Tuesday, August 24

i love camping! *or* its 430 am... why does it sound like i'm in a mexican restaurant?!

Holy shit balls. Sorry I've been MIA for nearly a week. I just got back from a fun filled weekend of camping and have I got some crazy shit to share.

AWESOME NUMBER ONE:
Our first evening (after 4 beers or so) had us discussing the new year of middle-schooldom with my friend's daughter, E (no, not ecstacy you dorks, its an initial, cause she's ten, and there's lots of pervy stalkers out there in cyperspace, moving on.) She had lots of random questions, including some that involved her very first "monthly visitor" and what to expect during that extravaganza. Then somehow in the conversation she said something about babies, and where they come from. Granted, I figured at her age someone would have had the Birds and the Bees discussion with her, but I guess she never asked.

Anyawkwardconversation, we asked her if she knew the "process" of baby making. She asked (and I swear I'm not making this up) "Does it have to do with drinking beer?" Insert, [stiffled bursts of laughter], a [quietly uttered "well sometimes"] and [crazy glances back and forth], here. Well, no time like the present than now to have "the talk."

It went well, and she asked a lot of questions, which were answered pretty honestly. Including "how do I get boys to like me?" to which I answered "Honey, its been 32 years, and I still  have no idea."

Before I tell you my next tale of excitement, please enjoy some pictures.

marking the campsite, just in case you didn't recognize my jeep

after trying to use the coffee pot in the cigarette lighter, and thus blowing a fuse, we resorted to a more "rustic" way of making coffee

the result of flippy-floppy wear, instead hikers

AWESOME NUMBER TWO:
So Saturday night we were playing with the fire and listening to my "VH1's 100 Greatest Rock Songs of All Time" playlist. The kids down the road (and seriously, I don't think any of them were of legal drinking age) were having a pretty serious party. We thought, eh, its Saturday night, we'll let them have their fun. Several times throughout the evening I had to turn up our music, because their much farther away, yet ridiculously loud and insane rap music was way too loud. We couldn't even hear ours over the sound of theirs.

Once it got dark, it didn't get any quieter. We were chatting and once we heard a guy yell "Hey! Don't go that way, there's a HUGE drop off over there!" Oh how I would have laughed if I had heard screams of falling and horror. Giggled like a school girl I would have. Then around midnight I distinctly heard "Hey! Who wants hamburgers!" And an enthusiastic group responded with a cheer in the affirmative. We went to bed shortly after the hamburger incident, even though the music was still pretty loud. I was really tired though from a fun filled Friday night, so I didn't think falling asleep would be too terribly difficult.

Sleep came and I was in and out for several hours. I had no idea what time it was because we had no service, so my phone had been off since Friday morning. As is my usual occourance during camping, I woke up having to pee, with a ridiculous amount of urgency. After lying there for about 10 seconds, I realized there was some extremely loud MARIACHI music coming from the partiers camp site. I got up to pee, pretty much right next to the tent because I sure as shit aren't going to stumble across the campsite for a more appropriate place. Once back in the tent I whispered to myself, Man that shit's loud! Without missing a beat my friend said, "Yeah, its fucking insane." as if she had been up for hours. When I laid down, her daughter woke up and that's when she lost it.

She looked for her shoes, and stomped out of the tent. At this point the music had turned to a solo baladier, serenading campers for at least a half mile, as it echoed across the lake. She went to her car and checked the time. "ITS FOUR-THIRTY IN THE GOD DAMN MORNING!" "Fuck!" I said, in agreement. She stomped down the road, and upon coming to their campsite she saw 4 Mexican boys (seirously, probably 18 years old) sitting around the fire. There were at least 16 cars there, and every table was covered in empty booze bottles.  

"ALRIGHT!"

I giggle to myself in the tent  

"ITS 430 IN THE FUCKING MORNING!!! ITS TIME TO FUCKING TURN THAT SHIT OFF!"

"No! We're camping!"

"THIS IS FUCKING UNACCEPTABLE! ITS TIME TO GO TO BED AND SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

"No! I don't have to do what you say!"  

She looks at him, pointing. Looks at the car. Then studies the license plate, and turns back to him, still pointing, "FINE! THIS IS ON YOU THEN!"

And she turned and stomped down the road.  About half way back to our site the music turned off. Yes! She returned to the tent enraged. Of course we could still hear them talking for another hour, but no music. I was too worried about retribution to sleep, and she was to fucking pissed off. We agreed to wake up at dawn and set off our car alarms and wake those little shits up. Finally, what must have been about 5:30 am, when the initial shock wore off, and I no longer feared of a drive-by, I fell asleep.

And yes, at 7:30, you can bet your ass, the silence of the wilderness was shattered by two car alarms going off in unison. Revenge is so sweet.

And now, more pics.

big sticks and fire!
uh oh, Spaghettio's!
little slice of heaven, in a can
 and now... AWESOME TO THE TENTH DEGREE: 
 Small child camping with us was beginning to get annoying. "I'm bored. I don't want to read." So we told her to play in the woods across the street. She went across into the woods for about 15 minutes. She came up and said "Mom! I found something in the woods! Its made of wood! I says something crapper on it!"

We shot each other quizzical glances and headed across the street, camera in hand. And this my dear friends is what we found...

The CAMPER CRAPPER 3000
Disgusting isn't it folks? I swear to God this is not doctored, and is EXACTLY how we found it, TP and all! If there hadn't been poop on the ground, I probably would have fallen down laughing!

*For those of you who don't know, I guess you tip it over, and use the long sticks as handles, and use the "facilities" like a piramid. And you sit on the foil so the words become upright and readable. Don't worry, I didn't know how it worked either. Mr. Man figured it out.

You're welcome!!

11 comments:

Wildology said...

Total complete awesomeness. No one could make this shit up:)!!

The Wolf said...

Sounds like a great trip. Does making babies involve drinking beer, that cracked me up.

Dazee Dreamer said...

that crapper thing, yikes.

glad you woke those idiots up!!!

That Ain't Kosher said...

First of all, I fucking LOVE Spaghettio's, and now I have a craving for them. To the the grocery store!!!

Second- it's pretty disturbing that a ten-year-old already knows that sex is better if there's beer involved. What else do kids know that we don't tell them?

Crazy Brunette said...

Oh I totally missed you bitch face!!! And your camping ass!!!

Ashton King said...

This was awesome. My coworkers looked at me like I was crazy while I almost fell out of my chair laughing.

Salt said...

Welcome back, happy camper! I love your stories and that makeshift crapper is SO GROSS. Bury your damn toilet paper, people! Gahhhhh!!!

Stacie's Madness said...

ah yes. camping is awesome.

Professor Chaos said...

Damn, that must've felt good! The car alarms, I mean. Not the crapper.

"Seattle" Heather said...

This post has me laughing so hard im in tears and it's 5am! Especially the car alarm part! I want to go camping with you guys! LMAO!

Erin said...

I have totally never understood listening to music while camping. I mean, aren't we supposed to be communing with nature and shit?