Saturday, January 22

shitty movies, and how to avoid them

After having worked at a video store for more than 10+ years, I believe I have what it takes to weed out a bad movie. I can beat all my friends at SceneIt! I can usually spot the good ones and the bad ones instantly, sometimes just from the poster. However sometimes even my own movie taste gets shanked. Hard. A few examples from last year alone were The Other Guys, Couples Retreat, Funny People, The Box, Skyline, Copout...

As you can see its possible for these producers to fool and reel in even the most critical of all movie-goers. However, I'm still surprised at how some people think "That's gonna be so gooooood!"  and I just shake my head. Follow these easy steps and you too can save your hard earned cash, or precious time, for a good movie
  1. Avoid PG-13 rated Action or Horror. Seriously. I learned this trick from my brother. No blood? No swearing? No violence? Call me old-fashioned, but I need a couple of well placed "FUCK!"s in my movies. Think Traitor, Armageddon, or Drag Me To Hell. All of these could have been much better given an 'R' rating. Plus there'll be fewer annoying teenagers at the theater with you, talking, texting, seat hopping, and being... well... teenagers. **Please note: this rule does not necessarily apply to comedies Sci-Fi of suspense type movies.**
  2. Sequels in which none of the original characters return. This seems so obvious to me, but again, some people are fooled. There's a reason those actors aren't coming back. Cause the new script sucks. ie. Fast & Furious: Tokyo Drift.
  3. Sequels where there are no unanswered questions from the first movie (or two). ie. Little Fockers.
  4. Anything straight to video, with the exception of Indie films. These are usually not straight to video, but unless you live in New York, LA or Chicago, you may have missed their theatrical release. Its usually best to go off of recommendations for indie flicks though. Cause there's a lot of shit running around on the IFC channel.
  5. Anything that sounds vaguely similar, or even with the exact same name as something coming out in the theater. When I was working at the video store this crap happened ALL. THE. TIME. Don't be fooled by movies like this...
    No Jake Busey was NOT in the Tom Cruise version
    ... and...
    Look kids! Transformers is out! Or is it?
    The World's Dumbest Man did a whole blog on crap like this.
  6. Avoid any movie coming out in January or February. Don't believe me? Go ahead and watch No Strings Attached, The Rite, or The Eagle and tell me I'm wrong. If it were any good, studios would have rushed this movie out for the Christmas movie rush, and to make them eligible for the 2010 Oscars.
  7. If you've seen the trailer 398 times and its still a month away from release. I'm looking right at you Green Hornet. There is a small chance that the producers are really proud of their cinematic piece of work. But more than likely they're trying to make up for the fact that its getting crap reviews.
  8. Finally, check Rotten Tomatoes. I love this site because they take ALL reviews and average them. They're almost always right on. I meant they rated Season of the Witch (another January release, the alarms should already be ringing in your head) 5%.
Have fun, keep expectations low (then you're never disappointed) and see you at the movies!!

      8 comments:

      Doreen McGettigan said...

      Very funny stuff! I am going to come back and check with you before I watch anything!

      http://www.doreenmcgettigan.com

      Lisa said...

      Thanks for the tips-with next to zero time off, it really pisses me off when we go see a movie and it sucks!

      Kaleena J. said...

      Haha you nailed it! Thank you for all the tips.

      Paul said...

      ha I agree with you on "Little Fockers" , they're definitely trying to milk us with that franchise...

      -Paul

      www.mostlygrocery.com

      Jeff said...

      I always check out the non-traditional places for my reviews of a movie.

      That Ain't Kosher said...

      Oh my God, DEAD ON. This is why I am so happy that you're reviewing on my site.

      Meghan said...

      Amen! These are such great tips. I'm with you - a well placed vulgar word can make all of the difference:)

      The Tame One said...

      I'm pretty sure that anything that won huge awards is going to suck. Except this award which is HUGE and you have won because you do NOT suck.
      http://thetameone.blogspot.com