random shizz tuesday 2011!!

I've missed you all! I swear! I'm trying to get more motivated to write witty things for you... but some days... I just got nothin. I'll work on it. I swear.

Resolutions for this year:

1. Lose weight (duh, isn't everyone doing that?!) 
2. Read all the books for my book club. Yes, I started the book club, and I've only actually finished 3 of them. (we've read about 9 now...)
3. Cut out all fast food. No, subway doesn't count, that's still okay.
4. Donate blood. I mean sweet Jesus, I don't even know what my blood type is. What if I have that rare "I could save the whole planet" rare blood. Talk about selfish!!
5. Get. A. Job. Amen!!

Pajama jeans?!  Really?! What. The. Fuck. 

Have you seen this shit? Its pure insanity. This is the end of our society. Pajamas, made to look like jeans. I'm not entirely sure how they differ from jeggings, but apparently they do. Cause they have their own informercial. Its bad enough I have to go to Target and see people in their actual pajamas, but now they'll be pretending to be "dressed" too?! Plus, like the dreaded jeggings, the only people wearing them will be big-fat-fatties.

I just watched an episode of Hoarders where the woman hoarded chickens.

FUCKING CHICKENS. Speechless.

when beavers attack!!

Man, I'm a major fail at the last couple of Random Shit Tuesdays... And today's a wednesday and look at all these words!  But I really wanted to get out some stuff from this weekend, now that I'm a little more coherent and more energized.

Friday was super awesome, setting up camp and starting up our boozey weekend with a blast. A couple of my old friends came out for some CLC's (coors light cans) and some bonfire action.

Saturday we woke up and had a bit of a slow start (due  to the CLC's and BLC's). Luckily we didn't have a floating start time until noon-thirty. Once we got  all situated we headed to the boat ramp. Mr. Man met us down there in his kayak. The cooler was so full, we could barely put one seven pound bag of ice in there. There were nine of us on the Raft-Like-Boat, which by the way has a 700 pound capacity... whoops!! And after this weekend has earned its own "like" page on facebook.

Saturday was pretty much a huge success. We had so much fun on the river, some more than others. One friend literally couldn't get out of the water (slippery rocks and all) without help. Then refused to sit down, so it took three of us to push him into the chair. That was pretty hilarious. And he of course passed out 3 seconds later. And my Will Truman also had too much apple pie, so we played a little prank on him...

we called him whiskers for about an hour

But honestly our second float on Sunday had the best BEST story of the weekend was the beaver story. (Even better than when I was in the water, drunk, pulling the raft-like-boat along because the current was too slow, and Journey's "Dont Stop Believin' " came on the radio [water-proof shower radio, bitches!] and we all started singing along. Then I shouted "I think this one of the best moments of my life!!"  I know, right?!

Ok, back to The Beaver Story.

Floating along we saw a beaver swimming along about 20 yards off. Mr. Man was in the water for a pee-break when we spotted him. So Mr. Man decided to head on over to Old Man Beaver (that's his name now). Old Man Beaver was just chugging along going real slow.

His indian name is "Swims with Beavers"

Then Old Man beaver decided to make a left turn and started swimming right for us!! I shit you not. Closer. Closer. And closer still. We were all laughing and freaking out and then really freaking out once the beaver NEARLY FUCKING BOARDED US!! Like a foot away. I had images of him crawling aboard and causing mass carnage amongst we raft-like-boaters!! Old Man Beaver had to be blind, or deaf, or both, cause we were causing a hell of a ruckus. My roomie sort of "swooshed" him away with the oar, without hitting him in the face. He changed directions and swam ahead of us towards the other shore. Meanwhile Mr. Man is swimming after the beaver with a fucking oar!! I was freaking the fuck out. I was yelling, NO! PLEASE NO! DON'T CHASE THE BEAVER! Seriously. I was having issues. Everyone was laughing at me, cause I was freaking out. I mean, I wasn't really afraid of the beaver, I just didn't know if they're as aggressive as nutria, or rats, or whatever the fuck else is prone to attacking, biting, and giving people rabies.

So other than that, our trip was uneventful. Seriously LONG, and COLD but uneventful (we hadn't floated that trip before, so didn't know exactly how long it would take).

We had many, many, MANY awesome conversations over the weekend too, most of which I can't remember... but here's what I can remember (and yes, most of these will make no sense to those not actually involved in the conversation)

Oh, and did I mention that my friend Adri surprised me with a visit on Saturday night?! It was super awesome. And she brought an awesome present:

yeah, like we needed MORE booze. yup, we're drunks.

best. movie. ever.

There are few words that can describe the movie I watched the other day. While browsing through my NetFlix online available movies, I came across this goddie in the "Gory Horror" section. At a whopping 68 minutes long, clad with what looks like an entire porn star cast (and with the expected acting skills to boot), and with its first boobie shot at exactly 0h0m into the film, is probably one of the funniest fucking movies I have ever seen.

And I've seen a LOT of movies.

The basic plot:

A homicidal turkey axes off college kids during Thanksgiving break.

I know, right?! Talk about a recipe for ultimate awesomeness!!

Let me get this out first so you understand what exactly what you are getting yourself into. This movie is stupid as hell so you need a sense of humor to enjoy it and that’s exactly what I did. It was a boring Tuesday evening so we decided "how could we not watch this movie?" and pressed play. The next thing I knew my sides were hurting from laughing so hard, and since its barely an hour long, we went to the store, bought more beer, and watched it again. 

