Monday, June 21

200th Post! And an end of an era.

Hey kiddies. NEW LAYOUT!! WOOOOO!

I'm sorry I've been less-than-awesome lately. In an attempt to post something but not being able to think of anything, I've changed my layout. I've been trying so hard to think of something wonderful to post, but my personal life has been basically an internal shit-storm, mostly of my own creation, but nevertheless...

Happy 200th Post to me! I've been thinking about posting for a few days now, but was thinking that my 200th should be something awesome. Amazing. Truly Earth-shattering. But alas, I'm not sure if this will please you or not... but here goes.

The End of an Era:

 My bestest friend in the world is a lovely gal named Ester. We met during my summer abroad in Germany. She was exactly what I needed at that point in my life. A super amazing best friend. Someone who listened, was incredibly wise beyond her years, sweet, caring, and beyond awesome. We were closer than sisters, sharing everything, from future careers, men, what we wanted out of life and growing old. We each knew we'd end up growing old together, in some form or another.

During our time abroad, we shared everything. She an Italian born, Canadian resident, and I an Oregon born, Oregonian. We traveled to every place imaginable, Prague, Paris, Florence, Frankfurt, Wurtzburg, Sienna, Pisa, and Spain. We shared so many amazing travel adventures I wouldn't even know where to begin...

I was having a very difficult time at the end of our study abroad. I was madly in love with a friend of ours, Robert. Rob and I had a whirlwind romance, that lasted for almost 2 years after our time together in Germany. To date, we are still very good friends, but have come to grips with the ups and downs of every day life, and realized what was actually possible out of our relationship. So we are great, great friends. But you know who was there for me for those 2 years of ups and downs? Yup, Ester.

We spent every spare minute emailing each other, facebooking, calling, emailing, emailing, calling, emailing and visiting each other. I went to Canada 3 times visiting herseeing the sights of Toronto. She visited me three times in New York City when I was living there. We were still so close, not letting distance come between us.

Long story short, my dear Ester met a man. Or so I "heard."  She had basically dropped off the face of the earth for nearly 13 months. A few short emails here, short phone calls there, and she was now engaged. Oh, did I mention that she had been engaged for a week?!? Yeah. Thanks for the update "friend." We chatted about him, her, them and upcoming plans. I was truly happy for them, but was sad I wasn't her "first" call. We were best friends... right?!

Cut to now. Yeah. Another 6 months. She's texted me once to tell me when she's set the date for. July 31st. Also the same date as another friend of mine's wedding. I asked her what she needed me to do for the wedding... the basic who/what/when/where I'd need to be to help. She never responded.

Its now 5 weeks out from her wedding. I'm beginning to think I'm not even invited to the wedding, let alone be in the wedding. My  mom tries to tell me I've done nothing wrong. She's made her choice. I've emailed and emailed and emailed, and called and texted and called. All with no response.  Its so incredibly hard to not take this personally. What did I do? Did I not do? I cry at least once a week over the whole thing.

So this week, in an attempt at closure... I've bought a wedding present and sent it away. Some really cute salad tongs, that are hand made in Oregon. The card said "Wish I could be there for your big day" blah blah blah, since now its way too close for me to pop for a plane ticket to Toronto. I really wish them both happiness, but it is extremely bitter sweet. I wish I could be there. I miss my friend so much you'll never know.

I'm done. I will never forget about my friend, but I'm done. I may still cry every night, especially the night of her wedding. My little Ester. It breaks my heart to not be there for her. For her to not want me to be there for her. I guess we all make our choices in life. I just wish they didn't all have to hurt so much.

Such is my life. Fun times, no? So that was then, and this is now. I just wish I knew, why? But I'll probably never know why. I guess I can hope, back in my heart of hearts, that she someday comes back to me. But I'm not going to hold my breath. I will hold her in my heart forever. Maybe someday, when we're old and gray, widows, we'll find each other, and maybe end our lives together by the sea shore in Spain. And maybe not. A girl can dream, can't she?


