Wednesday, March 17

f*cking facebook

Yes I stole this post.
Yes its very funny.

We all know these retards (sorry Sarah Palin) who are status whores on Facebook and just won't shutthefuckup. I have friends on The Book that I can pick out from every one of these "types" listed below. But so they don't get sand in their vaginas, I won't name names.

About a month ago this article was posted on

Here's an edited and funnier version by Ian

at the The Daily Dose of Reality

who guest posted on Daffy's page
Bloggy Blog Designz

which is where I stole this post from

Since you may be like me, and hate going through links to read stuff, I re-posted it here. Full props to and Ian, none to me!

Most Annoying Types of Facebook Status Updates:

The Let-Me-Tell-You-Every-Detail-of-My-Day Bore. "I just woke up", I'm "eating dinner", I've "just gotten up from a nap", "going to sleep now". Who the fuck cares? When was the last time you picked up the phone to call a friend of yours to tell them that you just woke up? Whoa, good for you. You woke up. Maybe you deserve a goddam medal!

The Self-Promoter. OK, so we've probably all posted at least once about some achievement. And sure, maybe your friends really do want to read the fascinating article you wrote about beet farming. But when almost EVERY update is a link to your blog, your poetry reading, your 10k results or your art show, you sound like a bragger or a self-centered careerist. The only difference to this is if you have a fan page. Aside from that you need to stop that shit.

The Friend-Padder. The average Facebook user has 120 friends on the site. Schmoozers and social butterflies -- you know, the ones who make lifelong pals on the subway -- might reasonably have 300 or 400. But 1,000 "friends?" Unless you're George Clooney or just won the lottery, no one has that many. That's just showing off.

The Town Crier. "Michael Jackson is dead!!!" You heard it from me first! Me, and the 213,000 other people who all saw it on TMZ. These Matt Drudge wannabes are the reason many of us learn of breaking news not from TV or news sites but from online social networks. In their rush to trumpet the news, these people also spread rumors, half-truths and innuendo. No, Jeff Goldblum did not plunge to his death from a New Zealand cliff.

The TMIer. "Brad is heading to Walgreens to buy something for these pesky hemorrhoids." Boundaries of privacy and decorum don't seem to exist for these too-much-information updaters, who unabashedly offer up details about their sex lives, marital troubles and bodily functions. Thanks for sharing.

The Bad Grammarian. "So sad about Fara Fauset but Im so gladd its friday yippe". Yes, I know the punctuation rules are different in the digital world. And, no, no one likes a spelling-Nazi schoolmarm. But you sound like a moron.

The Sympathy-Baiter. "Barbara is feeling sad today." "Man, am I glad that's over." "Jim could really use some good news about now." Like anglers hunting for fish, these sad sacks cast out their hooks -- baited with vague tales of woe -- in the hopes of landing concerned responses. Genuine bad news is one thing, but these manipulative posts are just pleas for attention.

The Lurker. The Peeping Toms of Facebook, these voyeurs are too cautious, or maybe too lazy, to update their status or write on your wall. But once in a while, you'll be talking to them and they'll mention something you posted, so you know they're on your page, hiding in the shadows. It's just a little creepy.

The Crank. These curmudgeons, like the trolls who spew hate in blog comments, never met something they couldn't complain about. "Carl isn't really that impressed with idiots who don't realize how idiotic they are." [Actual status update.] Keep spreading the love.

The Paparazzo. Ever visit your Facebook page and discover that someone's posted a photo of you from last weekend's party -- a photo you didn't authorize and haven't even seen? You'd really rather not have to explain to your mom why you were leering like a drunken hyena and French-kissing a bottle of Jagermeister.

The Maddening Obscurist. "If not now then when?" "You'll see..." "Grist for the mill." "John is, small world." "Dave thought he was immune, but no. No, he is not." [Actual status updates, all.] Sorry, but you're not being mysterious -- just nonsensical.

The Chronic Inviter. "Support my cause. Sign my petition. Play Mafia Wars with me. Which 'Star Trek' character are you? Here are the 'Top 5 cars I have personally owned.' Here are '25 Things About Me.' Here's a drink. What drink are you? We're related! I took the 'What President Are You?' quiz and found out I'm Millard Fillmore! What president are you?"



Salt said...

YES! I have encountered all of these. My personal fave (or not really fave because it annoys me to no end) are the bad grammarians. I have had to "less of" several people in my newsfeed that apparently have little to no grasp on the English language.

Brad Carter said...

How'd you know about my hemorrhoids, Anne?!?!

denise said...

I lurk on your pages all the time :)

Wicked Shawn said...

I hate all of those people. Just more reasons why I haven't looked at my Facebook in about 11 days now. My fans probably hate me. I have another admin for that page, LOL, she is totally in charge of that site. I genuinely HATE it. Did I mention I don't like Facebook???

badheadday said...

Don't forget the "I can't believe I found that out from Facebook" updates. Like when 3 of my brothers decided to get married. Or when some of them started breeding. Even when one decided to move to Florida. No one ever calls me about that stuff. I feel like I'm being left out of some dysfunctional family phone tree loop or something.