The turkey is pretty "gangsta" for the most part, even saying "Nice tits bitch" after he offed the topless puritan in the woods after the very first Thanksgiving. Theres also another great scene when the turkey went to some chick’s house looking for her, and her Dad answers the door dressed up as a turkey for his annual costume party. They sit there at the dinner table sipping coffee while chatting and the turkey has on these black Groucho Marx eyeglasses. Finally the turkey has had it and adds daddy to the victims list. I mean, really? HAHAA!

However I have to say that my favorite scene during the movie is when the turkey is hitchhiking and an unsuspecting driver picks him up.

seriously?

Then the driver opens the door and asks "Gas, Grass, or Ass?" The turkey basically implys he has no cash or weed, so he'll be providing sexual services to the driver, how I have no idea. The driver unzips his pants, like he's excited (?) to get head from a turkey. [Think it couldn't get any worse? Oh no, the scene goes on.] It is at this point that the turkey pulls out a shotgun (riiiight) from under his feathers and sticks it in the guys face, and then, fingerless as he may be, manages to pull the trigger and shoot the guy in the face. Oh yeah, then he steals his car and drives off.

Seriously.

No. I mean seriously.

no, seriously!

I must insist that you all watch it immediately, or buy it from Amazon.com. I guess the unrated one is 1h26 minutes, so somehow they squeak out an twenty minutes of deleted scenes.

I'm ordering my copy right now!

so, they're all dead? WTF

Its Monday, and I'm not doing much besides laundry, trying to find motivation to go to the gym, catching up on my blog reading, unpacking, and still trying to figure out WTF happened on Lost.

*sigh*

I don't want to talk about it.

Other than that, I don't have too much to say, other than I've done a little work on my blog today, but not much work on a post.

I'm toying around with buttons for
Wordless Wednesday,
but couldn't decide on one...

I'd love your thoughts...

And a new signature. I feel so official!!
Hasta!

loves me a questionnaire

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mom to the rescue

There's a mother fucking snake in my house!!
Not on the plane! IN MY HOUSE!!
I am sick and tired of all these mother fucking snakes in my mother fucking house!!

10:37 AM
me: THERE IS A FUCKING SNAKE IN MY KITCHEN!

10:43 AM Denise: OMG.

OMG

HMM. stand up on something?

me: Its under the stove

Denise: well, stop typing

me: scared the SHIT out of me

im watching the stove

Denise: i cant even imagine.

me: its in there

i called my landlord

Denise: oh good

me: she's like "oh its harmless"

"it'll leave"

Denise: LOL

me: i'm like I WANT IT OUT NOW

she's like "oh i dont know what i can do"

are you fucking shitting me?!?

Denise: key is to find out where it came from so you can patch that whole

call pest control?

me: i was like how the fuck did it get in here?

Denise: a whole

me: i live in the country, they're everywhere

Denise: a vent

me: OUTSIDE everywhere

Denise: my sister had one a few years ago in NC

10:45 AM me: ive never had one in my house before

Denise: came in throguh the stove vent

me: wow

fucking nuts

Denise: or air conditiong - i dont remember

me: i just talked to my friend about living with her this morning too

NOW I HAVE A REASON TO LEAVE

there's a snake in my apartment!!!!!

i have to move.

Denise: good thing it is still early so you dont have to sleep with it.

me: NO SHIT

i wouldn't sleep

10:46 AM Denise: roommate might be nice.

10:47 AM me: i can't believe my landlord isn't even going to come over and help

she was like "you sound upset"

i was like OBVIOUSLY

10:48 AM Denise: LMAO. sorry, i cant believe she would react like that.

me: yeah

Denise: i didnt sleep in my apt for days when i found a HUGE FURRY CATEPILLLER (10 years ago)

me: hahahahaa

Denise: it was HUGE, and maybe it wasnt a catepiller. idk

10:49 AM i would call pest control

they can bait it out or move the stove out or soemthing. then give the LL your bill

10:51 AM me: its coming out

i opened the door

Denise: oh smart. good thinking.

10:57 AM Denise: did it go out????

me: no, back under the stove

fuck. fuck. fuck

11:33 AM me: my mom's coming over

11:34 AM Denise: oh nice. smart, she will know what to do



epilogue:
Mom came over, and we COULDN'T FIND IT! Good Lord. We searched around, found a gap under the cabinets, that he probably got out, near the pipe for the sink. I hope he has a good life.
just NOT IN MY FUCKING HOUSE!

twitter and life without parole

what the shit?

First of all... I signed up for Twitter. *ughhhhh* After months (years?) of talking crap about it, I finally caved. I feel like one of those people who is just now signing up for Facebook. Whatever, don't judge me. Its purely for blogging purposes! So now, go follow me, cause I'm funny.

Secondly, let me freak out about this. Summary; An eleven year-old (now 12) boy is being tried as AN ADULT for the shooting of his dad's pregnant fiance.

Yes, I think this kid has some serious issues, and there has been some parenting completely gone wrong in this story. But an adult?! Really?! This kids life is now over because of one mistake he made. I know, murder is a HUGE DEAL, but he's only fucking eleven!!

I know Dave Chappelle has talked about this before too... but I'm going to say it again. A 15 year-old girl wasn't "mature enough" to consent to being peed on by R. Kelly. A 17 year old-girl isn't "mature enough" to consent to having sex with her 18 year-old boyfriend. And yet, this 11 year-old is old enough to comprehend the complexities of committing murder? How does this make sense? Its just an INSANE double standard.

I'm not saying I have all the answers, but it just seems WRONG to end this child's life. PRISON. WITHOUT THE POSSIBILITY of parole. Ever? He'll be 40 and not even have a chance at life? 50? I mean, I know that probably he will get paroled, considering the immense overcrowding in the prisons (probably because we're trying 11 year-old's as adults) but, *sigh* anyway...

What. The. Fuck.