After having worked at a video store for more than 10+ years, I believe I have what it takes to weed out a bad movie. I can beat all my friends at SceneIt! I can usually spot the good ones and the bad ones instantly, sometimes just from the poster. However sometimes even my own movie taste gets shanked. Hard. A few examples from last year alone were The Other Guys, Couples Retreat, Funny People, The Box, Skyline, Copout...
As you can see its possible for these producers to fool and reel in even the most critical of all movie-goers. However, I'm still surprised at how some people think "That's gonna be so gooooood!" and I just shake my head. Follow these easy steps and you too can save your hard earned cash, or precious time, for a good movie
Avoid PG-13 rated Action or Horror. Seriously. I learned this trick from my brother. No blood? No swearing? No violence? Call me old-fashioned, but I need a couple of well placed "FUCK!"s in my movies. Think Traitor, Armageddon, or Drag Me To Hell. All of these could have been much better given an 'R' rating. Plus there'll be fewer annoying teenagers at the theater with you, talking, texting, seat hopping, and being... well... teenagers. **Please note: this rule does not necessarily apply to comedies Sci-Fi of suspense type movies.**
Sequels in which none of the original characters return. This seems so obvious to me, but again, some people are fooled. There's a reason those actors aren't coming back. Cause the new script sucks. ie. Fast & Furious: Tokyo Drift.
Sequels where there are no unanswered questions from the first movie (or two). ie. Little Fockers.
Anything straight to video, with the exception of Indie films. These are usually not straight to video, but unless you live in New York, LA or Chicago, you may have missed their theatrical release. Its usually best to go off of recommendations for indie flicks though. Cause there's a lot of shit running around on the IFC channel.
Anything that sounds vaguely similar, or even with the exact same name as something coming out in the theater. When I was working at the video store this crap happened ALL. THE. TIME. Don't be fooled by movies like this...
Avoid any movie coming out in January or February. Don't believe me? Go ahead and watch No Strings Attached, The Rite, or The Eagle and tell me I'm wrong. If it were any good, studios would have rushed this movie out for the Christmas movie rush, and to make them eligible for the 2010 Oscars.
If you've seen the trailer 398 times and its still a month away from release. I'm looking right at you Green Hornet. There is a small chance that the producers are really proud of their cinematic piece of work. But more than likely they're trying to make up for the fact that its getting crap reviews.
Finally, check Rotten Tomatoes. I love this site because they take ALL reviews and average them. They're almost always right on. I meant they rated Season of the Witch (another January release, the alarms should already be ringing in your head) 5%.
Have fun, keep expectations low (then you're never disappointed) and see you at the movies!!
Hey! I know that posting videos is a pretty lame way of keeping "up to date" on a blog. However -- I literally just can't stop listening to this!!! The last 132 views are mine. Andy Sandberg is hubba hubba!! I love The Lonely Island!!
oh yeah... that's Jessica Alba... and Blake Lively.
"So this one's dedicated to them girls
who let us flop around on top of them!!"
Yup... That's us ladies. You know we let them flop all over us. And back again. And we love it. Dammit!
As someone who has to participate in 3 (THREE!) White Elephant exchanges this year (not to mention the 2 "regular" gift exchanges) I was in need of some brilliant inspiration. Unlike some of my friends, I don't have a bevey previous years white elephant gifts to reuse. My friend has a "gorgeous" koi sculpture, that would be... a... centerpiece? ... kitchey bookend?... uhhhh... no idea. So needless to say its been the subject of regifting in her office for the last 6 years.
But for me, I want something awesome... and awful. But not like smelly gym socks awful, but "ohhhhhh my God where the HELL did you find THIS?! awful. After some careful research, this is what I've found, and want to pass the inspiration on to you dear friends :)
Best White Elephant Gifts:
1. Hubcaps for a car no one owns
2. Spam Preferrably a giant Costco or Sam's Club size
3. Fake chest hair 4. Toilet seat
Tell me this isn't AWESOME!?!
5. The Clapper
6. Edible underwear
7. Old bowling pin
(most bowling alley's will sell old ones for $2-5)
8. A six-pack of really cheap beer.
9. A tourism guide book to Detroit
Or other comparable, un-touristy place
10. Wasabi Lip Balm
www.perpetualkid.com/wasabi-lip-balm
11. Dirt Scented Purfume
12. An Old Calendar
Believe it or not, you can reuse them! Google "when my 1998 calendar be good again" and you can find out that its good again in 2036!!
Sneezing from the pollen,
The chain caught my shoestring,
Hit the center bar on my bicycle,
And almost lost my bearings.
I love Summer,
Good Old Summer time,
I've got sunburn on the soles of my feet,
Lotta sand where the sun don't shine.
