Tuesday, November 24

love & other burning sensations

its funny how emotions can sneak up on you. it doesn't take much. a song, or a story, or even talking about pizza.

I'll be the first to admit that my love life has never been a strong suit of mine. But I'd always thought that my friendships were something I could always depend on. Always there, no matter what. I guess I always think that way because that's the kind of friend I am.

But here I am, in this situation. I've slowly lost friends to their love lives before. Its never something you get used to, and no matter how many times it happens, and you always hope its the last.

I lost my best friend Travis to a jealous girlfriend/now wife who at some point decided that she hated me, and that Travis and I should never really hang out a gain. Granted, I can still see Trav when I visit him at work, but we all know its not the same.

My best friend Ben disappeared when he started dating his lady friend/now fiancee Tara. Don't get me wrong, there's no animosity there on either side, but he's still pretty much disappeared from my life.

And now to make matters worse Travis and Ben are now basically best friends. Friends because of ME. And now they're better friends with eachother than either of them are with me. And of course their ladies are becoming fast best friends. I'm happy for them and their friendship, but it still stings, a lot.

And now my best friend Ester has done the same thing. Disappeared. Gone. I've called and emailed and basically stalked her, only to find out she had gotten engaged. ENGAGED!! Thanks for telling me right when it happened supposed best friend. I mean... really??!?

What is it about being a couple the makes you think you can never spend time with single friends? I don't get it. I never thought I'd be here, friends lost to coupledom. But here I am, still here, still single. Why do I have to be punished for not settling for someone or not settling down (not that any of my friends are settling, but they are settling down.) I just wish I understood this phenomenon.

And the worst thing of all, in my opinion, is that my former best friends now have children, and their children don't even know me. That point really, really hurts.

I've come to the point of, how hard do I have to try to keep this relationship together? I call, try to make plans and we'll sometimes hang out. But almost NEVER to they call me to make plans. "Are you coming over? Want to go see a movie?" Nope. Its always the safe-zone of the bar and karaoke, where its easy to talk to me in passing and not spend too much time with me. And as the lady friends gossip with each other never speaking to me. The giant elephant in the room we all try not to talk about. Sometimes I feel like the elephant. So yeah, that's great fun. I love spending time with my friends, but its just not the same.

Sometimes I wonder if its something I've done. Have I chosen bad friends for them to desert me like this? Is this a choice I've made? Have a done something wrong for them to leave my life? Am I just supposed to be settled down now? Do I attempt to mend this somewhat broken friendships? or just move on since they aren't putting as much in as I am? at what point do you just give up?

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