Anonymous said...

That is a shame, but, not that unusal. I have moved 5 times for my job since 1979. I made really good friends in each of the places I lived yet within a year after moving it seemed like all communication would stop.

I have felt your pain...your frustration..your unanswered questions and all I can say is that a person can 'cut" you off but they never...ever can take away your memories of the past !

starfish said...

I have a similar story to tell. A very close friend, my surrogate sister (I'm an only child). We would drop everything for each other at the slightest sign of crisis. Now she has met a great man and they have bought a house and got engaged. And I'm not even a bleep on her radar. I found out from her sister that they had set a date but 'it's probably just a small thing, you know, family only...'
It really hurts, and I miss my girl so much. Like you I still hold the hope that we will grow old together, gray and widowed, best of friends forever :)

denise said...

First, CONGRATULATIONS on your 200th post!! I have enjoyed reading your blog.

Breakups can be hard; not just the boy kind, but the best friend kind. I have had more than my fair share of these, and find now, I have a hard time getting to close to new ladies (and men) because of the eventual heartache. I know that is crazy - and it shouldn't be done, but sometimes you can't help it. The heartache lasts a long time (look at me) but eventually something will take its place and the pain will gradually lessen...but the memories will always be there and you have moments when you remember something and/or cry.

I think you are being strong and mature, it is natural for it to hurt. I recommend eventually, trying the 'forgiveness 101' post I posted yesterday.

Mrs. Beer said...

Heeyyyy! Love the new layout. I've been feeling the same way about posting lately. Like I'm so dissatisfied with whats going on in my life I assume everyone else will be as well.

About your friend. That sucks. I have no advice for you because there is no remedy to making you feel better with this one. It's a biggie. That just sucks and it's confusing and unfair. I'm so sorry!!

Faux Trixie said...

This is so sad, but I know exactly what you're going through. This has happened to me with friends from high school and law school. Luckily, for me, I'm still close with all my college friends. It's heartbreaking... I know, but it made for a beautiful post.

That Ain't Kosher said...

I was friends with this girl for almost 15 ears and then she started dating a total douchebag. Suddenly she turned into a whiny, sappy bitch and I told her how I felt, and now we're not friends anymore. I feel your pain! It sucks, but you'll move on.

Congrats on your 200th post BTW- I love your blog.

Salt said...

I think this is something that a lot of us will be able to relate to. I just recently stopped talking to a girl that was a best friend of mine for almost 10 years. It's a long and confusing story, but sometimes people just drift apart. I decided to put the friendship out of it's misery and deleted her from my Facebook because she never talked to me anymore. Her response? "Well I thought that we could at least still be acquaintances."


So yeah no. But I'm sorry you are going through this, but know that I understand.

And happy 200th post. You know you are one of my favie faves. :)

Crazy Brunette said...

Awwww! Well, I heart you bitch! If I was getting married you would sooooo be invited!

At least you did the classy thing and sent a gift instead of hate mail as I may have... :)

Stacie's Madness said...

hmmm, well... happy 200th post.

Cathy said...

Sucks. I broke up with a best friend because of a man too. It was pretty ugly. It took almost 10 years for us to both apologize. You break up sounds that she just seems to have disappeared. Keep a spot in your heart for her, she may well come back to you.

(sidenote: I somehow got way behind on your posts. boo that. going to catch up tonight!)

Tara said...

happy 200! i think we all can relate to a situation like this. i'm so sorry that you've had to go through it.

"Seattle" Heather said...

Sucks McGrid. I had to break up with my best friend last year. It was hard, but it needed to be done. I feel your pain.

Scott Holm said...

This is incredibly depressing. I have to say I've never cried myself to sleep because Ester won't talk to me, but I do miss her, too! Still hoping I'll get to talk to her again someday. What great times we had...