Monday, August 2

do you want fries with that?

Today has been spent revamping my resume, and looking for jobs to apply for online. I have to say that looking for work is almost as harder than having a job. Seriously. I have to have a different resume for almost every job I apply for. Switching around jobs, qualifications and skills for each application. *sigh*

So yesterday I applied for a new job and it had one of those "screening tests" where in which you answer around 100 random questions about yourself in which you must lie your pants off because if you were to answer truthfully, you'd never in a million years, get an interview.

Answer: I never get agitated, or hold a grudge.
Truth: I am touchy about a lot of things.Get the fuck away from me.

Answer: I've never lost my temper.
Truth: Well, not today... yet.

Answer: I have never said something that I later regretted.
Truth: Hello? Have we met?

But this test/questionnaire took the cake. I don't know what kind of employees they've had in the past, but I'm thinking that drugs may be an issue. Granted this was for a large Hippie Market chain, in which I'm sure many employees are pot smoking college students. However, this seemed like a bit much:. These are actual questions that I answered. NONE have been duplicated, although it seems very repetitive. These are all questions that you say "Strongly agree" or "Slightly agree" or "Slightly Disagree" or "Strongly Disagree"

  • Companies make too big a deal out of employees using illegal drugs on the job.
  • There is never a good reason to use illegal drugs while at work.
  • Pre-employment drug testing is an invasion of a person's privacy.
  • Using illegal drugs on the job is just plain wrong.
  • It is okay to use illegal drugs on the job as long as it does not become a habit.
  • It is okay to give or sell illegal drugs to your co-workers as long as it isn't taken to the extreme. Using illegal drugs on the job is not justification for termination.
  • Giving illegal drugs to your co-workers is not as bad as selling illegal drugs to them.
  • It is okay to use illegal drugs on the job as long as it doesn't cause safety problems.
  • If you have a good reason, it is okay to use illegal drugs while at work.

And that's not all! Here are the theft questions:

  • If you are working in a store, it is all right to take merchandise as long as you intend to pay for it later.
  • In some instances there are good reasons for stealing.
  • People who steal from their employer are just plain dishonest.
  • When I hear a person who claims they have never stolen anything, I don't believe them
  • It is only fair to steal from your employer to make up for low wages.
  • Stealing equipment, supplies and merchandise from your company is not the same as stealing money
  • There is never a good reason to take something that doesn’t belong to you.
  • It is not the same to steal something that is insured rather than something that is not insured.
  • There is never a good reason to steal anything from your company.
Like seriously, do I even want to work there? Yowza!! I think I may needs to get some reinforcements... or some alcohol...

So for today, I've given up and am watching Mama Mia! again... I love The Streep!!


That Ain't Kosher said...

I seriously was just going to post about this but was distracted by Shark Week. I just had to do one of these too, and my favorite was "All people are inherently good." HAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, were you serious?

MrsCaptKerk said...

That's hilarious!

I also hate looking for a job. I was on the hunt for about a year. I was a major stockholder of resume paper. It suuuuucked. Good luck, though :)

Professor Chaos said...

I've heard that those tests are designed to screen out people wo are too dumb to lie.

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

I've been in love with Meryl since I first saw her in the late 1970's. So I decided to forgive her for being in Momma Mia. And if I hit the Powerball or Mega Millions this week, I'll hire you to be my Northwestern Gal Friday.

Ashton King said...

I remember looking for my first out-of-college job. Luckily, my resume stayed pretty much the same for each application and I didn't have to fill out any questionnaires.

Rich said...

Those questionnaires are intended to weed out the intelligent, honest people. Seriously, I had a long discussion with one of the companies reps, and their take on it is that it should be answered truthfully, and people should(operative word) believe as the test is graded. Riiiiiggghhhtttt. I had so many qualified people disqualified by those tests, it was unbelievable. And don't let anyone tell you that failing that test doesn't eliminate you from the job. The super huge Corporations I worked for had an unwritten rule(because technically it is discrimination, so its not written down) that if someone fails, they can NEVER be hired by that company. Ever. They keep that information until you or they die, whichever is later. So yes, take these tests extremely serious, they matter that much.

Jenn said...

Hi...Rich from Adventures Of A Corn Turtle Hunter told me to come check you out. I am glad I did. I have to laugh at all those questions. Why? Cuz many, many, many moons ago...prehistoric ages or something...I worked for a security company that gave out these very same type of questions. I somehow passed and got hired...but many did not. However, I was the one who took the applications from those coming in and I used to amuse myself by reading their answers before taking the application and "test" back to HR. Oye Vay. Yeah...the test is totally designed for someone to be honest not so much give them the "right" answers.

And some people...well they were too Like they'd answer the one about "it's okay to steal from your employer to make up for low wages" and they'd mark TOTALLY AGREE and then they'd mark TOTALLY AGREE with the statement "People who steal from their employer are just plain dishonest."

Say What?? LOL

Meghan said...

It always boggles my mind that those types of questions are still asked, because I would think that the employers realize that some people totally lie. Unless some crazies do freely admit that they do drugs on the job...

Hmm. I think you should start your own business!

One Blonde Girl said...

I believe that job searching is more work (and more stressful) than actual work. I can't wait to be done with this shit. Good luck to you.

Salt said...

At least job hunts are good for blog stories. :)
I think you sound like you should be a shoo in for the job that you had to do the questionnaire for. You don't strike me as a drug addicted kleptomaniac.

aladdinsane12 said...

i was employment-challenged for 5 months, so i know what it's like. i never got the third degree about drugs or stealing, though...they probably should have...