!

6. What do you think of hot dogs?
Hot dogs not so much. Now hot and spicy sausage dogs are where its at!!

7. Favorite Christmas Movie?
Buddy the Elf, what's your favorite color?!

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
Being unemployed, I don't mind busting into a few bloody marys, or mimosas before nooner.

9. Can you do pushups?
Strong like wood!

10. What's your favorite piece of jewelry?
My gold chain given to me by my dear friend, Mr. T

11. Favorite Hobby?
drinking

12. Do you have A.D.D.? 
Of course I don't! Why woul -Oooooooooooooo look! Shiney things!!!

13. Do you wear glasses/contacts?
Do I? No. Should I? Yes!
YAY FOR NO HEALTH INSURANCE!

14. Middle name?
Elizabeth

15 What are you thinking about now?
You wear too much eye make up. My sister wears too much eye make up. People think she's a whore.

16. Name 2 or 3 drinks you regularly drink?

Beer. Coffee. Beer.

17. Current worry? 
money. always money. money and men.

18. Current hate right now?
Ill-communication. And I ain't talkin' about the Beastie Boys.

19. Favorite place to be?
anywhere with friends, causing shenanigans.

20. How did you bring in the New Year? 
With my cousin, drinking really really really really really bad champagne. All day.

21. Where would you like to go right now? 
tubing down the river, with my beer filled floating cooler in tow

22. Name two people who will complete this. 
*insert your name here*

23. Do you own slippers? 
blue old man slipper/moccasin things

24. What color shirt are you wearing? 
white. with white.

25. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? 
with my luck, I'd slide right off the damn bed.

26. Can you whistle?
Yes. Patience almost daily. God I love G n' R.

27. Where are you now? 
Earth.

28. Would you be a pirate?
But I don't want to be a pirate!!! (seinfeld anyone?)

29. What songs do you sing in the shower?
S-s-s-s-A-a-a-a-F-f-f-f-E-e-e-e-e-SAFETY-safety-DANCE-ance-ance-ance

30. Favorite Girl's Name?
Rachel

31. Favorite boy's name? 
Ross

32. What's in your pocket right now? 
Shiney-licious Raiz'n Razzle lip gloss. And silver hoop earrings.

33. Last thing that made you laugh?
i fell getting out of the car, and proceeded to laugh at myself.

34. What vehicle do you drive? 
An Eep! (the J fell off. yup. i'm ghetto like that)

35. Worst injury you've ever had? 
Never a really bad one. But I think breaking my arm while running to the dryer wins the funniest/dumbest trophy.

36. Do you love where you live?
house? no.
city? its alright.
state? yes!

37. How many TVs do you have in your home? 
One too many

does a bear shit in the woods?

I know, I know, I've been a bad blog friend this last few days. Sometimes when life feels like its going to shit, its just hard to sit down and put it into words. Or to be funny. Or to not teach idiot drivers "lessons" with my car. Bit I digress... More on that later. For now its



Its a Monday tradition over at the DDoR to sit back, relax, and take a Monday Minute. This is my first MM, so please enjoy!

1 - Ever take a shit in the woods?
Get ready for some TMI here. Its a tradition in my friend circle to have "River Parties" down at my parents house. Our property is less than a 1/4 mile from a shallow, slow moving part of the Santiam River, surrounded by lovely birch trees and the perfect spot for tubing, drinking and bonfiring. Well lets just say, that when you start drinking at noon, you may need to use the non-existent outdoor facilities at one time or another. And hypothetically speaking I may have used the non-existent facilities. Paper towels have many, many uses. The worst part is seeing it later, in the morning. Spotting the paper towels through the shrubs and hearing someone yell "Who took a dump over there?!?"

Embarrassment is so much easier to hide in the dark.

2 - If you won $1,000, what's the first thing you would do with it besides give Ian a cut?
Remember when $100 was a lot of money? Or even $500? Good Lord, now $1000 wouldn't even make a dent! *sigh* Beer money. Vacation money. Maybe pay some to my mom (whom I currently owe over $3000... Whooray for financial independence!)

3 - What's your favorite phrase?

The Inspirational ~
"Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step." (Martin Luther King Jr.)

The Amusing ~
"Boring is a choice; Mild salsa and pleated khakis don't buy themselves."

and The Ever Impressive ~
"There's no shower strong enough to wash the douche-bag from your soul."

4 - Fill in the blank - the world would be a better place if ______ left the planet.
Fear-mongering, ignorance-pandering and down right LYING politicians and "political analists" such as Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin.

5 - How do you take your coffee or tea?
I like my coffee like I like my women. Covered in bees!!

i'm such a kreativ blogger

Holy Crap! I'm amazing! Yes! Bow down to my Awesomeness!
Heather has been kind enough to not only read my blog, but give me an award for it! Whoop!!

Thank you so much little lady for the props! She's a funny, smart, kooky Washingtonian, who's been going through the trails and tribulations of her 30's, just like me. You should go read her blog, if you haven't already (which means you aren't reading my recommended blogs on the side-bar... for shame.)

