Wednesday, March 2

blog swap: shittay sports movies!!

Hello my lovelies!

Its that time of month again, for another Horrible Movie Blog Swap!!  
(Does anyone have a clever title for that? NO? Moving on...)

You can see my review of Surf School over here

This month we reviewed sports movies, and the beautiful and talented and hilarious  
has been good enough to guest post for me. Please enjoy!!

 There comes a time in every person's life when they sit down with their family, or their significant other, or their dog, and they decide to watch a "sports" movie. This could be a football, baseball, Nascar, whatever that fuck kind of movie, but, basically, you're sitting down watching a movie about something you should probably getting your fat ass out there and doing.

And layin' off the potato chips. Just sayin'...

Anyway, that was this month's theme. Sports movies. And lemme tell you, I don't watch many of those bitches, because they are SUPER fucking cheestastic, and I ain't into that.

But I digress.

There was once a time in Christina's life when she was forced to watch this stupid damn race-"horse" movie with a zebra.

That movie was called, Racing Stripes.

Now, I don't want to ruin this movie or the "ending" or whatever for anyone who may want to watch it just to say they watched it, but, basically my review takes at least one thing into account.

You can get maybe five genuine laughs from the movie, on a good day, and that's if you find the particular humor funny. Other than that, you'll mostly be laughing at the atrocious vocal acting, shitty premise, and Hayden Panettiere's lousy ass fake country accent. Of which I should know, because I have the misfortune of possessing a legit southern accent. Fuck yeah...

As if a movie about a zebra who thinks he can be a race horse is bad enough... they give you horrible CGI flies, one voiced by the ever annoying David Spade, that just make you want to grab the nearest flyswatter, or just knock your TV over onto the floor.

And the premise? Dear God the premise! It's ridiculous, even for a family movie. There is NO WAY that a zebra could ever be good enough to race against thoroughbred race horses. It's a *cute* concept, but it's ridiculous, and doesn't lend itself to good dialogue or plot. The training sequences are boring, and the story is so outdone in every other "zero to hero" racing movie that it's blatantly pathetic.

To add insult to injury, the animals fucking talk...

They talk and they don't even say anything funny. Or enlightening. The worst part of that? THERE'S SO MANY QUALITY ACTORS, like Dustin Hoffman and Whoopi Goldberg, but their vocal performances fall tragically short of entertaining. Actually, they don't even get NEAR that mark. They're bland and lifeless.

And someone needs to kill the rooster voiced by Jeff Foxworthy. Just because the fucking movie basically takes place in a fucking redneck setting, doesn't mean you have to CAST JEFF FUCKING FOXWORTHY IN EVERY FUCKING THING BECAUSE HE IS NOT FUCKING FUNNY! GOD DAMN!


But... Hayden is super adorable, and at least she went on to do better shit after this, like Heroes, and, uh...

Yeah, no, basically there was Heroes...

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