Happy July! Good Christ, I can't believe its July already.
I wish I could be thinking about this weekend. Thinking about camping, and playing on the lake, in the boat. Thinking about bbqing and drinking and fireworks. But unfortunately I'm not.
All I can think about is that I haven't stayed at the boyfriend's place in almost 3 weeks. That he's slowly but surely pulling away from me, spending less and less time together.
When I finally worked up the courage to ask him if "we" were okay, or if there was anything going on that I needed to be aware of, any issues, he said no. I try to take solace in that. But its just hard to ignore all the non-verbal signs. We still hang out, although not every night like we used to. Maybe 2 times a week. He still texts, but not as much, he still calls, but not as much. Its just weird.
I try to take mom and friend's advice and "busy myself" which is incredibly hard to do when you're unemployed. Not to mention the fact that even when I'm "busy" I have the multi-tasking feminine mind that can obsess about men and be working, or reading, or watching a movie all at the same time. Goddammit. I've always wished for the simplicity (and don't be angry boys, I think its a blessing) of the one track mind that most men seem to have. "I'm working, working working. Working, working, working. Lunch, work work work. Oh wait, its been 3 days, and I haven't called my girlfriend." Well, maybe not quite that bad, but you get the point.
I painted my toenails a festive red for the 4th of July. Decided I hated it cause I messed up too much and now I have one painted foot, and one not painted. Nice.
I actually read ONE WHOLE BOOK the other day, "busying" myself. (Sarah Silverman's Bedwetter. Quiet entertaining actually) I even started another and read nearly half!! I have a serious case of too much time on my hands.
Don't get me wrong. I'm very good at hiding my internal freak outs from the boyfriend. I freak out to mom and friends... asking "what does this mean?" "he said this, how should I respond?" blah blah blah. Honestly I give him a LOT of space, so don't think that I'm crowding him or anything.
I just hope he's going through something that honestly doesn't have anything to do with me. And yet, I think to myself, his actions ARE affecting me, and therefore now concern me. *sigh* I just wish we (men and women) thought more alike. What a joke that we are paired the way we are, in the natural world, being so dissimilar! Funny, and yet sad.
I guess today its just particuarly worse that the last couple of days. Nothing particular has happened between US that would cause something new. As far as I know we're still planning on spending the weekend together.
Soooooo, now I'm busying myself. I got a hair cut today. I don't know if I like it... its a little blunt on the ends... whatever!! At least its all soft and has that "just went to the salon" smell!
Ignore the bags... I've had a rough week.
If you're still reading, thanks for getting through this with me. I wish my life was always fun and funny, so I could entertain you always!! But this is my blog, and that's just not me.