Sunburned at the Beach,
In pain the whole darn night,
so much skin peeled of my back,
you could make set a Samsonite.
I love Summer,
Good Old Summer time,
I've got sunburn on the soles of my feet,
Lotta sand where the sun don't shine.
Puttin on a cold wet bathing suit,
Mosquitoes, Bees, and Tetanus shots in the derrière,
Something crawling in the foot of my sleeping bag,
Flaming marshmallows in my hair
Drop N' Roll.
Caught a baseball with my face,
Potato salad in the sun,
Salmonella steps up to the plate Listeria get the run.
I love Summer,
Good Old Summer time,
I've sun burn in the back of my throat,
And sand behind my eye.
I know, I know, I've been a bad blog friend this last few days. Sometimes when life feels like its going to shit, its just hard to sit down and put it into words. Or to be funny. Or to not teach idiot drivers "lessons" with my car. Bit I digress... More on that later. For now its
Its a Monday tradition over at the DDoR to sit back, relax, and take a Monday Minute. This is my first MM, so please enjoy!
1 - Ever take a shit in the woods? Get ready for some TMI here. Its a tradition in my friend circle to have "River Parties" down at my parents house. Our property is less than a 1/4 mile from a shallow, slow moving part of the Santiam River, surrounded by lovely birch trees and the perfect spot for tubing, drinking and bonfiring. Well lets just say, that when you start drinking at noon, you may need to use the non-existent outdoor facilities at one time or another. And hypothetically speaking I may have used the non-existent facilities. Paper towels have many, many uses. The worst part is seeing it later, in the morning. Spotting the paper towels through the shrubs and hearing someone yell "Who took a dump over there?!?"
Embarrassment is so much easier to hide in the dark.
2 - If you won $1,000, what's the first thing you would do with it besides give Ian a cut? Remember when $100 was a lot of money? Or even $500? Good Lord, now $1000 wouldn't even make a dent! *sigh* Beer money. Vacation money. Maybe pay some to my mom (whom I currently owe over $3000... Whooray for financial independence!)
3 - What's your favorite phrase?
The Inspirational ~ "Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step." (Martin Luther King Jr.)
The Amusing ~ "Boring is a choice; Mild salsa and pleated khakis don't buy themselves."
and The Ever Impressive ~ "There's no shower strong enough to wash the douche-bag from your soul."
4 - Fill in the blank - the world would be a better place if ______ left the planet. Fear-mongering, ignorance-pandering and down right LYING politicians and "political analists" such as Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin.
5 - How do you take your coffee or tea? I like my coffee like I like my women. Covered in bees!!
Please read, and commit to memory, THE Drinking Rules. Remember these.
1. If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably during happy hour.
2. Always toast before doing a shot.
3. Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer a toast.
4. Change your toast at least once a month.
5. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.
6. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.
7. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.
8. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-
dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails.
9. Get the bartender's attention with eye contact and a smile.
10. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.
11. Unacceptable things to say after doing a shot: Great, now I'm going to get drunk. I hate shots. It's coming back up.
12. Never, ever tell a bartender he made your drink too strong.
13. If he makes it too weak, order a double next time. He'll get the message.
14. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.
15. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.
16. If she buys you a drink, she likes you.
17. If someone offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade your liquor preference.
18. Always have a corkscrew in your house.
19. If you don't have a corkscrew, push the cork down into the bottle with a pen.
20. Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever be known as the guy who drinks girly drinks.
21. Our parents were better drinkers than we are.
22. Never talk to someone in the restroom unless you're doing the same thing—urinating, waiting in line or washing your hands.
23. Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the bathroom. Men do not.
24. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence.
25. It is only permissible to shout 'woo-hoo!' if you are doing a shot with four or more people.
26. If there is a DJ, you can request a song only once per night. If he doesn't play it within half an hour, do not approach him again. If he does play it, do not approach him again.
27. Learn how to make a rose out of a bar napkin. You'll be surprised how well it works.
28. If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to drink in a bar. Go to the liquor store.
29. If you owe someone twenty dollars or less, you may pay them back in beer.
30. Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink.
31. If you have been roommates with someone more than six months, you may drink all their beer, even if it's hidden, as long as you leave them one.
32. You can have a shot of their hard liquor only if the cap has been cracked and the bottle goes for less than $25.
33. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.
34. If you bring Old Milwaukee to a party, you must drink at least two cans before you start drinking the imported beer in the fridge.
35. Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it was all good times every jackass would be doing it.
36. If you ever feel depressed, get out a bartender's guide and browse through all the drinks you've never tried.
37. Try one new drink each week.
38. If you are the bar's sole customer, you are obliged to make small talk with the bartender until he stops acknowledging you. Then you're off the hook. The same goes for him.
