Monday, July 19

channeling emily post

Etiquette rules, according to McGriddle Pants 
  1. Ladies, buy a full length mirror. Take a good look. Turn around. Inspect yourself, before you wreck yourself.
  2. If you're going to be late, CALL. And APOLOGIZE. Let them know when, or if, you will be arriving. Others time is just as precious as yours.
  3. Hold the door open for people behind you. The door is not that heavy.
  4. Mind your fucking child. If your offspring is spazzing, or having a "moment" TAKE THEM OUTSIDE. In a restaurant, theater, or grocery store, it should not be everyone else's issue to have to listen to your psychotic child. I remember being drug out to the car when we were eating dinner at a restaurant as a child. And I'm not a self-involved little shit as an adult. Remember we're raising future members of society, not The Real World. Discipline, or remove. Period.
  5. Please do not sit directly in front of me at the movie theater. Seriously. If there are any other seats, sit there. Once all other seats have been filled, ONLY THEN should you sit DIRECTLY in front of me. I try very hard to never sit directly in front of someone. Always off to the side or in another row. EVERYONE likes to put their feet up on the seats, so be courteous and let them. Sit elsewhere. (The same goes with sitting behind me, you seat kicking little assholes).
  6. On that note, turn off your fucking phone at the movies. Your texting, even if silent, is BRIGHT, and incredibly distracting, no matter how subtle you are. Your friends can wait 112 minutes to reach your ass.
  7. Share you vicodin with others. (like me!)
  8. Always make a big deal out of birthdays. You don't have to celebrate getting older, but everyone should have ONE DAY a year that's just theirs. To be an drunken asshole or a party pooper. It doesn't even have to be on the actual day. Just do something. And do something for others too. Fawn over them. Buy them a present, even if its a handle of booze. Its the gift that keeps on giving.
  9. In public, no one wants to see your midriff. No one. *This applies to men and women.*
  10. Obey all traffic laws. Even in parking lots. Right-of-way is no laughing matter. Don't wave me on if its YOUR TURN TO GO. (yeah Rhode Island, I'm looking right at you). This also means don't stop if you DONT HAVE A STOP SIGN. And for the love of God and all that is Holy, learn to properly use a turning lane, and USE YOUR GODDAMN TURN SIGNAL!!
That is all. For now.


Ed said...

Is it really your Birthday?

If so, Happy Birthday!

If not, Fuck You for tricking me!


Jennifer said...

I second this all!

Faux Trixie said...

I HATE people who have unruly children. I also hate holier than thou mothers who get all offended when other people are offended because they whip out their boob in public. I get that you need to breast feed, and that's all good, but have some tact. Sometimes my boob itches. I don't whip it out in the middle of the mall. I go into a bathroom stall or something.

Also, happy birthday! People stopped remembering mine, so I forgot that they are a big deal.

Professor Chaos said...

Hear hear!!

Tara said...

what an amazing post! couldnt have said it better myself!

happy birthday!

Dazee Dreamer said...

I agree 150% with the movie theater rant. That drives me insane. That and parking right next to me when there is a whole parking lot full of empty places.

Happy Birthday.

Lisa said...

Happy birthday! And I'm totally with you on the psycho spawn thing! I'm one of those people that firmly believes that kids today just aren't disciplined enough. Fuck "ADD", that child just needs a good smack. Wow, I'm gonna be a great mom :P

Ashton King said...

These should be standard rules for living.

Happy birthday, btw. Hope it was great!

Meghan said...

Oh my gosh, woman, I couldn't agree more with #4. Get your kid OUTTA HERE!

Happy Birthday:)

Salt said...

Oh ok so I was early. Happy happy birthday, McLoveyPants!!!! You are the best!

And RE: #3.
Some ass dropped the door on me this morning when I was leaving the Starbucks. The door was heavy and my skim peppermint mocha nearly went everywhere. I was enraged.

I agree with all the rest of these as well.

Kelly @ Dare to be Domestic said...

#7 cracked me up!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY AGAIN - but better because I didn't forget to say it in my first message! ox