So I guess there's a required "acceptance speech" for this award, which involves me talking about myself, which as we all know I absolutely HATE to do. HA! Please enjoy my 7 little unknown facts about myself, but if you know me in the non-internet-world you'll probably not be surprised...

1. I am TERRIFIED of slugs. Yeah, you read that right. Slugs. Those little slithery pieces of crap, that add no real value to the world. Uggghhh. Its definitely a phobia, the completely IRRATIONAL fear of something, but Good God I can't even look at a picture of one, let alone see one in real life. Most people think I'm joking. But let me assure you... I. AM. NOT. Pass the salt.
2. I am completely annoyed by what I call "The Dumbing Down of America." I've even thought about posting several blogs about it. When people change the spelling of words, or don't even know how to actually fucking spell them. Such as... "Kreativ Blogger"(sorry) Others than commonly make me enraged are Krispy Kreme, nite, tho, drive thru. This also includes using texting phrases in real life conversations, such as "lol" and "brb". It just makes you sound like a 13 year-old.
   
3. I am enraged when people text during movies. I don't care if your phone is on silent or vibrate I can still see that bright fucking screen... TURN THAT SHIT OFF.
   (Funny side story, Mr. Man and I went to see Alice in Wonderland and he actually told/asked/embarrassed some little asshole 13 year-old girl to stop texting and turn her phone off. SO FUNNY!)
   
4. I am totally paranoid about relationships and utterly insecure. I know, I know... I come off as so amazingly confident (can you hear my sarcasm?), but the truth is, I've had so many shitty, awful relationships that I constantly analyze and obsess about everything you do and say. Mostly in my romantic relationships, but sometimes friendships are subject to my insecurity as well.
5. Last year (March 31st to be exact) I got a DUI. Its not something I'm entirely proud of, so I've never really mentioned it to anyone. I think there's about 4 people in my life who actually know this happened; one was with me, one bailed me out, my mom and my cousin. Seriously not the highlight of my 31st year, but it was something I obviously needed to learn. I've (try not to judge too harshly here) been drinking and driving since I've been able to legally drink. Usually not drunk, but definitely a bit of buzzed driving. I know its awful, but I always found a way to justify it. Funny how the drunk mind can rationalize almost anything. Lesson learned... $3600 flushed away... moving on.
6. I like to wear headphones in my ears so I can secretly listen to people's conversations. Most people's lives are much more interesting than my own...
7. I'm pretty sure I made the biggest mistake of my life when I moved home to Oregon from New York. Yeah, quitting my job at the beginning of the worst economic downturn since the Great Depression turns out to not have been the wisest of decisions. I've pretty much been in financial ruin since then. And I haven't paid on any of my credit cards since October of 2008. I wonder why they keep calling me... can't they get a hint??!?

Taaaahh Dahhhhhh! That's me. At least a few of my many layers. Now I must give props to seven more lucky bloggers, and bestow upon them the honor of being fellow Kreativ Bloggers. I'll save you lengthy descriptions of each; Just know that they're McGriddle Pants Approved! (Trademark pending) and you should check them out. Also note, that I start reading blogs based on the awesomeness of their titles... *wink*

1. The Trailer Wife
2. Mister Peacock
3. Denise who also blogs here occasionally
4. Organic Meatbag
5. Extraneous Kickassery
6. A Cheeto Named Larry
7. Ed's Funny Pages
   

I'm also adding honorable mentions to the following, who have already won this award, but I read almost daily, so if you don't you're missing out:

• Bacon is my lover
• Waiter Rant (just read his book too, HILARIOUS!!)
• Moog over at Mental Poo
• Jelisa over at The Typing Makes Me Sound Busy
  

Now go check out their all their blogs, or I'll set myself on fire!!

adventures in the "Far East"

well dear followers, I've returned from my adventures in the "Far East" (New Hampshire). The last 10 days were great. Here's a few highlights:

• took millions of pictures
• ate shit on some icy pavement
• caught some ridiculous bronchial bug from the airplane re-circulated air
• blew my diet into a million pieces
• finished 2 books (am now in love with Chuck Klosterman)
• re-kindled old friendships
• went snowshoeing for the first time ever
• learned two new uses for a coffee pot (beer pitcher, and bloody mary pitcher)

So now, as I lay here in my NyQuil self-induced coma-like state, I'm trying to reflect on funny stories to tell you. I know there are many, and I think I'll have to regale you one at a time. I really need to start writing shit down when I think "oh this is funny, I should blog about this" and promptly forget said funny story 6.9 seconds later. My apologies my dear followers.

Please enjoy some pictures and I will attempt to organize my thoughts into coherent sentences.

funnily enough, NOT ONE of us remembers taking this picture


we had some trouble with the tap...
had to fill up anything and everything while it was flowing

mis amigos y yo


repurposing the coffee pot, part two

this is what happens when you're a spaz
spaz+ ice= bad news bears


snowshoeing with the fam in Southern Oregon


our waterlogged dock covered in snow


GORGEOUS morning on the lake
(of course the day we left)