Monday, August 9

namaste.

Do you read McSweeney's? No? Well here you go!

My favorite is Lying Down Dog...

Modern Yoga Poses
- - - -
Smoking Break Sun Salutation
1. Stand tall outside your office building during break.
2. Position unlit cigarette between first and second fingers of right hand; grasp lighter in left hand.
3. Drop head forward until forehead touches knee
4. Extend arms forward, flicking lighter. Slowly rise, clasp hands together and light cigarette.
5. Place cigarette in mouth and inhale; cough on exhale
6. Focus on the release of tension attained through the power of totally organic nicotine.
Namaste.
- - -
 
Feisty Goat
1. In a private setting—bedroom, car, closet— drink lots of booze with your boss, your best friend's ex, or any other inappropriate romantic partner.
2. Play music with a loud, thumping base on stereo.
3. Hop onto your partner and begin wrapping and climbing movements.
4. Enjoy the stretching of your spine.
5. Use your rolled-up yoga mat creatively. You know what I mean.
6. Your breathing should be rough and shallow.
7. Tension? Trust me, you won't feel any.
Namaste.
- - -
 
Lying-Down Dog
1. Access a bag of Cheetos.
2. Lie flat on your back in bed with TV in viewing range.
3. Dim the lights.
4. Position the TV remote comfortably in the palm of your hand .
5. Place your rolled yoga mat comfortably under your pillow for extra softness.
6. Watch a reality television show or anything on the E! Network.
7. Munch Cheetos.
8. Visualize tension leaving your body and entering the body of an attractive TV commentator.
9. Your breathing should be a light snore.
10. If anyone tries to talk to you, firmly remind them that you are releasing toxic tension and must not be disturbed. If necessary, give them a Cheeto to make them go away.
Namaste.
- - -
Sad Fish
[NOTE: This yoga pose should be used only as a last resort, like after an animated "conversation" with your ex regarding money, or the morning after a Feisty Goat.]
1. Lock the bathroom door.
2. Insert earplugs.
3. Fill the tub.
4. Use your rolled-up yoga mat to wipe up puddles.
5. Crawl into tub.
6. Put on a snorkel.
7. Submerge completely.
8. Breathe deeply.
9. Tension in your throbbing temples might or might not go away, but there's nothing good on television so it's worth a shot.
10. Do not break this pose until you're goddamn good and ready.
Namaste. 
   

 

 for McSweeney's

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

HAHA now those are the type of yoga positions I can handle. Better than trying to imitate the 20 something female instructor that wants me to try a pose that will raise my voice level from baitone to ultra high soprano :-)

Ed said...

Sounds fun.

Even though its yoga and all.

Crazy Brunette said...

God I love you slut! That's my kind of yoga damnit! I'm down with all that shit!

Anonymous said...

I suck coz I only appear to be able to think of one joke and one joke alone...

Why did the plane crash into the house????



COZ THE LANDING LIGHT WAS ON!!