Dear Shitty Friend,

Remember when you promised those football tickets to me? Remember when we sat around the campfire making plans about how much fun it will be? Remember when I asked if I could pay you at the game, and you said "Yes"? Clearly you do not remember. I would like to thank you for forgetting all common decency when you sold my tickets to someone else. I would like to thank you for "needing the money" so badly that you didn't even bother to ask me for it. What's that? I was out of the state? Hey, guess what, I have a fucking cell phone. Oh, you needed the money so badly, you couldn't even give me a heads up that the tickets, may in fact, be sold to another? Well, thank you dear friend. Thank you for being a douche and selling them to someone else. Thank you for no making it so that I have not seen one damn game this year in person. Thank you, shitty, shitty friend.

Sincerely,

dear high school self

Dear High School Self,

Life is tough, and I have some words of advice for you.

You will lose friends. But you will gain friends. It is not the end of the world. Stay true to yourself, stand up for yourself and don't fret when someone chooses to no longer be your friend.

Stop eating pizza pockets for lunch! Its bad for you, and one day, your metabolism will catch up with you!

Don't go to community college. You got accepted into Oregon State. GO THERE! Just because your BFF didn't get in, doesn't mean you can't go to different schools. You will waste 5 years of your life, and miss out on many awesome experiences by not going there. You're gonna end up there anyway, just save yourself some time and money.

Be nicer to your mom. She's actually really smart, and knows what she's talking about. She gives good advice and really knows how to listen and make you feel better, if you let her. Once you get older, you won't know what you'll do without her.

Don't steal your cousin's car. She will find out. And you're lucky you didn't get into bigger trouble for that, you big dumby.

Please wear sunscreen and don’t tan. It really does cause wrinkles.

Please for the love of God, stop perming your hair. Its straight, deal with it. Also, giant hair-sprayed bangs don't look good, Sun-In is not good for your hair, and don't use baby oil on your skin in the sun.

Don't date DH, SC or CB. Trust me. You'll never fully recover your trust or innocence and will have many self-esteem issues for years after.

It is not the end of the world that you did not make the basketball team. You should however, play on the soccer team. Not only are those girls really nice (hindsight is always 20/20) but you'll be in great shape and learn valuable skills that may actually pay off in the future.

Pay attention in English lit. You do need vocabulary and grammar. However, you were right - you DO NOT NEED Geometry. Ever.

More than anything - love life!!

Signed,

dear waitress

Dear Waitress,

It was very kind of you to notice me walk in and not acknowledge me as I looked for a place to sit. After I sat, you kindly walked right past and still said nothing. After you chatted with your friend sitting at the bar, you promptly noticed the two nice looking young men who came in and sat down. I appreciate that you A) were wearing those ugly sketchers shoes and have low self esteem, and that B) your hair was so bleached blond you have probably dyed any intelligence away, but I still feel that I am a valued customer. After I sat there for at least ten minutes I am happy that you brought me a menu, and when I asked for a beer, you asked for my ID and walked a way like it was going to take me twenty minutes to get it out. Let me assure you my dear, it did not. It again was so kind of you to get those gentlemen's drink orders, bring them their drinks, then come by to check my ID, and take their food orders, bring them their salads ALL BEFORE I GOT MY GOD DAMN BEER. Now, I am sure that you think their time is either more valuable than mine, or that they will tip you better.  But it seems pretty short sided of you to assume that either is correct. I would have been a great tipper. *please note the past-tense* Thank you for finally bringing my beer, and before I could catch your eye, walk off to another table. I know, I know, not everyone orders food  in a bar, but you'd think that since I read the menu while you were floating around you might have assumed I was hungry, which I was. You my dear, are the kind of waitress that I want to slap.

Now why didn't I think of something clever like this?

I'm not sure if you think you're awesome, or if you're just so oblivious to even notice anyone of the feminine sex in your establishment. Again, finally, thank you for finally taking my order, and bringing my food out. Oh, it was so nice that  those men finished and left a good 5 minutes before I even got my food order. Why didn't I get up and leave? Good question. I wanted to see if you really were for real or not. And indeed you are. I want to thank you. Thank you for being so awful. I will never eat at your place of business again. Unless I'm with my boyfriend, upon which I can expect to get immediate, fast, friendly service, you bitch.

Peace, Love and Happiness,

dear liver

Dear Liver,

I have obviously been taking you for granted. For so many years now you have been there for me. Silently, diligently working away, without asking much in return. I again have abused you. Is this some horrific Jerry Springeresque relationship we have? I seem abuse you over and over again, continually to take advantage of your giving nature. Beating you senseless until I pass out, sometimes quite Literally.

I’m sober now, and regretful for my mistreatment. I know I can be a real asshole sometimes, but I really do care. Thanks for taking one for the team. Sorry for making you work so hard. You're a champ.

I'm giving you a week off. Well at least 5 days. Or at least until Tuesday.

With love and appreciation,
McGriddle Pants