39. Never tip with coins that have touched you. If your change is $1.50, you can tell the barmaid to keep the change, but once she has handed it to you, you cannot give it back. To a bartender or cocktail waitress, small change has no value.
40. If you have ever told a bartender, "Hey, it all spends the same," then you are a cheap ass.
41. Anyone on stage or behind a bar is fifty percent better looking.
42. You can tell how hard a drinker someone is by how close they keep their drink to their mouth.
43. A bar is a college, not a nursery. If you spill a beer, clean it up. If you break a glass, wait for a staff member to clean it up, then blame it on someone else.
44. Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say it.
45.It's okay to drink alone.
46. After three drinks, you will forget a woman's name two seconds after she tells you. The rest of the night you will call her "baby" or "darling".
47. Nothing screams 'nancy boy' louder than swirling an oversized brandy snifter.
48. Men don't drink from straws. Unless you're doing a Mind or Face Eraser.
49. If you do a shot, finish it. If you don't plan to finish it, don't accept it.
50. Never brood in a dance bar. Never dance in a dive bar.
51. Never play more than three songs by the same artist in a row.
52. Your songs will come on as you're leaving the bar.
53. Never yell out jukebox selections to someone you don't know.
54. Never lie in a bar. You may, however, grossly exaggerate and lean.
55. If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.
56. Screaming, "Someone buy me a drink!" has never worked.
57. For every drink, there is a five percent better chance you will get in a fight. There is also a three percent better chance you will lose the fight.
58. Fighting an extremely drunk person when you are sober is hilarious.
59. If you are broke and a friend is "sporting you", you must laugh at all his jokes and play wingman when he makes his move.
60. If you are broke and a friend is "making sport of you", you may steal any drink he leaves unattended.
61. Never rest your head on a table or bar top. It is the equivalent of voluntarily putting your head on a chopping block.
62. If you are trading rounds with a friend and he asks if you're ready for another, always say yes. Once you fall out of sync you will end up buying more drinks than him.
63. If you're going to hit on a member of the bar staff, make sure you tip well before and after, regardless of her response.
64. The people with the most money are rarely the best tippers.
65. Before you die, single-handedly make one decent martini.
66. Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, "I'm an idiot."
67. Never ask a bartender "what's good tonight?" They do not fly in the scotch fresh from the coast every morning.
68. If there is a line for drinks, get your goddamn drink and step the hell away from the bar.
69. If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.
70. The patrons at your local bar are your extended family, your fathers and mothers, your brothers and sisters. Except you get to sleep with these sisters. And if you're really drunk, the mothers.
71. It's acceptable, traditional in fact, to disappear during a night of hard drinking. You will appear mysterious and your friends will understand. If they even notice.
72. Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you're hammered and they're sober. It's akin to a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time you're wrong and either way you're going to come off as a jackass.
73. If you bring booze to a party, you must drink it or leave it.
74. If you hesitate more than three seconds after the bartender looks at you, you do not deserve a drink.
75. Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic, tequila makes you felonious.
76. The greatest thing a drunkard can do is buy a round of drinks for a packed bar.
77. Never preface a conversation with a bartender with "I know this is going to be a hassle, but . . ."
78. When you're in a bar and drunk, your boss is just another guy begging for a fat lip. Unless he's buying.
79. If you are 86'd, do not return for at least three months. To come back sooner makes it appear no other bar wants you.
80. Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has the right of way.
81. If you're going to drink on the job, drink vodka. It's the no-tell liquor.
82. There's nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if you're supposed to be at work.
83. The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call.
84. A flask engraved with a personal message is one of the best gifts you can ever give. And make sure there's something in it.
85. On the intimacy scale, sharing a quiet drink is between a handshake and a kiss.
86. You will forget every one of these rules by your fifth drink.
Ya... that's right... its 10am and I'm drinking already. Cheers, and Happy Friday my dear readers!
HOOOOOOOLY CRAP! 9 is a bit "chilly". seriously folks.
But why is it that all winter, my fellow Oregonians complain about the rain, and the dreary, and the cold, and the fog and the gray? Then suddenly, its 20 degrees (or tonight's low of 9) but SUNNY, BRIGHT FUCKING SUNNY and everyone complains?
My facebook today had 8 status updates regarding complaints about the weather. Now don't get me wrong. Its FUCKING COLD. However, once you get past oh say, 20 degrees it all feels the same. -5, 0, 10, 15... (back me up Christie? its what -8 in Fairbanks?) Yesterday I went to the woods to get a tree and in town it was 28, and up in the mountains it was 18. It felt the same, if not warmer in the woods. So my point is, cold is cold. But once it gets to be what I deem as OH SHIT ITS FUCKING COLD out, any colder is just over kill. (Take THAT mother nature, in yo face!)
Anyway, I like the sunshine. Keep the cold a'comin. Me Likey!
